I would just try to validate what your wife is going through. It may mean nothing to you..or not make sense to you, but what does that matter? It is HER pain and you must validate that and take responsibility for your contribution to it, and show compassion for what she is feeling.

For instance, your excuses. I have no doubt they are valid and true but my opinion (MY opinion, now) is that there is NO excuse for not ML to your spouse. None. Others might have differing opinions, but I'm just telling you my gut reaction to reading that. So while I sympathize with everything that you have gone through and are still going through, I would still expect sex. To me, it is a non-negotiable part of M.

So if I were your wife and I heard your excuses, I would certainly be sympathetic but it would, at the same time, strengthen my resolve to get out of the M. I would see an excuse as a very scary thing. A way that you are justifying your behavior. And if it can be justified NOW, it can be justified in the future--by a different excuse--and that is too scary a proposition to consider..that I might be right back in this game in the near future.

What I would suggest doing differently is validating her pain. This does not mean that your own pain or discomfort is nothing..it just means that the affect on HER is something that you're aware of and you are sorry about. Practice saying things like, I can see how you felt that way.
Validate her experience as a sex starved wife instead of trying to excuse your behavior or laying on thickly all the reasons why it will be different in the future. I think right now she just wants to be heard and to know that you agree that she suffered.

Csw, I further believe that your sitch is complicated due to her affair. I'm not sure how to tell you to proceed wrt that but I do see results from other DB posters, so things like getting a life and detaching might be good for you. Plus, they will probably be 180's, eh?
I would not back off on the affection, because that is not necessarily a 180 for you but the idea should be to show her the most positive and engaging CSW that you can muster. Make her question her decision to throw it all away.

Good luck.

I liked Lillie's idea to let the silence be. Someone will fill the vacuum. It will make you look less desperate and more confident if it's not always you.

HP