I have my few good days every now and then where I can push the knowledge of my life and pseudo-marriage to the far recesses of my mind and feel some happiness for a little while. Then I have my bad days where everything that has happened to me is just so incredibly overwhelming. Today seems to be some version between the two.
My H admitted to me recently that he manipulated my emotions our entire marriage to create behaviors from me to justify his ongoing infidelity. In light of all that he has done with his sex addiction, that only provided me some very small comfort. I now question if I even know who I AM, let alone who my H is. His treatment of me over the years to suit his needs has totally shaped my perception of myself and who I am. I truly believe that my H has no real concept of how his treatment of me has affected me. The knowledge of the emotional abuse that I have suffered at this man's hands weighs heavily on me. I see many, many sessions of counseling in my future.
On a positive note, my H came forward last Sunday morning at church and made his public declaration that he had accepted Christ as his Savior. He was baptized at that evening's service. I am still left wondering if this is all for real yet or if it is simply more manipulation. I am so screwed up in the head, I have no idea anymore. Time, of course, will tell.
This past week H and I met with the rest of H's family and his mother to spend some time with them and to make plans for his mother's care in her remaining days. Her doctors have decided that her cancer is not treatable with chemo or radiation therapy, so now they are focusing on the surgery aspect. They need to do one more CT scan next week of her abdomen that zeroes in on her hepatic portal vein. If the vein looks clear of cancer, they will do the cancer removal surgery in 2-3 weeks, removing everything they can, including up to 30% of her liver. If the vein appears to be infiltrated with cancer, the doctors will then consider some other treatment options that involve the use of a laser. The laser treatment will provide a shorter life expectancy, but it will be more time than if she is unable to be treated with anything.
We are praying for her to be a surgical candidate, as that will provide her with the longest life expectancy, however, recovery from the surgery will be extremely traumatic and she will require 24/7 care for up to a month following the surgery. Since I am not working and would like the distraction, I volunteered to care for her in our home following her surgery if she is able to go that route.
Today looks to be a beautiful day weather-wise, so I intend to seek a bit of joy in my little corner of the world by spending the day gardening. I hope there is joy to be found in your day too!
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
