I want to thank those of you who have commented and shown your concern for me.
I have been away from the DB BB for a bit due to the situation escalating here. I have met with both my counselor and pastor. Yesterday, my H tried to manipulate me through my faith by placing on the kitchen table a huge wall hanging I have that has the scripture from 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8--Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude,...etc.,...Love never fails.
My pastor and counselor had both advised me to not confront him alone about his sexual behavior because they feared for me and I had agreed. But when I discovered the wall hanging on the table, purposely left there by my H, I erupted in a firestorm of righteous anger. My H was at work, fortunately for him, so I sent him an email and copied it to ALL his active email accounts--both legit and those set-up for his sex activities. This is the exchange we had:
Quote: I wrote to my H:You don't know the first thing about love, committment, or how to cherish. You make me ill!!
Don't you DARE use my faith and love of the Lord to try to manipulate me!!!.
My H responded:I am sorry LG - it was not meant to appear as manipulation. It was concern over this extreme anger. I don't know what it is that you found that has caused all this or if someone sent you something, but whatever it is, it is from the past. Since I began taking ADs last March and since I asked you back, I have done nothing that would dishonor you, our marriage or your faith.
I know you think you cannot believe that, but it is true. There has been no contact with anyone you don't know about, no infidelity, no anything. I called your pastor the other day and I took responsibility for your pain and anger. I made sure he understood that. There was no attempt to blame you for anything or to make you appear less in the eyes of your congregation, only worry that whatever I have done has set back your your spiritual growth and development.
When I talk to my family I take responsibility as well. They know that I was unfaithful in the past and not a good husband. You are not the same person you were and this setback, past or not, is wholly my fault. I am not the same person either, in part because of you and your example. I do not blame you for how you feel, I am only so very sorry that I am the cause of it and worry extremely that your anger will blind you to your path.
Anger and resentment has always been your enemy and to know that I have somehow set this off again is devastating to me. But if I try and behave normally and if I go about my life as normal, it is because I have tried to be a different person since last March and know that nothing in my life since then could possibly have caused so violent a reaction in you.
I cannot change the past, but I can change the future and have been doing so ever since last year. I know my presence is odious to you. All I can say at this point is that when we went to the marriage retreat in July and reconfirmed our vows, I really meant it and have lived that way.
To have my past rear up and destroy your faith in me is heartbreaking, but I have no one to blame but myself. If I have avoided talking to you about this, it was because I did not want my innermost thoughts posted on the Internet for the world to read. Now I don't mind. If you want to post this so that my motives and thoughts can be examined by people who are skeptical of them, that will allow me to try and answer the criticisms.
Maybe I can't, but I will sincerely try. If your congregation thinks I am trying to manipulate you, I will be answerable to them. I had hoped that my behavior over the past year had been a proof to you that I was not the person from the past. He will never come back, but his behavior is certain to haunt me the rest of my life.
I love you and always will -H
I responded: You are amazing. You are so incredibly amazing. Your whole email is full of lies and manipulation. Well, I am no longer under your thumb--I am no longer afraid of you nor of anything you think you can do to me. I am on to your games and your sickness. You need some major therapeutic help. You are now relegated in my mind to a level even lower than my mother. And that is pretty low. I thought she was the queen of manipulation, but you take the cake! I crown you king. I'm sure that will give you some sort of sicko joy to read that, too.
Your past remains your present. And I am warning you--if I EVER see that notebook computer again with it's filthy pictures and perverse files that it contains, I am taking a hammer to it, state property or not! Don't think I will? TRY ME! I have a whole barn of tools to choose from. And yes, I had the forethought to make copies of what I saw. I can't believe that you made professional presentations from that same computer!! That is truly SICK!!
If you wish for this sham of a marriage to continue, I best be seeing you take some action to get some help for your myriad problems. If not, we shall see what we shall see.
My H responded several hours later: Well, now you know a lot of what I had tried to keep hidden. Yes, there are a lot of files on the notebook. Some of the text files I kept in case of blackmail and to prevent revisionist history, some of the files I kept because I paid for them, some I kept so that I could remember how low I sank. Some, admittedly, are there because I was too lazy to erase them. But, provided the dates didn't change when you copied them, you will see that they are old. They were kept on the notebook because I thought it was the one secure spot I had, especially in case of my email accounts being broken into. I was not sitting in my recliner drooling over them, as I am sure you are imagining.
Now you know the darkest secrets of my life. It has been the bane of my existence and my own personal devil to wrestle with. Addictions can take different forms and this was mine. The only change that ever occurred in me began when I started taking the anti-depressants. It cuts deeply into the problem, so deeply that I was able to give you control of all the finances. Although you did not know this part of it, it was my way of forcing some accountability on myself, to help prevent relapses. If you can believe nothing else, you can believe that because you can see it. You can see everything that I do and know what I spend and where. The addiction cannot be fed without finances. It is one reason I do not want to be on your credit cards. When I told you to start dumping the porno tapes, that was another first. The reason there are so many there is because the addiction does not let me part with anything, even if I do not use it. There is always the 'what if I want it again' question in the back of my mind. Maybe that is not part of the addiction, maybe that is just me.
If I did not seek help, it was because I didn't think I needed any, but I suppose any addict will tell you that. I felt I was slowly beating the problem and that, given the progress over the last year, that I would be able finish with it all secretly, with no one the wiser.
I am sorry that you think that I am so sick that I have made a sham of our marriage and disrespected you. In my mind and in my heart I did not feel this. When I said I had done nothing since last March, I meant it and it is true. I have not fed the addiction or allowed it to take control over me. However, I did not admit an addiction. Nor have I ever before. Yes, I will certainly seek help.
You can pick the counselor and come or not as you choose, or if you prefer I will do all that and have reports sent to you. Even though you do not believe it, the last few months of our marriage have been some of the best of my life. It has been the first time as an adult that I ever had a woman so devoted to me. Your faith really has been an asset to me and I admit that one of the reasons my own faith has not been restored is because of the fear in the back of my mind that I would have to change too soon. I ran into this paradox once before, when I was 14, and it was very unpleasant and is one reason I still shy away from religion.
I will try to prove to you that I am worth salvaging and that I have come a long way (I think) even on my own. The hardest part of this is to have lost all your respect, which has always mattered to me, to have made you think that I am a drooling lunatic and that this superseded my regard for our marriage. If there is any way I can prove that is not true, I will certainly do my best. If your regard for me is so damaged that you think you will never feel the same about me and do not want a rehabilitated pervert as a husband, I will understand.
As I said, I am not trying to duck any responsibility here. My love for you is real. Part of the reason I ended up on the floor last year broken down was that I was trying to reconcile love and the addiction. With you gone, the addiction got free reign. But it is incompatible with love. Fortunately, love is the stronger emotion and the ADs provided the leverage I needed to start moving, slowly I admit, off dead center. Once I had picked up enough momentum, I also picked up the phone. I hate to contemplate what I would have become if the love was not there.
And truly, the only reason we ever stopped having sex was because of the lichen planus. It was unfortunate that the kidney stones followed on the heels of the diagnosis, as I have been afraid to use to the equipment since. It had nothing to do with the addiction, although I admit that I have had trouble with sex this year because of it. If you remember, the last time we made love I performed poorly. It was because, since the antidepressants are clearing my viewpoint, that I had trouble reconciling love and sex. They have been different in my mind all my life - you know this since I have said as much. Now, however, I can logically see one as the extension of the other, a viewpoint I rejected before.
Emotionally dealing with this is another story, that the sex was part of the addiction and I did not want you affiliated with that. It has been hard to cope with and now that I think of it, that point alone should have been enough to get me to therapy. I apologize for that.
I guess the more I write the more comes pouring out here and I need to put a cork in it. I feel deep embarrassment and shame. At least I know what it is that has made you so angry. Having your anger and disdain wash over me is unbearable. I am so sorry to have caused you this pain. And even though you don't want to hear it, I do love you.
I replied: You'd best be calling the counselor then and make an appointment for both of us. We will start with that. I am developing a list of demands that I will expect you to follow to a "T".
The VERY FIRST misstep, I am exposing your sins to the world and we are through, and that is NOT a threat. It will become your dark reality. I hope that provides you some motivation to begin to honestly address your problems.
I will be with you at your side every step of the way. All I ask is for your honesty and cooperation--absolutely no more hiding ANYTHING--it is confession time. And it is about time for you to learn about the scripture that YOU left on the table for ME.
My H responded: The real threat is losing your love. The rest is nothing. Please believe that. We have an appointment with the counselor on Wednesday the 16th at 5 - that was her earliest appointment. I will try other counselors to get in sooner if you like, but am content to wait on this one if you are.
Thank you so much for that last paragraph, that you will be with me. I will be honest with you, but I have to tell you LG, it is not pretty. It may be better to wait until we are in the counselor's office to discuss anything. Also, I believe I am going to need a stronger AD or an increased dosage. Please forgive me. I will be home in a little while when I recover my composure.
I love you
Before my H came home, I found my Bible that is written for admitted and recovering addicts and told him that he needed to begin reading it and to start with the book of John and address the 12 steps to recovery. I left it on the kitchen table for him to find and I left the house for awhile.
When I came home, he had been out in his shop. He came in the house and made the totally inappropriate comment to me, "You better watch out, there is a pervert in the house!"
That was it. I lost it, I am ashamed to say. I tore into him. I said, "What did I hear you say?" He mumbled something. I moved toward him and I screamed, "H!! This is not a joke! This is NO laughing matter!! You have a problem..." and went from there.
I have never in our marriage responded in that manner to my H. I had some righteous anger and I let him have it. He was shocked!!
The following is the beginning of him starting to address his sickness and addiction. He was up most of the night reading the Bible, thinking and putting his thoughts on paper. I am still seeing many problems with his words, but I believe we have started on the true road to healing finally. My H asked me to comment on his words below. If you readers have anything to point out to me, please feel to do so.
Quote: ------------- PEOPLE I HAVE HURT -------------------- LG My first wife BMOW My son My daughter My Momma My middle brother My youngest brother My Aunt
These are all the people who have loved me. All have suffered terribly because of my actions. If these people are happy now, it is in spite of me, not because I made them happy.
---------------------------------- A FAULT LIST, MY MORAL INVENTORY ----------------------------------
I have no moral compass. I lie to protect my stability rather than to face consequences. I have a fear of telling the truth when it hurts. I am manipulative, I bend situations in my favor. I feel the basic good in me is enough, I do not strive to be better or fix what is bad. I am lazy to a fault. I am judgemental. I am not willing to do a self-analysis and face the facts, which indicates cowardice. I am afraid of Christianity, I am a spiritual cripple and I hide behind my profession. I do just enough to regain a feeling of comfort in my life and relationships and then I stop. I do things for show, rather than depth. My ego defeats my humility.
-------------------------- AM I A SEXUAL PREDATOR? AM I MENTALLY ILL? DID I RUIN KENYA'S LIFE? DID I RUIN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES ON MY LIST? ----------------------------------------------------
THE TWELVE STEPS TO A RECOVERED LIFE
1.) ADMIT THAT I AM POWERLESS OVER MY DEPENDENCIES AND THAT LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE> This is very hard for me...am I really powerless? I was but am I now? The track record since March a year ago is good, only minor slip ups. Check the fault list, there are a ton of problems. If I were really in charge, why is this list so long? But how many of these are due to lack of power? Ego again...all of them.
2.) THERE IS A POWER GREATER THAN ME THAT CAN RESTORE ME TO SANITY> If there is not, then I am lost. Why can't I see it, why can I not clear that last hurdle? It is not like I am not open or not looking. Maybe I only think I am. What is the truth? I hide that even from myself sometimes. The truth is, deep down, I believe. The problem is, I am trying to justify the belief. Why do I have to do that? Because I am not sure what I believe in--only that I believe. The real crux of the matter is: do I believe in Christ and accept the Biblical version of events? I want to so badly, but that is not enough. Again, what is the truth? The truth is, I have not reached that goal. The truth is, I am not trying hard enough. Without an honest effort, how can I expect an honest reponse. Laziness, again.
3.) I MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO TURN MY LIFE OVER TO GOD> This is such an easy way to take a cop out. How many times have I laughed at all the silly politicos and businessmen who got caught with their pants down who suddenly "Found Jesus!" It is a mistake to let my opinion about them matter. What matters is sincerity. Can I achieve this? Can I achieve this in the right frame of mind? This is personal between myself and God. I have admitted that I believe. I can do this, but I have to do it the right way. I guess that means it really isn't an easy way out. There are rules and expectations and requirements. But are they so heavy a price to pay for peace of mind that comes from knowing you are doing the right thing and are truly blameless? No, especially as I shoulder more problems and there are more expectations of me. There is more to being useful than doing well in my profession.
4.) I MADE A SEARCHING AND MORAL INVENTORY OF MYSELF> What would this have looked like even yesterday? If LG did not have the moral conviction to tear into me, would even half of that be there? Would I even be doing this? The sad answer is NO! As trite as it sounds, this may be a good thing to happen to me. The downside is the cost to LG. This is a work in progress.
5.) I HAVE ADMITTED TO GOD, MYSELF, AND ANOTHER HUMAN BEING THE EXACT NATURE OF MY WRONGS> Again, a work in progress. Until tonight, I had never even considered the thought of being a sexual predator or being mentally ill. But I will find out if I am, and if so admit it. I do admit the wrongs caused by the faults I am sure that I have and will work to bring them into sharper focus in my mind rather than trying to bury or ignore them. I will also work to find the others I am not yet aware I have. I am scared.
6.) I AM ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE GOD REMOVE ALL THESE DEFECTS OF CHARACTER> This first involves belief. I have admitted I believe. Will I be heard if I am not baptized? Is the baptism the step where these defects become within my power to defeat? If so, then I have to come to grips with the Biblical interpretation of Jesus and truly believe it. This will be a big step. If not, then this step is reachable now.
7.) I HAVE HUMBLY ASKED HIM TO REMOVE THESE SHORTCOMINGS> I am still a little confused on this step and truly need to work on the humility part. Ego again.
8.) I HAVE MADE A LIST OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE HARMED AND AM WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM> My faults are not ones that hurt strangers or acquaintances. They hurt people I love or care about and who care about me. Something tells me that no matter who the addict is or what the addiction is, their list is like mine. I should not have been surprised.
9.) WE MAKE DIRECT AMENDS TO THESE PEOPLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE, EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS> I will need advice here.
He only got through to step 9 before he stopped for the night. He will address the remaining steps tonight in addition to my comments on these steps. It is apparent to me that he is still in denial about a lot, but we have made a start in the right direction finally and I thank the Lord for that! HE is good, forever and ever!
LG--marveling at the 10 pounds she has lost in a week on the "New and Improved" infidelity diet
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
