Alot of good comments here. Thanks. I think that W was trying to get her family used to me not being around. I still dont think there is anyone else involved currently.
Had a couple convos with W the past few days. They continue to be rather heated. I think I need to find some change I can make in these convos. Escilation seems to be the norm in these dicussions.
Last few were about W feeling that I am acting like "pie in the sky" and "over the top" as far as how I have been comming accross. I said that it is better to be happy than to be sad, depressed and angry. She agreed but said that its a little much to take, acting like everything is great in our lives. Also she continues to tall me that I come accross as holier than tho and that she feels like Im saying everything she does is wrong. I think I need to stop talking about what I am doing with my life and to try and listen better when she vents. I think validating her feelings and repeating back to her what she is saying may help. Not sure but at least its something to try.
I sent her flowers to the office on Monday, that went over like a bag of wet cement. She said they were very pretty, but, (always a but) we cant afford them, I said we can not afford not to (spend money on her and try to get R back). W told me that she had two comments from co workers. First, "it must be nice to have money to burn on flowers (I sent flowers to her about three weeks ago), second was, is your hubby trying to mark his territory? The second comment seemed rather strange to me. Another one of those things to put in the back of my head as far as keeping my eyes open.
The over riding themne in our latest convos seems to be "you tell me you have changed but I dont see any of it". Response to her is two pronged. First she continues to tell me that she is happy with herself, so I explain that statement means to me that there is nothing she needs to change about how she deals with our R or anything else, so to that end that is why I ask her what it is she is looking for from me. Still no answers, the only answer I get is "I am not going to tell you what you need to do minute by minute".
Second one is I seem to have to restate the small changes that I have made (keeping house clean, better R with kids, trying to deal with finances (to that end she finally got a company CC but she still has to submit expenses and pay the bill herself, this is the standard for all employees at her Co.). She reluctantly acknoledges these items. I told her that change is something that is a slow evolution, and that if there is something specific that she wants me to work on then she needs to tall me. There is no way I can crawl inside her head to find out what it is she is expecting. I Also said that it seemed that she is looking for some large grandious change that will happen overnight so that she will sit up and take notice (A little venting there that in hind site maybe I need to stifle those things).
She does like to repeat that I have told her I have changed in the past but nothing seems to last, so she is (justifyably) sceptical.
The other item W brings up is that I am a product of my environment and that is ultimately who I will be (freudian speaks from her T im sure). She tried to imply that I can never change and that I need to accept that. I had to let her know that it is nice to know where you come from but that doesnt mean that change from that starting point is not possible.
I think I NEED to avoid these convos if at all possible, nothing good ever seems to come out of them. I just find it tough and am not sure how to avoid them without making W feel like Im ignoring her and her feelings. I think I need to stifle the defense instinct and try to work on validating her feelings and statments.
New goals 1. Have a convo that ends without anamosity on both sides. 2. Stay consistantly up in the face of her animostiy. 3. Spend more time taking kids out to fun places. 4. Laugh at least once a day. 5. Notice the little things W does (compliments need to be specific and well meant).
Going to see a C today (new one) this time I did a little research before hand to ensure he is not a freudian and is pro marriage. I hope this one works out.
I need to get back on the PMA (fell down for a day) and continue to work on my finances.
Thanks for the support from everyone here. Not sure If I could make it without it. It is truly appreciated.
