quote: ----------- Currently I am trying to work on self image, working out, martial arts, reading tons (mostly R stuff). Working on my R with my kids, being more loving and spending more time with them. Trying to keep house clean, and as usual having supper going for the family nightly. Letting W know that she is more than welcome to take time for herself (in the past when I stayed locked up at home, I resented the fact that she was taking time for her self). One incident in the past was where she was out of town for 4 days and planned a nite out with the "girls" the next night after getting home. Also im trying to work on being consistently "un-angry". Im trying not to come accross holier than tho and to that end not talking about change etc. -----------
If you are both working full time, then you clean up your part of the messes, and whatever messes the kids make when you are there alone with them. Leave her messes for her to clean up.
Also, I think you are making a mistake by facilitating inappropriate 'time for herself'. The night out after the trip was one of those.
What I am trying to figure out is where her sense of entitlement is coming from. It is obvious that you are a conflict avoider, and I see you addressing that issue. Your wife doesn't seem like a conflict avoider since she seems perfectly willing to blame you for everything wrong with everything. That behavior is typically seen in a wayward spouse, especially female wayward spouses.
I want to know if you have been abusive or controlling in your relationship, or if you have always been a doormat. Please be honest. I am not picking on you.
Regarding your last couple of paragraphs, with the earrings and the 'ripe for the picking', one of the most compelling issues for betrayed spouses is denial. You are worried that your wife might be upset if she doesn't feel that you trust her. I guarantee you that if you find out that she is involved in an inappropriate relationship, that SHE will be very upset with you. She will be angry that you didn't trust her - believe it or not.
I trust that my wife, MrsNOP will check me out if I start behaving more oddly than usual. I assure you, she knows I will do the same. I also don't care what she reads or looks at of mine. She has all my passwords. I have no secret accounts or secret cell phones.
Privacy and secrecy are two very different matters in a marriage. If your wife is keeping secrets, then you owe it to yourself and your kids to find out what the are. Privacy is holding a fart for the bathroom. Secrecy is kissing the boss in the copier room, or accepting gifts from a potential 'lover' and saying nothing.
Having said all that, if you are suspecting, then keep it to yourself for now, but make a plan to find out for sure. By waiting you may be facilitating the very thing you are trying to circumvent. In your case, if you can afford it, hire the PI. Tell him the same suspicions you have told me and any other oddities that you have noticed. If she gets a clean bill, then that is some of the best money you have ever spent, and you can throw yourself into recovering your marriage. If your suspicions are confirmed, then you will have solid proof to confront her with. Either way, you face your fears.
On the financial end of things, get yourself situated asap. Your partner may be willing to buy out your part of the business, or be willing to work with you on an equitable exit. Do whatever it takes to get situated with a regular paycheck and some decent benefits.
Prayer is good.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
