I am finally learning the truth, but not from my H

[trustinginHim]

I sat down and talked with my H about rebuilding our intimacy with each other. He was most decidedly dubious and extremely ambivalent about it all. He finally agreed when I was able to convince him that I was not forcing him to have sex with me, but instead to just spend quiet, uninterrupted time with me.

We spent the first 'scheduled' time together rather pleasantly and H got into it to an extent and we actually --his idea. Afterward, my H opened up to me about things like he hadn't in many years. That led to an impromptu and unscheduled time the next day that also led to . I was elated! The idea of a schedule seemed to work!!

Then the next scheduled day rolled around later in the week. My H made himself busy that day and then it got to be too late and then he was just too tired. Same old excuses. I tried to remain positive and look forward to some impromptu, unscheduled time, or even the next scheduled time. Unfortunately, the next scheduled time fell on a day that he traveled, so nothing happened, at least with me anyway.

Time passed and another scheduled day rolled around. My H had not come to bed until 4 am the previous night after falling asleep in his recliner, and by morning I was pretty grumpy, but I pulled myself out of it by mid-day. I fixed my H a really nice supper, did what I could think of to please him and set the mood, but nothing. He then fell asleep in his recliner until well after midnight.

So that is my attempt at 'mandatory' scheduled intimacy time with my H. I don't think I am going to even bring it up again. I am fully aware of where his heart is, and it is not with me right now. I am trying to understand what it is I am to learn from all this, but I seem to have a bit of a mental block about it. I am working on waiting patiently for the answers though.

I grieved privately about it a few days ago, marveling at the thought, planning, energy and extent he used to go to to have some type of sex (physical, phone, cyber, etc.) with his OWomen on a DAILY basis for years, cried because he can't or won't put a small percentage of the same effort into our marriage (at least at this time) and have since let it go. I really try to remember it is not about me and it is all about him, but it gets pretty difficult sometimes for me.

I am trying to refocus on the acting 'as if' strategy and today has actually been a good day for me.

The rest of my time has been spent in preparation for the care of my MIL after her upcoming cholangiocarcinoma surgery. And yes, I am fully aware of the impact this could be having on my H regarding his lack of interest in intimacy with me.

MIL's docs have cleared her for up to an 8+ hour surgery to be performed May 6th, then after a 7-10 day hospital stay, she comes home with me and H in mid to late May. I will care for her 24/7 in our home for at least the next 2-3 months post-surgery. My H's D16 will arrive to also stay with us for the months of June and July--her usual summer visit. With all that soon to be going on, I have kind of resigned myself to the fact that intimacy with my H would be pretty much non-existant anyway, scheduled or not. I am grateful for the distractions I will have.

LG-looking forward to doing some yard work this evening and reading a new book later.