I see that you are working with a coach via phone. I don't want to interfere, especially if it is working for you.
I do want to leave you with a few truths about affairs. They may sting a bit.
A person involved in an affair has chosen to 'cheat'. That is a conscious decision to deceive, and lie. Therefore, all cheaters are liars. You simply can't have one without the other.
You DO need to be concerned about your finances. You need to directly ask for a complete accounting of all the household funds. I don't care who makes more. The whole missing check/timing/separate account deal sets all my flags off. If you find a discrepancy, then you will need to withhold your funds until you two can establish a common account, used only for household bills and other joint items. If you have a joint credit card, cancel it. It is a very good idea to go ahead and separate your finances. If you don't do this, it may very well jump up and bite you later. You may find that money has already been funneled to an attorney.
Your wife's moral base has shifted. This will directly affect her perception of you, and everyone else. Her mistrust of basically everything, will increase.
Anything that your wife tells you is now suspect. She has proven that she can not be trusted. Do NOT trust her. I am not being mean to her, it is a by-product of her bad choices.
Don't leave your home for an extended time. You may return home to find your goods bagged and packed, sitting on the lawn for you, and the locks on the house changed.
Contact an attorney. You simply must protect your interests, and learn what your options are. Do not believe that your wife has not already done so. It is likely that she has.
Don't sign anything.
Don't do things that would facilitate her affair.
A wayward spouse's cry for a 'need for space' is just a way to have unfettered time for the other person.
You can not recover your marriage as long as there is a third party involved. ALL contact with the other person must end before your marital recovery can start.
ANY contact with the other person effectively resets recovery to zero.
The affair is NOT YOUR FAULT. I know that you have contributed to the state of your marriage, however, the decision to have an affair is WHOLLY the responsibility of your wife. If you are feeling at fault, STOP.
-- Here are some positive things you can do to improve you, and the way your wife perceives you.
Clean yourself up. Smile a lot, smell good, look good. If you are a bit pudgy, start working out, even if it is only push-ups in the basement.
From this point on, you simply must be the 'man of steel'. Men of steel are tender and caring, but they are NEVER touchy/grabby/feely or needy. Men of steel don't dote.
You need to picture yourself as the man of the hour, and learn to live it.
If you make a mess, you clean it up right then. Start immediately carrying your own weight in the relationship.
Don't talk relationship. Tell her that you have no intention of divorcing her, that you want to save the marriage. Tell her that once she has broken all contact with the other man, you will address any and all marital issues, including sex, with fierce determination. That is ALL you should tell her about the relationship.
Don't try to talk relationship or 'teach' her. She will not receive any instruction or correction from you right now.
There is a lot more, but that will get you going. Some people here may not like my strong stance on affairs. If you want to talk some more, just holler.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
