Had a convo with W last nite, trying to explain the financial situation and what I would like to do about it. I had a nice paper with the interest savings between CC and Line of Credit, showed the savings on monthly payments taken from the last two months. This was not met favourably. I again asked W for a suggested course of action. She again repeated that she thinks we should sell the house. I agreed and said please sell me on the idea, please work up all the numbers and sell me on the idea. This again was not met favourably.
She then said that we need to figure out what WE are doing before we figure out what to do about finances (here we go).
The conversation started heated but seemed to calm down as it went on. I suggested that we each take five minutes and say what we had to say without the other interrupting. Initially this was fine but as W spoke she was asking pointed questions that she was asking expecting me to answer, initially I said nothing until she made it clear (said fine and started to leave).
The just of what she was telling me is that I had been talking about changes for so long but she failed to see any changes. I asked her if I was not cleaning up the house more often and helping out with keeping it clean? Also I asked if my relationship with our kids wasnt better? On both she agreed begrugingly.
She told me that she was hanging on by her finger nails and asked the hard question "at what point can I say this is enough". She told me that at some point in the past few years she had given up on our R. She said that "Ive heard you say so many times that your going to change or that you are changing, that I dont beleive it anymore".
I admitted that in the past (up to about 7 mnths ago) I had said those things and didnt follow through and apologized for that, and that I understood that it would be understandably difficult for her to beleive me when I tell her this.
I repeated that I was not going to give up on the marrage and would do all that I could to keep our family togeather. The response was "sure, what I hear is that you are telling me I dont care how many ppl I make miserable I am going to keep this marrage togeather".
I know she was looking for me to agree to call it quits but I cannot and will not do that. Maybe Im wrong, but I dont think I should make it easy for her to leave.
She also talked about what it would be like if we did split and how it would be with the kids. I told her I hated talking about that because talking about it is almost like planning to follow through on it. Almost like making a plan.
She told me that she was pretty much planning on taking action (never said the D word or Sepp word) after the school year was up so as to least impact our eldest. I think she beleives that I will roll over and let her take the kids away from their home without a fight. I never said anything to let her know that is what I feel.
After alot of silence and repeating of the "how much is enough" question, I asked her if she would do one thing, I asked her if she would listen to the KLA cd's and do the workbook that came with it. She agreed. I dont know if she will give this an honest listen or if she will simply go through the motions to say that she completed the task.
I did ask her again a question about what exactly LOVE meant to her. Based on the ILUBNILWY statement. She told me that hse felt that it means that you care for some one and that you care what heppens to them. She returned the question to me. My response was that I felt LOVE is giving to someone simply because you know it is what they need AND expecting absolutely nothing in return, I told her that that is where I have fallen on my face many times in the past. I told her that the ultimate show of love is the sacrifice that Jesus made for us. To give your life for people you dont know and to expect absolutely nothing in return. I never got much reaction from those statements.
She also started to give me alot of the freudian grabage (she saw her thearapist yesterday afternoon) about we are what our culture brings us up as. I explained to her that that may be the starting point but we as humans can make the choice to depart from that. I explained to her that I am much closer and spend much more time with my kids than my father ever did.
We discussed going up to her parents house for Easter, (the kids love going to the farm), she told me she didnt look forward to seing her family, and really didnt want me there either. I dont think I should stay home and do nothing. I feel like that would make it too easy for her to start living a sepparate life. Any suggestions on this one? I did throw out the offer that I would take the kids to her parents house and that she could stay home. I got a rather strange look and the answer was "no I dont think so".
Im very frustrated and heart broken that my W and partner is planning her exit and really shows no hope of anything ever getting any better. Its like she has closed the door, and threw a few pad locks on it to ensure it never gets opened again.
I know all I can really do is try to show her love and respect as much as possible and hope that somehow she will join back into our R.
Bruised and battered man of steel / tin foil.. Some one snuck some kryptonite into my cape
