quote: --------------- W did suffer quietly for a long time, then she drifted, and since oct has been calling OM & avoiding me. I know that we will not gain any ground until the air is clear regarding this, but I see a very dark cloud ahead. I don't want to be a snoop, a sneak or a spy. My evidence of EA is slim to none, simply the phone bills showing 4-7 calls a day, sometimes 2Hr calls, increasing to nearly 150 calls in Feb. Now that W cancelled online bill, I won't even have that evidence. ---------------
If your wife is spending that much time with another man, even if it is just on the phone, then it is at best, inappropriate. It sure sounds like a full blown affair - emotional, possibly physical. The problem with wives having affairs is that husbands are typically slow on the uptake. In other words, the affair is usually a lot further along by the time a man notices. Women tend to notice much earlier in the process.
It would probably be a good thing to talk to the other man's wife and the two of you compare schedules and activity times for your respective spouses. You might quickly find a pattern if there is one.
All this is going to take time. The most important thing you can do, is to get a firm grip on yourself.
Take anything that your wife says to the counselor with a HUGE grain of salt. Remember, her morals have shifted. She does not see things the way you or I would right now. Expect her to try and get you to leave. Don't do it.
Being the man of steel is a bit of work for a conflict avoider. You need to recognize that first off. Avoiding conflict got you into this mess. The conflict avoider must go.
I have already given you a partial list of things to do and don't do. Study them. Make them a part of you.
Whenever you want to avoid the issues, or feel the need for comforting, don't give into it. At the same time, you need to make yourself available to your wife.
Examples;
Good; ------ Wife: "I never meant to hurt you"
You: "I believe that you mean that. I still love you and I am ready and able to do whatever it takes to work on our marriage with you, as soon as you stop all contact with the other man."
Bad; ----- Wife: "All this crap is your fault! If you had only tried to meet my needs, I would never have done this."
You: "I know, I am so sorry, you are right it is my fault. Please give me a hug. Please just give me one more chance. I promise I can have sex with you as often as you want it."
The first example shows you a firm and loving man, plus you are negotiating for the end of the affair.
The second example shows a desperate, needy, grabby man.
The correct way to handle the second example: ---------- Wife: "All this crap is your fault! If you had only tried to meet my needs, I would never have done this."
You: "Your choice to go outside of our marriage to get your needs met is strictly your responsibility, it was your choice, not my fault. Regardless, I still love you and I am ready to do whatever it takes to recover our marriage, just as soon as you stop all contact with the other man."
It is fine to own up to your responsibility in the condition of the marriage, it is not okay for you to accept blame for choices not your own. You have definitely contributed to the condition of your marriage, but you did NOT force your wife to have an affair.
You can't waffle. You must decide to be the hero for your marriage. I can't be, and your wife won't be. That leaves you. Do you think you are up for the job?
If you are up for the job, go back and re-read my few posts to you. There is more usable information there than you might realize at first.
Next, make a short list for yourself of do's and don'ts.
After that, you need a plan of action. A list of what needs to be done immediately. Legal, financial accounting, separation of finances, etc.
Please understand, there are NO GUARANTEES that you will save your marriage, but the better your effort in the battle, the more likely the outcome will be in your favor.
Oh, and you will want to make sure that your wife is NOT reading here. Possibly later, but certainly not right now. That would be a major tactical mistake for obvious reasons.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
