Quote: In the past when I have asked for more specific responses on what her needs are and / or what she is looking for she got angry and defensive to the point on one conversation of saying "Be a Man, figure it out".
Think back over your relationship. Have there been ongoing areas of contention? Even things you thought minor or unimportant? Things that might have been an issue in your earlier relationship, but that don't come up anymore?
You might approach her with something like...."you now, I've been thinking about what you said about ***** (whatever it is you choose), I really do want to help you feel the way you need to, because I love you. I need your help though, I need your direction and guidance to help me make sure you feel loved & cared for...because you are."
Something like this needs to be done in a calm, direct manner. And since you are phrasing it as an "I've been thinking"....you don't have to wait for her to bring something up. If however she chooses to say "Be a Man, figure it out", call her out on this....and tell her that is unfair you can no better crawl in her head and figure out what she needs than she can crawl into yours and figure out what you need.
Quote: Lately, on Friday nites, I have been going over to a friends house to play cards (used to do that before we met), before I go, or plan on going, I ask her if "we have any plans" or "if there is anything she wants to do" that nite, the usual asnswer is no so I ask if it is ok if I go. The usual answer is sure but I almost wonder if there really is something she wants to do togeather. I dont know, I guess all I can do is continue to ask.
There may be a reason so I'm asking - why would you "ask her if "we have any plans" or "if there is anything she wants to do" - instead of taking the time to plan for a dinner out, a movie, a local play or concert, a picnic, a visit to a local attraction, etc?
And then let her know that you've made arrangements/plans (including childcare, if needed) for this weekend for the two of you to do whatever. Have you done this before and got turned down, or are you automatically defaulting to your wife to make plans for the two of you?
quote: --------- Im a little afraid to follow through on this one. I think in the past I have been persuing too much on the intimacy issue and that seems to have pushed her away even more. So im concerned that if I ask her to read this she may throw out the big D. ---------
Okay. first off, the fear has got to go. I will tell you something that you probably already know. Fear is your enemy. Fear will make you weak. Fear will disable you from facing much of life's struggles, and greatly limit you from basking in the warmth of life's greatest joys.
Your wife will see your fear as weakness. In general, women can be moved by our(men) vulnerabilities, but those must be seen against a backdrop of strength to be appreciated. Are you following me?
your wife said: ------------ "I want to be with an ethical and cool guy", "I want to feel like im in control of my life" , and in the same sentence, "I want to feel taken care of" ------------
She also tells you to "be a man". She doesn't respect you. The novels prove that she appreciates manly behavior, something that she is not getting from you. Pick up one of her novels and read part of it. You will see something of what she is wanting from you.
Like others told you, don't ask what she wants to do on a Friday night, make plans. Be assertive.
If you are going to go play cards, invite your wife. Get involved in her life, and invite her into yours.
I am going to start a new thread and ask the ladies to talk about manly behavior.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
---- Think back over your relationship. Have there been ongoing areas of contention? Even things you thought minor or unimportant? Things that might have been an issue in your earlier relationship, but that don't come up anymore? --------
I have tried to think about this many times and the only things I can come up with are the following:
1. W had a problem with me not trying to keep the house clean, I have more than compensated for that. Over the past 6 mnths I have gone off the deep end cleaning / decluttering the house. Funny thing on that one is that it seemed like the more I did that the less she would do in that area.
2. She used to tell me that she didnt feel important and special. Again some what ambiguous and not too sure on what that meant (she used to tell me that a long time ago). Recently (started about 5 mnths ago) I have been trying to figure out what her Love Language is with little or no success. I requested that she take the survey in the back of the book to help me figure out what her primary LL is. She read the questions and told me that she wanted it all! and subsiquently never answered the questions.
3. She told me recently that she "tested" me in about March of this year. She said she decided not to tell me that she loved me and waited to see when I told her. I failed miserably. Things have changed since then, and I think (from her reactions to date) that is not something she wants to hear from me these days.
I will try to give more thought to your questions and see if I can come up with more that has been said in the past so I have some idea on what it is I can work on.
I know I need a good slap upside the head most days, but I hope I have learned enough to start listening to my W and try to feed her soul.
Thanks for the advice, I truly do appreciate the help.
----------- There may be a reason so I'm asking - why would you "ask her if "we have any plans" or "if there is anything she wants to do" - instead of taking the time to plan for a dinner out, a movie, a local play or concert, a picnic, a visit to a local attraction, etc?
And then let her know that you've made arrangements/plans (including childcare, if needed) for this weekend for the two of you to do whatever. Have you done this before and got turned down, or are you automatically defaulting to your wife to make plans for the two of you? -----------------
Yes and yes. I have been making an effort to plan a date nite for once a week. Last week it was Driving range (she suggested it), Dinner and a movie, this weekend is a movie (that she said she would like to see)at home with popcorn and all the fixings, a game of crib or two and tried to lighten things up and suggested a thumb wrestle or leg wrestle to ease the stress
I think where im comming from is that we used to sit and spend time togeather, watching movies, playing crib etc but that seems to be a way of the past. Lately (past 4 - 5 mnths) as soon as we get the kids down she retires to the bedroom to read and go to sleep.
She has also told me in the past that she likes to have time in bed alone to process the day and wind down. I have tried to be consious of that and made sure I give her time to wind down.
So I guess what I am saying to her that if she doesnt want to at least sit in the same room with me then I will make plans and go out. Am I being unreasonable? I dont know, if I need a good slap upside the head then please feel free to deliver it as I am unsure if my actions are inappropriate.
Thanks again for the comments and the advice it is truly appreciated.
Some good ideas you have listed here. I think I may have to follow through on reading one of her books to see if I can pick up the hidden items that she is looking for there.
Thanks for the input.
I will watch for the new thread as I would be interested in reading what is said.
Also do you have a link to the tread that you mentioned earlier that you were having with csw? I cant seem to find it.
Talked to W yesterday, she seemed rather upset so I thought I should ask what was up (This may not have been a great idea not too sure yet).
She told me that she felt betrayed by our financial woes, and is finding it difficult to trust me at all. W told me that she assumed (on her own) that I would take care of all finances and that there would be no problem with spending freely on credit cards etc.
Just to update we have numerous credit card debts piling up. Currently we are able to meet all obligations, however, my concern is that my business is begining to look like I may have to take a drop if not look for other work and this would make it that we would not be able to meet current obligations.
I discussed with W about trying to consolidate debt before I have to salary incomming and that started this latest round if bad feelings.
Second item bothering W that she was upset with my not keeping her informed of what I was planning and when. The other nite I stayed for a second martial arts class (knowing that the kids would be in bed, and W more than likely as well). She told me she felt deserted. I did let her know that I assumed from her actions (not willing to even sit in the same room with me after the kids go to bed) that she didnt really care what I was doing.
Im sure this was not a good move on my part and have slpped myself silly over it and have put that on my long list of actions never to repeat.
Third item on her list was MIL. My mother is rather old and old world and rubs W the wrong way almost constantly. I have spoken to mother about this (nicely and not so nicely) but she always reverts back to her old ways.
Fourth and final item was that W felt that she was not allowed to take time for herself. Go to Yoga etc. In the past I did make her feel guilty about time spent away from our kids (she would return from a work trip to have a girls nite out the next day). I informed her that I do not begrudge her this time and I encourage it. I told her that I have dealt with the ill will towards her outings and have no problem with them.
I then encouraged her to go out that very day and have some "me" time. She took me up on the offer and hopefully she will continue to do so.
So I guess the question that im trying to figure out today is, how do I deal with our financial situation so that W can begin to trust me again. Currently I have no ideas. First reaction is to cut up all credit cards, but I dont think that would help things currently.
Any ideas from anyone would be greatly appreciated.
How about making a joint financial plan WITH your wife?
Tell her you are sorry that you haven't kept her better informed, but times are tight and a new plan is in order and that you'd like her input as far as how to go about paying down your debts.
I would highly recommend cutting up the credit cards--too convenient and there is really such a small need for them anyway.
She may be angry at having to adhere to a budget, but she will be even more angry if you make the plan by yourself and expect her to go along with it, without any input.
HP is right, cut the cards up. I don't know of anyone that actually believes that anyone can freely spend on a credit card.
Cut the cards up, get on a budget. Pay off your debt. That is fiscal responsibility.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
