Separation, trial or otherwise. You should be aware, that statistically, separation almost always becomes permanent. Your wife wants separation in order to have time for the other man, unfettered by YOU, and possibly time to facilitate the divorce. You have already observed that she is really not interested in counseling. Why would a separation work better?
Snooping matters only when there are secrets. A properly functioning marriage has trust and NO secrets. She has proven that she can't be trusted. In order to protect yourself and what is left of the marriage, you snoop. Since your wife will not be honest with you, this is the only mechanism you have with which you can acquire at least some truth. You have a right to know the truth, and God is not going to be mad at you :-)
Here is some basic truth for you. If you want to save your marriage, then you will have to become the man of steel, the hero, for your marriage. You will have to fight for it.
Your wife is currently feeding whatever makes her feel good. What she is doing is all about HER, not you.
The simple fact, is this. Life just fixed you a crap sandwich for lunch. You have to eat it, one way or the other. You have to face your situation and walk through it, recovered marriage, or divorce, you are still going to have to work through it. The best thing you can do right now, is to face that fact.
Get serious about being a better man, and I don't mean becoming a maid or a doormat. No doormat behavior. She needs to know that she is hurting you. I don't mean tears. I don't mean grabby/needy crap from you, but a manly response.
"Wife, your talking to the other man is hurting me and destroying our marriage. Please stop." Then walk off. No pleading. No long statements. No teaching. State the facts whenever appropriate, then shut-up.
Do you see the picture I am trying to paint, csw?
Also, you can not let your failings in the marriage be a point of negotiation, i.e, "I have failed at sex so I can not confront my wife about the affair". What you do instead is be ready to fix whatever is at issue, once NO CONTACT with the other man is established. I touched on this in my previous post to you. You can only improve YOU, when there is a third person in your marriage. You can not improve your MARRIAGE while there is a third person.
I will leave you with this. Warning, it will sting.
If your wife is now avoiding sex with you, there is a good possibility that she is having it with someone else. This is why you need to find out the truth, good or bad. You can't fight well without intelligence. Battles are won or lost on intelligence.
God bless, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
