Awesome...she didn't push you away when you gave her a show of affection! That's absolutely wonderful. Keep it up!!!
Look at it this way...you are going to have to woo her again to win her back. I firmly believe you can do this, otherwise she'd already be out the door.
W & I watched Simon Birch last night, a rather sad movie. We had a little wine, & W began dozing off toward the middle. I moved in for a wake up kiss, ended up breaking her wine glass, & got a bit emotional myself. She woke up during the commotion of cleanup, and was awake for the rest of the movie. We were both a bit emotional after, and I said I didn't want to sleep in the spare room. She said I didn't have to if I didn't want to... I grabbed my pillow and made the move. She was asleep withing seconds as usual. I put my hand on her hip, and began to let it wander a bit . I told her I wanted her, and she said that she was really tired and had already drifted off to sleep. I backed off a bit but kept my hand on her side. At least she had more to say than no. This morning I tried to get close and hold her, but she tossed and turned and made it difficult. Finally I could tell she was awake, so I tried the same move as last night. She jumped out of the covers! Oh well. I tried. I will sleep in our BR again tonight, without any outward advances like last night. (I don't want to push her away, so I will ease into this) Baby steps, right? She said she didn't want me to visit Granny with her, so that date idea is shot down. There is a blizzard outside, so no walk. I am pleased with the progress yesterday, but a little frightened by W jumping out of bed, and her faraway eyes this morning. I don't know if my advances made her regret letting me back in the BR, but I'm staying there! Baby steps. She must get a kick out of being able to turn me down. I'm willing and able to put up with it, and expect her to put me through some torture (mental) before she begins to open up.
Try not to be too upset about her turning you down. Remember she's gone through years of reject and pain. Letting you in now means opening herself back up to the rejection she experienced before. Speaking from experience that's a tough thing to do.
Right now she's not likely to trust that your shows of affection/desire are here to stay. And I know you probably already know this, but I'll say it again just to reiterate k? She won't let you back in all at once, it's going to take time for her to rebuild the trust that this won't change...and for her to trust her feelings towards you again. So like you said...baby steps.
Hey! She did afterall tell you that you didn't hav to sleep in the spare room right? No matter what, don't give that up again! Take the openings she gives you when they are presented and be creative in your ways to spend quality time with her. I'm confident you are on your way!
Just keep reminding yourself when you get discouraged, this takes time! You can do it!
Overall, I feel encouraged, despite the distance she kept between us today. I will try to take it slowly, as she DID ask for space, and I want to show her that I am willing to honor all of her wishes regarding her space and needs.
I didn't feel remotely upset about her rejection, and anticipated it. I did not expect her to make an excuse, but rather expected a flat out "ain't happenin'" as I have received on other recent attempts. So in fact that particular rejection made me feel better.
She goes back and forth so often in her mood toward me, that I am getting used to it. I am learning to read her subtle cues, and now know when to back away from her (like today). So I will keep on with three forward two back, and these baby steps will eventually get me ahead of the game... I like the idea about making her feel like this is our place. I didn't get that bluebird house built, as my painting project is more important today, but that will happen soon. Today W saw a Northern Harrier snatch a goldfinch from our feeder, which means the nesting pair is back from the migration. She is a hawk fanatic, so she won't be too eager to move out now that they are back, and I am NOT going anywhere!
As far as the BR is concerned, I think today she felt like that was a backpedal. I wonder how things will go tonight...
Great! I'm glad you have that frame of mind towards things, it will really help.
As for being a hawk fanatic, I am too!!! We have them all over around here (I live out in the country in OK). I also love drawing bird of prey...I do scratchboard as a hobby. And my H and I currently have a red-tailed hawk glicee & an Osprey glicee framed and hanging in our home :-)
I hope your weekend continues to go well for you! GEL
W seems so secretive and mysterious most of the time. I think it is because she is trying to GAL that doesn't include me. I got an athletic membership today at our alma mater. It was a mere $60 more for the whole year to up from individual to family, including tai chi, yoga, pool, raquetball, gym, etc but W said to go it alone. Fine by me, it was part of my own GAL plan anyway.
W went to bed, now I can slip in next to her under the radar
We have a nice red tail painting we picked up at an estate sale, and tons of W's photos (snowy owl, great horned, osprey, & loons, etc). I have been hanging more of her work on the walls, they had been pretty bare (still no trim installed) I figured it would be another way for her to feel more connected here, and I love looking at them.
I'll report back if there is any progress or regress
We have an MC appt on Wed. I know I need to be an expert listener and validator, but what if W isn't talking? What are some ideas for me to keep the MC session going constructively? Last time she said didn't have any energy to give to work on the R, and let the MC run the show. How can I express to her that I am willing to do all of the work, and I am willing to give way more than I have, in perpetuum?
I think part of our problem is that we are very much alike in many ways except for libido. From the mundane fact of our CW initials & birthadays 6/9 & 6/11, to our interests in nature, gardening, art, music, vegetarianism, etc. Also that we both grew up as minor outcasts, few friends, etc. I tried that personality test, I don't remember the results offhand, but I bet we are close in that regard as well. As far as love language is concerned, she is 5 for sure. I am still undecided... The problem with this is... how many of these similarities are real, and how much was her assimilating to me when we were courting? I personally watched two of her sisters morph into new people when they met their now husbands, this after knowing them for many years. Could that be why she said she feels like she lost part of herself? I fell in love with her because of who she was when we met, and I have always loved her for her strong will and the positive energy that she seemed to radiate. This lead wall between us has blocked much of that from view lately. So now I have no idea how to get through to her.
She refuses to acknowledge any of my excuses on the libido front: Depression from biz failure, undiagnosed auto-immune disease for nearly two years, Lichen Planus, and childhood abuse. All of these had a serious effect on my self esteem, self image, ability to perform, etc. I have worked much of this out in counseling, and I am ready to fill my role STS. She said it isn’t her job to fix me, but I’M NOT BROKEN!
So, My questions are thus: **How can I make myself more attractive than her right hand? **What do I talk about in MC if no one else is talking? **How do I slow down her desire to run? **How do I tell he she has no grounds for divorce if she presses the Sep. issue, without her freaking out? (NY has no irreconcilable dif. ) **How do I tell her I am not moving out if she presses the Sep. issue, with out making her think I am a money grubber with my eyes on the house? ( I am finally making more $$ than her, but she sees the years when I was in the red. I don’t want the house without her here, but I want to stay to work on R)
If I get even one good answer for these tough questions, I will consider myself a lucky man indeed.
As far as my previous thread, “how to discuss a suspected affair”, I think we will be doing that at the MC session. I received an email from our cell Co today, saying we had been de-enrolled from online access. This is how I discovered W’s EA. I looked once, got the info, and left it at that. The OM left his W, and she blew up and accused him of A with my W. My W apparently heard about this and realized that I looked at the cell bill. It is in her name, but it is a family account. She had an appt with her “divorce” counselor this morning, and the cancellation happened immediately after. I am sure he told her to do this, or the OM, as W is not computer savvy at all. I am sure she will get in my face about looking at bill, and I will want to get in her face about EA, but I won’t. I am above petty bickering at this point. I need love in my life, not strife. W may say she feels empty and used, but her words and actions did not convey those feelings until very recently, then it was as if a switch was flipped, and she did a 180.
I showed her love, affection, and kindness throughout our R, but now I see we were speaking different languages. I am very worried about this development. W was acting funny since I moved back into the room. Today the sunrise was hitting her as we ate breakfast, and I said she was glowing. She said she was certainly not glowing, that it was only the sun. This somber mood always leads to something bad. I think at our Wed appt, she will ask for Sep. She was leaning that way after our 1st appt, and ever since. I don’t know what to do at this point but sit back and wait. I have no $$ for a lawyer, so I don’t know if I can avoid granting her a sep. I won’t leave unless the judge makes me leave, as I will do whatever it takes to work on R. Panic is setting in, so I better get back to work.
csw-- I don't really have many answers to your questions or how to help. I understand the panic of losing the relationship and the need to NOT leave the house. I tried to explain to my wife a couple of weeks ago how I wouldn't leave because it isn't the right thing to do. She wasn't happy about that...but never pressed the point. She has maintained all along that she would leave...and because she is the one wanting out, I agree.
It's frustrating going to the MC because we have different purposes. I want to learn the tools to repair the R. SHE, wants to help me get on with my life. While I want to tell her, she isn't responsible for me, I keep quiet hoping that something in the MC sessions will help her see the good that is still in our marriage.
During our latest discussion this weekend, it was pretty painful. I was trying to explain the fear of failure and the under-running current that always made me feel like a failure (thanks to the abuse). She basically told me that our marriage was already a failure. We weren't financially secure (we're better now than ever--since she took a decent job with a decent salary)...that I was too dependent on my family (sorry for having family who cares about us)...and a few other hurtful things about our marriage being a failure. SO, this D isn't any worse of a failure than we've already encountered. In fact, it will help us stop living the LIE. I'm not sure what her source of info is...but it's pretty screwed-up. Everyone has debt. Everyone struggles but that is life and that is M!!!
Anyway, it was not an easy conversation and we ended up right back where we always do...she wants D, I don't!! ARRGGGHHH!!
Okay...crazy maker starting to rev-up. Gotta get back to work now!
Take care and good luck on Wed. If I think of any decent answers to your questions, I'll respond.
My W thinks our M is a failure as well. We don't have kids, so that is both my failure and her freedom to run guilt free. I know that I hurt her with repeated rejections, and I am trying to understand the depth of her sorrow, but it just doesn't add up to me. While she may have tried to discuss our problems, she never ever used direct words that would help me see the reality. She used vague terms like, I need more (more what? she couldn't say) We have different needs (different love languages?) but she never said (untill november) that I was hurting her with my rejections. I know I should have seen her pain, but it isn't that simple.
K, I am sorry that things are not improving for you. I am completely unable to help, as I am in the lost zone as well. I agree about the life we all lead, debts, struggles, etc. I don't know about yours, but my W has a skewed perspective on all of that. Several of my BIL make in a year what it would take me 5 years to make, and her dad is a self made BMOC. I cannot expect to be that sucsessful, nor do I aspire to be. My preference would be to lead a comfortable life with ample free time home with W & K.
The given fact is that we will both survive whatever may come, like it or not. Right? I am relatively young, so I will still be able to have a family, with W or with my new partner (PMA ) I will be miserable in the meantime, as I truly beleive W & I were destined (big hokey word) to be together. Destiny is a moot point if it was only my destiny to be with her. She is ready to go, so I must let her go. I am making an appt for a lawyer tomorrow, as I have no clue what this is going to cost. I need to be prepared in order to conserve my sanity. I need to be prepared to maintain my PMA. A friend recently told me about the 7 P's. I wish I knew them a long time ago: Proper prior planning prevents piss poor performance.
Stay strong K, and I will try to do the same. Failure is as failure does. I am determined to break the cycle of misery.
. I told her I wanted her, and she said that she was really tired and had already drifted off to sleep. I backed off a bit but kept my hand on her side. At least she had more to say than no. This morning I tried to get close and hold her, but she tossed and turned and made it difficult. Finally I could tell she was awake, so I tried the same move as last night. She jumped out of the covers! Oh well. I tried. I will sleep in our BR again tonight, without any outward advances like last night. (I don't want to push her away, so I will ease into this) Baby steps, right? She said she didn't want me to visit Granny with her, so that date idea is shot down. There is a blizzard outside, so no walk. 
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