Okay all you ladies out there... I implemented some of your suggestions last night...finally! It wasn't the right time before. Anyway, I made it known VERY plainly that I wanted her and desired her. I out and out propositioned her. Reminded her of my talents, etc.!! I was very confident and strong...but also light-hearted.
Of course, she refused but she didn't want to. I could tell. She said it would be "detrimental." She said it would be like sleeping with a "cousin." She said that I'm fragile and that I would try to use it against her. She said more, those are the only things I can remember.
I responded that it would not be detrimental...it would be GOOD for both of us. We both obviously needed the release. I wasn't needy or begging...I was straight-forward. I kept trying to keep it light and fun. I didn't back away at her first re-buff. I kept my hand on her thigh...I moved it in an important direction...but she stopped me.
I told her that if she changed her mind during the night to wake me! I would be ready for her whenever!! I made it clear that I wanted HER!! Not my hand...not someone else, her! When she would say it was wrong...I would remind that we were still married and so it wasn't wrong.
THEN, this morning. I woke up even more in "need." So, I started cuddling her. Rubbing her thigh, pressing myself against her...the whole nine yards. I could feel her body begin to respond but then she pushed my hand away...but didn't pull away. I kept at it for about 20 minutes. She just whispered "Sorry, honey."
When I got up, I got undressed in front of her before going into the bathroom to shower...so she could SEE. That was a big deal for me...but it felt like the right thing to do. I reminded her that I am ready for her...and that what she saw and felt was for her.
Sorry this is so graphic. Just wanted to share. Now, nothing may come from this. But, if what you guys have been saying all along is true...she is at least having to think about me in that way again.
From the things she was saying, she was trying to make it about me and my feelings. But, it was pretty obvious that she is trying to avoid it so that it will be easier for HER to keep her door closed. I don't remember the specific comment that she tried to frame around my vulnerabilties but I asked her, "are you sure that's all you're concerned about?" She just moaned a little bit but didn't really respond. When she'd say she's sorry...I'd say, "Me too because you're missing out."
Needless to say, if you can't tell, I'm feeling pretty good this morning. And, I don't think it's because I made progress with her...it's because I took a stand and followed through. I don't know what it did to her...she could be completely cold and distant now. I don't care...I let her know that I am capable and willing to desire her and only her!!
Again, sorry so graphic and so long! Any feedback on what I could do better next time...this afternoon, tonight...LUNCH?
I'm doing my Snoopy Dance for you You did great! That is exactly what several of us were suggesting you try. You did it just right in my book...and didn't it feel good?!
Keep that up and you will wear her resistance down....don't get discouraged at her rebuffs, she's afraid to stick her neck and emotions back out there. Just keep this behavior up!!
Mucho congrats. You are exactly right - it isn't about her response, it is about standing up for you!! If your marriage is to survive she needs to develop a gruding respect for you. If it isn't you need to develop that respect for yourself.
I encourage you to take whatever steps you need to in order to come to terms with the abuse. It is a terrible thing.
KEB, I forgot to add one thing: I made my husband WORK for it several times....ok, hundreds of times, LOL..as we worked things out. It was my own pride, it had nothing to do with him. It did NOTHING to help the repair process but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that.
I just could NOT bring myself to trust that he desired me, as he said he did. I had long ago lost faith in his words (and he himself told me that he wasn't sure where a "wife fit into things" meaning, he didn't know if he should stay married) and did not trust that his desire was for real. I needed to SEE it on a consistent basis, without him reverting to his original behavior once I let my guard down a teensy tiny bit, and then I really opened the floodgates and let him back in, fully.
So what your wife is doing is completely normal, imo.
Or should I write: imto (in my twisted opinion) cause I don't remember some of the more 'healthy' board members torturing their husbands in this way.
I may not have done that with my H (made him work for it that is)...but believe me I've wanted to!!!! So, it's not so twisted....or perhaps that's just I'm as twisted as you are LOL
I think you did good. Keep it up, and I do believe she will melt. In the meantime, encourage her to talk, and let out her frustration and anger from the past as much as she can. Tell her that this is not a one-time deal, but you intend to work on this with her for the long term (and mean it.)
It took my H 3 or 4 tries before I melted...although if he had come on to me as forcefully as you describe, I might not even have lasted that long!
Seriously though, when I think back, I was holding him off partly because I was nervous that if we ML once, he would slack off again and we would go back to square zero. I used that time to have several conversations with him where I made clear the depth of my hurt and frustration, what my expectations were, and that he would have to win my trust back.
Go KEB! I think what all of the HDWs are saying is that we need to expect a little torture before we earn our way back into the fold. No one here seems all that twisted, so it would be a safe assumption that we will need to clearly and consistently show our W's that they are the center of our attention.
As NOPkins said, "You need to picture yourself as the man of the hour, and learn to live it." It sounds like you are well on your way to that goal. Don't let your past bog down your future, and don't let a little rejection discourage you.
I anticipate a lot of rejection on the path to recovery. But the important thing is to make sure that NONE of that rejection is coming from yourself!
Chin up & chest out! It sounds like a chink in her armour is within your reach! 20 minutes! What I would give for a tenth of that!
KEB... Chiming in here as well to say you done good! Your actions are exactly the kind of thing I would love to see in my H...the ability to reach in and show me what I mean to him, especially in terms of desire, without first reading my mood to see if it's "safe."
I admire how hard you are working to save your marriage.
I was very confident and strong...but also light-hearted.
