W and I went out last night, things didnt start well. Our main sitter wasnt avail so I suggested using my mother (W gets ticked at my mom often), she seemed to accept the idea so I went with it. There were a few comments on the way out from my W that she was not comfortable with my mother sitting. I gave my W the out and said "We can go out another day if you are not comfortable". She said it was ok and off we went.
First stop was the driving range (she mentioned that she wanted to hit a few balls earlier in the week), I did rather well not to "help" and suggest changes to her swing. She seemed comfortable there.
Next stop, off to a spanish restaurant (quite good, I think I like spanish food!). Conversation was strained at best but we were trying to keep things upbeat.
Next we went off to a movie theater but we were late for the shows that we wanted to see so we opted for a movie from the video store and headed home.
During the drive my W mentioned that it seemed like conversation was kinda strained, almost like being out with an old friend the you hadent seen in a long time and found that you had nothing in common any more and nothing to talk about. I think that described things to a tee.
Once we got home W immediately changed into her grubby shorts and tee shirt (I hate that stuff she wears to bed, makes me feel like im not worth the effort). We both struggled to stay awake during the movie and went to bed 1/2 way through.
I did not bring up the conversation (I know I know..)
This morning I got up at 5 am and went to the basement to work out (havent been able to work out in over a week due to back probs). W woke up when I got up and asked if everything was ok, I said I just cant sleep and went to work out.
She told me later that she couldnt get back to sleep after I got up, she said she was thinking about me and us. She said she read for a while and went back to sleep (This is the part that drives me nuts, she sometimes reads this torrid, explicit sexual book, it drives me nuts that she can read this stuff but shows absolutely none of those feelings towards me, this is what she read this morning).
Later this morning she asked me why I couldnt sleep, I repeated what she said about thinking about her and us. She asked for more detail and I said that it felt like we were roomates and nothing more, she some what agreed, then she gave me the "I love you but not in love with you". Geez nothing like wrecking your day early.
I repeated what I had said last week about what ML means to me and asked her the question.. I said "I need to ask you for something but I dont want you to answer me right away, think about it and we can talk about it later, how do you feel about setting a schedule for sex? Maybe once a week or every two weeks?"
I think I floored her, the first comment was "where did you get this from? THAT book? (SSM) I said it was from there and other places I have been reading. I could tell she was pissed and the rest of the day so far has been rather hellish. Cold and distance seems to be the norm from her now.
I guess at least I put it out there, but man is it tough to take this crap from her. Also just before I asked the question she did repeat that she is LD and implied that that is the way it is, so I should learn to live with it!
Last week I did tell her that from what I could see I had three options:
1. Leave the marriage (told her that was not an option for me)
2. Have an affair (again told her that was not something I could live with)
3. Learn to live with her LD and the feeling of being unloved.
A little vent here, I think my wife is enjoying having me bend over backwards to trying and please her and make her life happy but seems unwilling to make any effort to return the sentiment. Im getting kida sick of this little game. So I guess at least I know what it is I need, even though she cant tell me the same.
So it continues. Im sure W will spark up the conversation later this eve, here's hoping I have the strength not to get angry and resentful, and am able to crack a joke that makes her laugh to ease the tensions conversation.
One more vent, Im tempted, if she repondes forcefully "no chance of her EVER agreeing to a schedule" to the question to ask if she would mind if I slept in another room? She has told me in the past that she likes it when I dont come to bed right away so she has time to wind down and process the day. 100% of the time she is asleep whrn I come to bed. The thought come to mind of asking her "why do you want to share a bed with me any ways?" Sorry just alittle parting vent. Im sure I wount ask this question but it definitely is one of those nagging things that comes to mind over and over again.
Any words of encourgement would be most welcome and needed..
