We have an MC appt on Wed. I know I need to be an expert listener and validator, but what if W isn't talking? What are some ideas for me to keep the MC session going constructively? Last time she said didn't have any energy to give to work on the R, and let the MC run the show. How can I express to her that I am willing to do all of the work, and I am willing to give way more than I have, in perpetuum?
I think part of our problem is that we are very much alike in many ways except for libido. From the mundane fact of our CW initials & birthadays 6/9 & 6/11, to our interests in nature, gardening, art, music, vegetarianism, etc. Also that we both grew up as minor outcasts, few friends, etc. I tried that personality test, I don't remember the results offhand, but I bet we are close in that regard as well. As far as love language is concerned, she is 5 for sure. I am still undecided... The problem with this is... how many of these similarities are real, and how much was her assimilating to me when we were courting? I personally watched two of her sisters morph into new people when they met their now husbands, this after knowing them for many years. Could that be why she said she feels like she lost part of herself? I fell in love with her because of who she was when we met, and I have always loved her for her strong will and the positive energy that she seemed to radiate. This lead wall between us has blocked much of that from view lately. So now I have no idea how to get through to her.
She refuses to acknowledge any of my excuses on the libido front: Depression from biz failure, undiagnosed auto-immune disease for nearly two years, Lichen Planus, and childhood abuse. All of these had a serious effect on my self esteem, self image, ability to perform, etc. I have worked much of this out in counseling, and I am ready to fill my role STS. She said it isn’t her job to fix me, but I’M NOT BROKEN!
So, My questions are thus: **How can I make myself more attractive than her right hand? **What do I talk about in MC if no one else is talking? **How do I slow down her desire to run? **How do I tell he she has no grounds for divorce if she presses the Sep. issue, without her freaking out? (NY has no irreconcilable dif. ) **How do I tell her I am not moving out if she presses the Sep. issue, with out making her think I am a money grubber with my eyes on the house? ( I am finally making more $$ than her, but she sees the years when I was in the red. I don’t want the house without her here, but I want to stay to work on R)
If I get even one good answer for these tough questions, I will consider myself a lucky man indeed.
As far as my previous thread, “how to discuss a suspected affair”, I think we will be doing that at the MC session. I received an email from our cell Co today, saying we had been de-enrolled from online access. This is how I discovered W’s EA. I looked once, got the info, and left it at that. The OM left his W, and she blew up and accused him of A with my W. My W apparently heard about this and realized that I looked at the cell bill. It is in her name, but it is a family account. She had an appt with her “divorce” counselor this morning, and the cancellation happened immediately after. I am sure he told her to do this, or the OM, as W is not computer savvy at all. I am sure she will get in my face about looking at bill, and I will want to get in her face about EA, but I won’t. I am above petty bickering at this point. I need love in my life, not strife. W may say she feels empty and used, but her words and actions did not convey those feelings until very recently, then it was as if a switch was flipped, and she did a 180.
I showed her love, affection, and kindness throughout our R, but now I see we were speaking different languages. I am very worried about this development. W was acting funny since I moved back into the room. Today the sunrise was hitting her as we ate breakfast, and I said she was glowing. She said she was certainly not glowing, that it was only the sun. This somber mood always leads to something bad. I think at our Wed appt, she will ask for Sep. She was leaning that way after our 1st appt, and ever since. I don’t know what to do at this point but sit back and wait. I have no $$ for a lawyer, so I don’t know if I can avoid granting her a sep. I won’t leave unless the judge makes me leave, as I will do whatever it takes to work on R. Panic is setting in, so I better get back to work.
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