Quote: I have a question tho, if i may. How do you find the strength to be able to show affection to your mate that makes you feel totaly rejected and inadiquite? Its a tough question and im trying to find the strength to be outwardly loving and affectionate without getting down on myself when the affection is not returned.
I truly know where you are coming from on this. It is difficult to show affection to someone who is effectively trying to shut you down/out. So...how did I manage to do this? It wasn't easy, there ae many days that I forced myself to do it. I reminded myself constantly that I would only be adding to the space/distance between us if I didn't continue to show my H love/affection. Now that doesn't mean I gushed over him, that doesn't mean I constantly hung on him, or was kissing/hugging all the time or even saying "I love you" all the time. What I really did was work at responding to him when he would make a small effort.
There were truly days I had a hard time looking at him without glaring at him I was so hurt and angry. But I tried to concentrate on seeing the small efforts he would make to show me he loved me. I would use those small things to help keep me going and to remind me that he did/does love me. I know that may sound really cheesy to some people, but that really is what I've done to try to keep myself centered when I need it.
It seems that each time I would get really discouraged and down about our situation my H would somehow do something that I was able to recognize as a show of affection/love from him...and that would give me just what I needed to keep going on. I guess I also just couldn't see how I could truly expect him to start showing me love in the way that I needed him to...if I stopped showing him in my ways (until I learned his) that I love him.
There were definitely days I also just put on a front so-to-speak and acted "as if" our R was just the way I wanted it to be. Now that doesn't mean I didn't continue to talk to him about things, I absolutely did. But for me I found that if I acted as if I were happy then often I was (at least a bit) and that made it easier to show affection as well....or at least not turn him away.
