Well...it probably will go well, and she will probably be open for that convo over dinner. Take things as they come.
One thing though, I noticed you used the word "avoid"...so I'm going to use it myself.....don't avoid this conversation for very long. It needs to happen, you will most likely be the one to instigate it. I completely understand wanting to enjoy the evening with your W...just make sure you don't put the conversation off for too long k? Too many people fall into the trap where they have a fun evening...so they wait awhile to bring things up, then they think they've waited too long so they'd look like a fool now if they did. Know what I mean?
W and I went out last night, things didnt start well. Our main sitter wasnt avail so I suggested using my mother (W gets ticked at my mom often), she seemed to accept the idea so I went with it. There were a few comments on the way out from my W that she was not comfortable with my mother sitting. I gave my W the out and said "We can go out another day if you are not comfortable". She said it was ok and off we went.
First stop was the driving range (she mentioned that she wanted to hit a few balls earlier in the week), I did rather well not to "help" and suggest changes to her swing. She seemed comfortable there.
Next stop, off to a spanish restaurant (quite good, I think I like spanish food!). Conversation was strained at best but we were trying to keep things upbeat.
Next we went off to a movie theater but we were late for the shows that we wanted to see so we opted for a movie from the video store and headed home.
During the drive my W mentioned that it seemed like conversation was kinda strained, almost like being out with an old friend the you hadent seen in a long time and found that you had nothing in common any more and nothing to talk about. I think that described things to a tee.
Once we got home W immediately changed into her grubby shorts and tee shirt (I hate that stuff she wears to bed, makes me feel like im not worth the effort). We both struggled to stay awake during the movie and went to bed 1/2 way through.
I did not bring up the conversation (I know I know..)
This morning I got up at 5 am and went to the basement to work out (havent been able to work out in over a week due to back probs). W woke up when I got up and asked if everything was ok, I said I just cant sleep and went to work out.
She told me later that she couldnt get back to sleep after I got up, she said she was thinking about me and us. She said she read for a while and went back to sleep (This is the part that drives me nuts, she sometimes reads this torrid, explicit sexual book, it drives me nuts that she can read this stuff but shows absolutely none of those feelings towards me, this is what she read this morning).
Later this morning she asked me why I couldnt sleep, I repeated what she said about thinking about her and us. She asked for more detail and I said that it felt like we were roomates and nothing more, she some what agreed, then she gave me the "I love you but not in love with you". Geez nothing like wrecking your day early.
I repeated what I had said last week about what ML means to me and asked her the question.. I said "I need to ask you for something but I dont want you to answer me right away, think about it and we can talk about it later, how do you feel about setting a schedule for sex? Maybe once a week or every two weeks?"
I think I floored her, the first comment was "where did you get this from? THAT book? (SSM) I said it was from there and other places I have been reading. I could tell she was pissed and the rest of the day so far has been rather hellish. Cold and distance seems to be the norm from her now.
I guess at least I put it out there, but man is it tough to take this crap from her. Also just before I asked the question she did repeat that she is LD and implied that that is the way it is, so I should learn to live with it!
Last week I did tell her that from what I could see I had three options:
1. Leave the marriage (told her that was not an option for me)
2. Have an affair (again told her that was not something I could live with)
3. Learn to live with her LD and the feeling of being unloved.
A little vent here, I think my wife is enjoying having me bend over backwards to trying and please her and make her life happy but seems unwilling to make any effort to return the sentiment. Im getting kida sick of this little game. So I guess at least I know what it is I need, even though she cant tell me the same.
So it continues. Im sure W will spark up the conversation later this eve, here's hoping I have the strength not to get angry and resentful, and am able to crack a joke that makes her laugh to ease the tensions conversation.
One more vent, Im tempted, if she repondes forcefully "no chance of her EVER agreeing to a schedule" to the question to ask if she would mind if I slept in another room? She has told me in the past that she likes it when I dont come to bed right away so she has time to wind down and process the day. 100% of the time she is asleep whrn I come to bed. The thought come to mind of asking her "why do you want to share a bed with me any ways?" Sorry just alittle parting vent. Im sure I wount ask this question but it definitely is one of those nagging things that comes to mind over and over again.
Any words of encourgement would be most welcome and needed..
Thanks for the insight, unfortunately I am looking squarely at losing my job / business and our current finiancial situation makes it difficult for my wife to switch jobs right now. I think this adds to the strain on the R. I think her biggest complain is that she wants to feel taken care of (financially) but feels that I have failed in the request. I am currently trying to "balance the books" but my W is having none of it. So it seems to be a no win situation currently.
I even suggested that she pay the bills but she told me that she found the finances "icky". What do you do?
Thanks for the comments and the words of advice, They are truly appreciated.
Thanks for the advice. I took and and gave it a shot. We had a few conversations over the weekend. We discussed what we each need to feel loved. She told me that she needed to feel taken care of, financially and to feel like she is in control of her life (she did notice the contradiction in those two needs). She also told me that dreaded words, I Love you but am not IN love with you. That one was a difficult pill to swallow. She tried to get me to agree that I felt the same way towards her. Initially I did agree but came back the next day and told her that that was not the case for me. I let her know that I am still IN love with you and that is why it is so difficult for me to accept our current situation.
I also did ask about a schedule. That one didnt go over too well. What I said was "I need to ask you something, but I dont want you to answer right away, but to consider it and we can discuss it later". Immediately she asked where did you get that idea from? THAT book? Later she told me that she felt demeaned by the question. So far I have had no definite answer to the request. Not sure if I should bring it up again.
I wonder if anyone out there has had any experience with an IUD? From what I have read it can have a few side affects.
1. Weight Gain 2. Anemia 3. Increaded flow during that time of the month 4. Decreased sex drive (lower testoterone)
My W has had this done over a year and a half ago and I wonder if maybe that has something to do with her LD?
quote: ----------- She also told me that dreaded words, I Love you but am not IN love with you. -----------
I have had a few 'flags' flying from your initial posts, but nothing really pulse quickening. Just in case, have a look around. You might consider reading the posts between csw and me. There are some basics outlined there.
Regardless, continue to do what you are doing with her. No grabby/needy stuff - calm, cool, happy, firm resolve but tender toward her, no anger. Be involved with her, but distant in the needy department.
Come up with a workable financial plan. Do it soon. Tell your wife what the plan is, then ask her what, precisely, she needs to feel comfortable. Modify your plan to accommodate. The need for financial stability is a legitimate emotional need.
If you two aren't doing it very often, why the need for an IUD?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks for the advice. Im looking into finding a financial adviser to try and find a plan to consolidate and eliminate the debt hanging over our heads.
Funny thing about the IUD is that she had it done about 2 yrs ago (seems to coincide with her LD). Back then she didnt like the hassle of condoms for birth control (The pill is not an option for her as she is prone to blood clots), so she made the decision to have this done.
I asked her this morning if she knew about the side effects when she had it done, and she told me that the IUD is not causing her difficult cramping, lack of desire and weight gain. So I left the subject alone.
I have one other question looking for advice on. She does have this book that she reads periodically that is rather, shall we say, explicit on sexual exploits of a business woman. Im not too sure if I should ask her about it or leave the subject alone completely. Any thoughts?
Also should I continue making date nites or would this seem to be perceived as too needy?
Cm, I think that date nights are a great idea. Nothing needy about that. Just good times with your wife.
As for the book, you might want to ask her what she gets from it, and I mean in a nice way, as in you are interested in knowing what interests her.
The correlation of sex drive and IUD is interesting, but you should probably just add to your 'interesting facts' collection and see how it plays out a bit later. No reason to panic.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Good points, thanks. I think Im still looking for a quick fix here and have got to realize that there is no such thing. I find it difficult to stay on an even kilter with reguards to our R.
I have found something that seems to help when the emotions boil up inside. Its something called EFT. Its a rather interesting technique that seems to be able to free you mind of many differnt emotions that sometimes boil up.
Anyhow back to acting as if and working on the only thing I can effect change upon, Myself.
You mentioned a number of times that flags were waving for you when reading about my stich, anything that might shed a little light on my dark times? Any insights would be most welcome.
Hahaha.. I wish.. besides if I had something like that going do you think I would share?
Actually its a pressure point technique that allows you to release and calm your thought process..
Emotional Freedom Technique, If anyone is interested I can post a site that describes the technique. I have found it quite helpful getting through the darkest of days.
