A little on my stich. My W and I have been having issues for what seems like an eternity (probably more like about a year). Issues of intamacy have been my biigest problem to overcome. I have discussed this with her and she tells me that she has no intrest in sex.
In the past our LL has been torrid and mutually satisfying.
I have tried to explain to her what it means to me and the rejection that I feel from our lack of ML, but I am told that she needs to "feel it here" (points to her head) before she can feel comfortable enough to ML.
I have read DR, SSM and am trying to find principles that I can apply here but am getting frustrated as it seems that everything that I try is not successful, and does not move me any closer to my goals.
Two weeks ago we did have sex (note I did not call this ML). It was probably the most uncomfortable, contrived thing that I have ever experinced. I talked to my wife about this and she agreed. This seems to have made me rethink my goals.
Im rather confused and having a hard time focusing on what I should be doing (or not doing). Any advice would be most welcome.
Hi & welcome to the BB. I think you'll find lots of great insights here. Something caught my attention...you said your W has to feel it "here" pointing to her head. That's not exactly telling you what's up now is it? But it makes me wonder if what she meant was she doesn't feel loved.
I can tell you when I don't feel loved, the last thing I want to do or think about is ML. When she told you that, did you ask her specifically what she meant? If she meant she doesn't feel loved....then ask her what you can do that would make her feel loved.
There's a great book that I suggest you read "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman. Everyone has their different style of love language. What you interperet as signs of love/desire/affection, may not be what she would interperet at all as those things. So...if you are showing signs of love in your way, you aren'treaching her and she's left feeling unloved because you aren't speaking to with actions she would interperet as love. Did that make sense?
Really I suggest you read this book and add it to your library...at least to begin with :-)
In addition to Greeneyedlass here are some more books: "You can be Happy no matter what" Richard Carlson "When Chicken Soup Isn't Enough" Bradley Barris "The 7 Habits of Highly effective People" Stephen Covey "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" John Gray "You Just don't Understand" Deborah Tanner "Divorce Busting" Michelle Weiner-Davis "Divorce Remedy" Michelle Weiner-Davis "Winning Your Wife Back" Gary Smalley "When Love Dies, how to save a marriage" Judy Bodmer "Stop unwanted Divorce" Nathan Claunch "Living, Loving, and learning" Leo Buscaglia "The Pleasers" K Leman "When your Best is not good enough" K Leman "How one of you can bring two of you together" S Page "7 Principles of making marriage work" J Gotham "Family First" P McGraw Go to a counselor. Pray. Change yourself.
Thanks for the response. I have read Love Languages. I found it a wonderful book that made alot of sense. I immediately found my primary LL (can you guess?). I have tried to find out what my wife's primary LL is, I have (as the book suggested) tried each of the methods and watched for a reaction, nothing.
I actually talked to my wife about this book (may have been a bad mistake) and asked her is she would be willing to take the survey in the back of the book. She agreed. When she started reading the questions, she told me that she wanted it all!?! And stopped trying to answer the questions.
She had told me in subsiquent "discussions" that she needs to feel taken care of but in the same breath tells me that she needs to feel more in control of her / our lives?! So my confusion and frustration builds.
All I feel that I can do these days is to take care of myself, I have been working out regularly (unfortunately in my basement) and just started a martial arts class. I almost feel like I am doing this to try and not be around the painful situation.
Sorry starting to ramble here, having a rough day so far.
Thanks for the advice I truly do appreciate the comments.
Ok she told you she needs to feel taken care of and in control of her/your lives. Did you ask her what would make her feel that way?
Really, ask her that. If she says "I don't know"...then calmly and lovingly say. "Ok I can buy that for now, but put some thought into it and let's talk about it tomorrow night. I would really like to know, because I do love you and want to know what I can do to make sure that feel the love I have for you."
Then....do something like buy a bottle of wine for the next evening pour her a glass, ask her if she has thought about the conversation and let her know you'd like to sit down and talk some more about it.
Thanks for the suggestion. Let me give you a little more info so you can understand more of my stich. I am self employed and currently am having difficulties with work. This seems to be a seasonal thing for me as my work is very seasonal. Unfortunately this year seems to be worse than most. Currently I am looking at having to go out and look for a job. This is adding some financial strain on my relationship as well.
I have asked my wife in the past (couple of weeks ago) what would make her feel more "in control". She told me that she was concerned that all of our assets are in my name. We had a rather heated discussion about this to the point that I had to pull out registration papers (for the vehicles and the house) to show her that that is not the case. I also had to explain that we are married and that "what is mine is yours". Unfortunately this convo was not a "nice" one. I think that the point did get accross and I have not heard that concern again, but im sure the feeling is still lingering.
I recently tried the tactic of going dark, but i think it backfired. She told me that she felt emotionaly distant from me and appeared outwardly upset. I have tried to stop this but it doesnt seem to matter what I do that everything I do is taken that way.
So currently I think I know what the answer to the question that you poosed will be. But I will pose the question at my earliest opportunity.
I have a question tho, if i may. How do you find the strength to be able to show affection to your mate that makes you feel totaly rejected and inadiquite? Its a tough question and im trying to find the strength to be outwardly loving and affectionate without getting down on myself when the affection is not returned.
Quote: I have a question tho, if i may. How do you find the strength to be able to show affection to your mate that makes you feel totaly rejected and inadiquite? Its a tough question and im trying to find the strength to be outwardly loving and affectionate without getting down on myself when the affection is not returned.
I truly know where you are coming from on this. It is difficult to show affection to someone who is effectively trying to shut you down/out. So...how did I manage to do this? It wasn't easy, there ae many days that I forced myself to do it. I reminded myself constantly that I would only be adding to the space/distance between us if I didn't continue to show my H love/affection. Now that doesn't mean I gushed over him, that doesn't mean I constantly hung on him, or was kissing/hugging all the time or even saying "I love you" all the time. What I really did was work at responding to him when he would make a small effort.
There were truly days I had a hard time looking at him without glaring at him I was so hurt and angry. But I tried to concentrate on seeing the small efforts he would make to show me he loved me. I would use those small things to help keep me going and to remind me that he did/does love me. I know that may sound really cheesy to some people, but that really is what I've done to try to keep myself centered when I need it.
It seems that each time I would get really discouraged and down about our situation my H would somehow do something that I was able to recognize as a show of affection/love from him...and that would give me just what I needed to keep going on. I guess I also just couldn't see how I could truly expect him to start showing me love in the way that I needed him to...if I stopped showing him in my ways (until I learned his) that I love him.
There were definitely days I also just put on a front so-to-speak and acted "as if" our R was just the way I wanted it to be. Now that doesn't mean I didn't continue to talk to him about things, I absolutely did. But for me I found that if I acted as if I were happy then often I was (at least a bit) and that made it easier to show affection as well....or at least not turn him away.
Thanks for the answer. It does help. I guess I was just looking for something that I could work on as far as the closeness / distance goes. What you say makes alot of sense and I think what I get from your answer is that I really need to start working on noticing little things. I think I have been to caught up in the search for the grand gestures and when I didnt get them or got the reverse I would shut down even more.
Today seems to be another "eggshells" day. Yesterday we went to a gymnastics meet with my sister her two D's and my mother. My mother tends to grate on my wife's nerves on a daily basis. My M is an old european and has the habit of "trying to help" with reguards to helping take care of our d's (3 & 5). I think that I need to keep the two of them apart for a while. I cant remember the last time they were in the same room and things ended well.
Im still working trying to find the right time to ask the question that you posed. Hopefuly it will be taken favourably. These days Im almost afraid to ask any hard questions for fear of making my wife feel pressured.
Thanks agin for your insight and honesty, I really do appreciate the moral boost. It sure helps to know that others understand and that im not alone.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
We were seeing each other / living togeather for 5 Yrs. Prior to getting married. We have been married for 6 Yrs. So we have been togeather for a total of 11 Yrs.
