Quote: ------------ If you are both working full time, then you clean up your part of the messes, and whatever messes the kids make when you are there alone with them. Leave her messes for her to clean up. ------------
Interesting idea. I think I will take this one under advisment. I think lately (last month or so) she has been picking up the slack as far as house cleaning goes. She seems to be making an effort to the the weekend cleaning (the painful stuff toilets etc) so I think I'll let this change in her attitude continue.
Quote: ---------- Also, I think you are making a mistake by facilitating inappropriate 'time for herself'. The night out after the trip was one of those. -----------
I think This one is a dangerous one. I think from my past history (I had a large chip on my shoulder) with reguards to her going out (to Yoga, golfing and the occasional girls nite out) that I need to show her that I dont mind her going out. Dont get me wrong here, if I see signs that she is not where she says she is then I will most definitely let her know I do not approve and may have to issue the ultimatum (if it is to have an EA or PA).
Quote: --------------- What I am trying to figure out is where her sense of entitlement is coming from. It is obvious that you are a conflict avoider, and I see you addressing that issue. Your wife doesn't seem like a conflict avoider since she seems perfectly willing to blame you for everything wrong with everything. That behavior is typically seen in a wayward spouse, especially female wayward spouses.
I want to know if you have been abusive or controlling in your relationship, or if you have always been a doormat. Please be honest. I am not picking on you. -------------
I think from our past I was perceived as (and I may be) controlling. I think I took her submissiveness to mean that she agreed with the course I was setting in our lives. Being the analytical person I am, I would think things out before sharing ideas and courses of action with her. This was a mistake. I now see that she needed to feel more a part of the decision making process. The unfortunate part of all this is that now she is digging in her heels on the most difficult decisions, how to deal with debt. I think she is pretty much planning her exit strategy and will not commit to any long term (5 Yrs) debt restructuring. She is looking for the quick fix and easy way out.
I have not always been a doormat. Even currently, if there is a large issue I have always stood firm. I think this is probably the greatest source of conflict in my R. I need to work to find ways of comprimise that will apease W and still allow me to agree with the solution.
I dont feel you are picking on me. I know I have my problems and am trying to identify and correct them. Any insights are always welcome.
Quote: ------------- Regarding your last couple of paragraphs, with the earrings and the 'ripe for the picking', one of the most compelling issues for betrayed spouses is denial. You are worried that your wife might be upset if she doesn't feel that you trust her. I guarantee you that if you find out that she is involved in an inappropriate relationship, that SHE will be very upset with you. She will be angry that you didn't trust her - believe it or not. -------------------
I can see that happening. I think tho I need to take the high road for now. All the while keeping my eyes open and doing my investigations privately. I really do hate having to stoop to such levels, it eats me alive daily. I called a PI today and have one at the ready if I feel there is a certain situation that I need to look into (as it were). Financially it would kill us to hire one. Its is something that I am going to need a little more "evidence" before I commit to this course of action. I agree it is better to know but not at the cost of sinking our already rocky finacial boat.
Quote: ----------------- I trust that my wife, MrsNOP will check me out if I start behaving more oddly than usual. I assure you, she knows I will do the same. I also don't care what she reads or looks at of mine. She has all my passwords. I have no secret accounts or secret cell phones.
Privacy and secrecy are two very different matters in a marriage. If your wife is keeping secrets, then you owe it to yourself and your kids to find out what the are. Privacy is holding a fart for the bathroom. Secrecy is kissing the boss in the copier room, or accepting gifts from a potential 'lover' and saying nothing. -----------------
I envy your R. Currently I think I have damaged (verbally) my W and our R to the point of things hanging by a thread. I need to show W some trust (guarded) and let her come to me, or if I find evidence that is too obvious then I will act. Until then I will remain calm and confident all the while keeping my eyes open.
Quote: ----------------------------- Having said all that, if you are suspecting, then keep it to yourself for now, but make a plan to find out for sure. By waiting you may be facilitating the very thing you are trying to circumvent. In your case, if you can afford it, hire the PI. Tell him the same suspicions you have told me and any other oddities that you have noticed. If she gets a clean bill, then that is some of the best money you have ever spent, and you can throw yourself into recovering your marriage. If your suspicions are confirmed, then you will have solid proof to confront her with. Either way, you face your fears. ------------------
I hear ya loud and clear. I dont have a definite "plan" but I am continuing my "investigations" and need to keep those on the down low for now. If her actions change (they havent so far) that is when I will definitely call upon the PI.
Quote: -------------- On the financial end of things, get yourself situated asap. Your partner may be willing to buy out your part of the business, or be willing to work with you on an equitable exit. Do whatever it takes to get situated with a regular paycheck and some decent benefits. --------------
This is a tough one. There really is no buyout possible. If I were to leave then he would be left holding the bag. I cannot do that to him. We are looking at shutting things down probably in the next few months. Probably by the end of the summer. We are also going to start inviting offers to buy us out from our competitors. They have always been chomping at the bit for our clients. This is a tough one to pull off but it is the path that we are looking at proceeding down. So hopefully there should be some kind of resolution in the next month or two.
Thanks again for the input and suggestions, it helps to know there are others out there that are willing to offer advice and suggestions on how best to deal with lifes up and downs (mostly downs right now).
