My wife and I have been together for about 10 Yrs. We have been married for 5. We have two beautiful daughters aged 5 and 3. For the past 5 yrs the frequency and the intensity of our love making has been on a steady decline. When we first met we ML passionately probably 4 – 5 times per week. Lately I have a hard time recalling when the last time we ML passionately, if I had to guess I would say over a year ago. From my recollection we have been having problems for about 2 - 3 yrs. Things in the last year have blow up to the point of feeling like we are at best roommates and nothing more.
I have read DR, SSM, Love Languages, and another one by Michelle that the name escapes me, I also have listened to KLA. When I read SSM I found the first two chapters describing my feelings to a tee.
I have tried going dark for three weeks, that seemed to drive my W further away. I am now trying to act "as if", showing her affection at least daily (rub her shoulders etc) in a non sexual way. This so far seems to be working, but she has told me (last night) that she didn’t understand what she did to bring about the change. I tried to explain to her that nothing she did or didn’t do brought about the change but that I just couldn’t continue to live this way, emotionally distant and detached from my spouse.
When I was reading SSM she did pick up the book and flip through a few chapters. I asked her last night what she got from the book and she told me that she simply got that Michelle was saying that the LD spouse should simply "do it". Also she got that there are LD and HD spouses and what is right for one is not necessarily right for the other. So what she told me is that there should be some way of matching up those spouses?!
I did explain to her what intimacy and ML mean to me. Specifically it’s not about the act of sex but the feeling of being accepted, loved and appreciated.
8 Months ago, she came to me and said that she "almost wanted to have sex to see if we were still compatible in that way". She told me later that way that she was trying to say that she wanted to ML. Later that week we did try and it was rather uncomfortable for the both of us.
Again about a month ago we did try again (after she read parts of SSM) and yet again it was the most uncomfortable and awkward thing I think I have ever done. I think this last time it made it clear to me that sex with my wife probably will never be what it once was. I told her I appreciated her trying but I think she felt the same way. More to the point I think that she and I both feel that sex is something that will probably not happen again.
To add to our difficulties, we are in a difficult way financially. We are making ends meat right now but I am self employed and currently prospects for my company are not too great, adding additional pressure to our relationship.
Both my W and I work full time and send our kids to daycare during the day. My W’s job takes her out town often, at least 1 week per year.
Her job seems to be an additional strain to her as her workload increases and her pay does not. She has told me that she feels used and is tired of them “dangling the carrot” in front of her over and over.
My W is very much the perfectionist and NEEDS to have things planned out and organized. Our two D’s have had various problems that seem to add to the whole mix. Our oldest has an ongoing problem with potty training, which lately seems to be getting much better (she’s gone almost a week without an accident!). Out youngest is slightly delayed in her physical skills and need extra work to get her caught up to where she should be at physically with her age group.
I tend to be more the disciplinarian in our house and I think this drives my wife nuts. She feels that I expect too much from our youngest and that I am too hard on her. So I think she compensates by being alot more leaniant with our youngest than with our oldest. She asked me the other day if I am so hard on our youngest because she reminds me of my W!? I explained that that was not the case but I dont think she beleives me.
Just to repeat, lately (past three days, I have dropped the going dark in favour of acting “as if”. So far not much of a reaction from my wife short of her feeling uncomfortable and unsure where I am coming from. But no bad reactions so far. So I think I need to continue down this path for a week or three and see if things improve.
Short term goals, have my wife touch me (non sexually), give me a hug for no good reason (or for a good reason too!), and to have a “nice” non heated conversation.
Sorry to be so long winded, some times I just need to vent a little.
