quote: ----------- You mentioned a number of times that flags were waving for you when reading about my stich, anything that might shed a little light on my dark times? Any insights would be most welcome. -----------
There are a lot of things that throw up my 'flags', key words, behaviors, any number of things. Abstraction of systems is my specialty in the real world. It translates well to relationships (except for my own, of course).
You have said a number of things, that while of concern, don't make a whole picture yet.
quote: --------- then she gave me the "I love you but not in love with you". ---------
That is a flag because it is classic affair script.
The explicit novels, is no big deal, but the novels and no sex is a flag of sorts.
Then you mentioned the timing of the IUD insertion with the arrival of lowered desire. Could be medical, maybe not. Again, a flag, but not substantial enough to complete a picture.
That is why I suggested that you "have a look around". I am not sure that anything is going on in your marriage besides the fact that you two have issues with each other. I do think it worthwhile to have a look for a potential outside emotional involvement of some sort. I will caution you, that if you do have a look, keep your suspicions to yourself.
Regardless of that, you need to continue working on your end of the relationship. The reason I mentioned the posts between csw and me, is because there is some good non-affair information for handling your marital difficulty there. If it turns out that there is some sort of involvement with your wife, then you already have additional resources under your belt.
I would also ask her, again, to read SSM. It might help if you told her that both of you are described in the book, but don't explain how or why, let her read it to find out.
Make no mention of divorce to your wife. Do NOT make threats. The word 'divorce' is rough on a marital relationship anytime it is used within context of 'your marriage'. You, being a man of steel, are fully ready and willing to take your contribution to the condition of your marriage, and fix it, You own up to it, and do something about it.
"Wife, I now understand that I have contributed to the condition of our marriage. I am ready and willing to do whatever it takes to fix it"
No to be facetious, but you do know that sex is NOT the only problem in your marriage, don't you? Your marriage is broken, and in need of repair. your wife probably already knows this, but I doubt she understands how affected by it, you are. Do you know what her issues are with you? The real ones?
Hint, it probably does NOT involve more housework on your part.
Keep working on you, ConfuseMe. That is the first place to start.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
