Quote: --------------- I am curious. Are you always at fault in the relationship? Are you, as a couple, waiting on you individually, to miraculously arrive at some, as yet to be determined condition? ---------------
Yes most definitely. That seems to be the overriding line of thinking. In the past I have succome to that line of thinking and continued to change to make W happy. This is now stopping. It became clear from last convo with W that she is looking for some large miraculous change that would happen overnight and be everlasting. She fails to notice the little changes I have continued to make in my life. Again I have made the mistake of change for W. No more. I am changing and gaining self confidence day by day. Change is now for me and my self image. If this brings W closer then that would be WONDERFUL, but I cannot continue to expect that from W.
Quote: ------------------- Is the company credit card in her name, or the company's name? -------------------
Card is in her name but under company banner. In other words she is still responsible to pay the bills! I did have a convo with admin staff at her co. (never made the call just lucked out into talking to the person) and that is standard co policy. Card in persons name under the Co. I dont like it much but it is Co policy.
Quote: ------------------ Why do you think that cleaning house will directly affect your relationship? Are you a slob, or do you pick up after yourself? ------------------
In the past (up to a few months ago), W was always upset about the house not being clean, I told her that it is almost impossible to raise two small kids and have a constantly clean house. So I guess I was / am thinking that helping out in that reguard would be something she would appreciate. Again like above I think I was making change for W not for myself. Bad move. Funny thing tho, I have seemed to got accustomed to keeping the house clean and cant seem to stop. LOL. So I guess the clean house is now for me.. Go figure.
Quote: ------------- Why is she justified? What precisely is it that you have not done? ------------- I the past there were many convos about her not feeling validated and important. I missed the meaning, so in trying to calm the situation I would always say "ill try to change" but nothing lasting ever happened. I think this has alot to do with the current Sich. I know I am not the only party to balme her, but I do understand her reluctance to beleive that I am doing anything positive. I think I need to avoid talking about change, or more specifically, what it is that I am doing or trying to do and simply let her see and realize for herself. The more I talk about this the more it is taken the wrong way. More of the same here would not be a good move.
Quote: -------------- Why do you think she wants you to agree that you can't change?
For the record, people can and do change all the time. ---------------- I almost finished one of the books you recommended (aslo my new T recommended as well) and once I got the the section on spouses trying to justify guilt I thought I was experincing Dejavu. The statement of "I think we have outgrown each other" and the above one of change seems to point tot he fact she is trying to come to terms with her guilt over detachiung herself from our R. To date I still dont beleive that she is having an EA or PA but I think she is ripe for the picking and may be thinking of taking the next step in that direction. As you suggested (even though I really hate doing it) I am watching and looking for any hints to indicate this is the case. I truly hope I dont find them, but if I do I know (from Dr. Dobbson's Book) what I must do.
Quote: ----------------- Dogs will mark their territory even when there are no other dogs around. I do find the comment curious though, especially if there is another dog nosing around. In most corporate environments I have worked in, 'nosing around' was prevalent, by both genders. The problem with a marriage that is encountering difficulty, is that the spouses become weaker at resisting the allure of an affair, and more stupid about the consequences therein. This is why it is important for both spouses in marriage to resolve their issues in a timely manner (preaching at myself on the 'timely manner'). ---------------- I agree 100%, just wish I had this wisdom a year or more ago.
Thanks again for your insights they are always enlightening. Let me know if there is any other ideas / comments that you can forward to help me in this dark and stormy time.
