I understand she is trying to get the truth and assess whether to continue. I believe she has already decided to continue no matter what she finds. I believe all the snooping takes away her opportunity to learn to trust. How can we start trusting if we are constantly looking for something.
I need to be working myself and doing healthy and happy things me. My sitch was not like hers but the basics are there. Snooping and finding things I didn't want to find hurt alot and set me back. Trusting that things are going to change gives me hope. Forgiving gives me hope. Trusting that he will begin to make decisions and choices for his betterment and betterment of the M gives me hope and helps him feel valued and trusted. Telling him all the things he is doing wrong and what he should do to fix it can make him feel like a child and a failure.
I have learned to detach (and it is hard) and let him figure it out for himself. Letting him have the opportunity be an adult and make his own decisions. And if he stumbles, which he probably will, just being a friend and encouraging him to move on.
I cannot work on myself if I am obsessing about what he is doing or not doing.
Yes, control is an illusion. We have no control over anything but ourselves. So I work very hard at watching what I do and controlling myself and letting my H figure out what he needs to do for himself. He appreciates that greatly. I trust him to make his own decisions and to take my needs into consideration when he does. Sometimes he doesn't and sometimes he does.
I believe in patience, forgiveness and detachment. Sometimes I slip and it takes a long time to make this habit.
