Good Afternoon All-- I'm not sure about posting here with this but, I've come to trust the opinions of you guys in here.
I have been talking SO big about making the changes and doing the DB stuff for these last few weeks. BUT, it turns out that I'm emotionally back to square one.
As most of you know by now, I was abused as a child and finally had the courage to talk about it last week. Since then, I have cratered emotionally. GEL has been amazing at talking me through via email but I can NOT snap out of it.
My C said yesterday that uncontrollable crying is a common side-effect of letting go. But, it feels like SO much more than that. It's like I finally let go of something terrible that happened to me only to be embroiled in this whole loss of the M thing. I can't get the thought out of my head that if I fail at this marriage, then my abusers won! I've lost everything in life.
I know it sounds so pathetic and desperate. My friends keep reminding me that I'm a good person, blah, blah, blah. I just can't work myself into feeling positive about anything (Sorry GEL--I know this morning I swore I was gonna get strong--but as the day wears on...I feel weaker and weaker).
On top of all of it, I should be elated that I've finally found something at the root of my LD. It should give me power to confront the issues of the past so that I can get moving on the future. But, if that future doesn't include my wife...
Guys, I'm really sorry for this post. I just need to release and to vent somewhere. I hate feeling like this. I've NEVER been so emotionally needy in my life. But, then, I've never lost something so important in my life because of my actions. When someone dies...that is out of your control completely. But, to hurt someone you love so totally that they just want to be away from you...that is a knife in the heart.
