Quote: ------------- This is good, but you do need to make a change for her, you need to specifically figure out what her emotional needs are, and meet those. That is how you keep the affair monster at bay. The trick to personal change is figuring out what parts should be changed, and what requests are just a shotgun blast at the problem. --------------
I think this is the root of my problems. I honestly dont have a clue what it is she needs from me. The only thing I can venture a guess at is the financial situation. Currently here is my problem in that area. My work seems to be winding down. My partner and I are seriously looking at shutting things down. Daily things look bleaker. I think W is looking for me to quit and find a "real" job. The problem with this is that I will have to walk away from my partner and leave him holding the bag as it were. I am an extreemly loyal person and cant bring myself to walk away from my partner and his family (he has two D's and a W as well). Im not sure if this is the area that she is looking for change in but it is one that would rip my heart out if it is something that I need to try for W.
The other "guess" at her emotional needs is to try and validate her feelings and make her feel important. Validation for me as a male of the species seems a difficult task, from talking to my new T I am beggining to understand what that means. As far as making her feel important, this is a difficult one. I think I need to continue to plan outings with W and to show her appreciation (show not say) but I have to be careful not to come accross as a doormat. This is a tall order, but I think im up to this task.
Quote: --------------- Just so you can get focused on this, please list out the current changes you are making to you and list the changes you are making for the relationship.
Also, what is it that your wife really needs from you that she is not getting? I will give you a hint about the most important one to her, it is likely the one you find hardest to do. -------------
Currently I am trying to work on self image, working out, martial arts, reading tons (mostly R stuff). Working on my R with my kids, being more loving and spending more time with them. Trying to keep house clean, and as usual having supper going for the family nightly. Letting W know that she is more than welcome to take time for herself (in the past when I stayed locked up at home, I resented the fact that she was taking time for her self). One incident in the past was where she was out of town for 4 days and planned a nite out with the "girls" the next night after getting home. Also im trying to work on being consistently "un-angry". Im trying not to come accross holier than tho and to that end not talking about change etc.
Quote: --------------------- I am still curious about the flowers making her mad. Do you think it was the money spent? Could it be that she didn't want someone at the office to know that you cared about her? I am not suggesting, I am wondering what your thoughts are. ------------------
Im really not too sure here. I think it was more the financial motivation, but im really not 100% sure. To that end, I was looking for one of my books the other day and came accross some earrings "hidden away" in her night stand (she has a jewlery box where most items end up). These were a pair of Dragonfly earrings (she loves dragonfly stuff). At Xmas this year I went to alot of trouble to find her two sets. These ones that I found were not from me. W is not a person who will buy jewlery for herself. To that end, at her Xmas party last year, her boss and W gave her a dragonfly necklace (I was there as well), it seemed innocent enough (his W was there when she was given the item). The curious thing is that I check the box that these earrings were in after she left for her last trip to (left on Saturday and is back on Tuesday nite) and found them gone?! Im not sure if im being overly paranoid. I guess the question I have is weather I should ask her about these, and if I do how do I explain how I found them? Or should I wait till I have something more concrete to ask about? Any comments on this one?
In reading Dr. Dobson's book, there were a number of statments that I have heard directly from W that were word for word in the guild justification area of the book. I still dont beleive that there is an EA or PA going on but she may be "ripe for the pickin". My concern is that there is a specific "wine maker" who is cultivating her. Not too sure how to approach this subject. I fear that if I talk to her about this she will be very upset and angry that I dont show trust in her and cause a further deepening of the gap between us. I am almost thinking of hiring a private D to try and find out for sure. Any comments on what you might think would be appreciated.
Quote: ------------ You have really gone after fixing your marriage. This is good. Your marriage is worth it, your wife and kids are worth it. Keep it up. -------------
I am doing my best, it is a tough grind and the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I guess what they say about whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger, comes into play here. So my thinking I should be Superman after all this!
I hope and am beginning to pray (feel myself being pulled back to christianity) that God will show me what he wants me to do.
