I am finally learning the truth, but not from my H

[trustinginHim]

Some more thoughts from both BMOW and her fiance on my H:

Fiance's thoughts: Granted I am not an expert but have worked in helping with several women that were victims of sexual predators. I have personal connections with multiple victims so it means a lot to me. I hate seeing a woman victimized. It infuriates me into almost a blind rage.

Your H is a player. Plain and simple. He enjoys the pursuit of the women and what it is going to take to get what he wants from each one. There is an arrogance in being a gifted writer and speaker...with that comes a bit of game in seeing what you can do with this talent.

Swooning women is a big thing. It's not only an ego trip, but a rush... Looking for the chinks in a woman's armor to gain that one little toe hold that will allow you to gain your prize.

Being able to read in a woman's response (either in person or e-mail or on the phone) what it is she desires, troubles her, needs.... A big key in all of this is being a good listener and being able to pick up on information to gain access to the woman. Is her husband verbally abusive, how often do they have sex, does she read books, is she more into tv, all things a person would look for in catching his prey.

My thoughts are that your H got married to his first W...Realized she was not the "arm charm" he wanted to be with...so he went looking for a pretty girl--you. Young, Slim, girl visually appealing to him in what he desires to be known as having at home. Realize this is a "VISUAL" thing he wants. I think he is driven by nice shiny objects....unfortunately I think you are one of those pretty toys.

But just like a spoiled child once they get the thing they covet....they usually shelve it but enjoy being able to tell people that they HAVE IT.

Now...why BBW's (Big Beautiful Women)....? They are easy prey. Skinny good looking women are the thrill of the chase...VERY hard to get...a status symbol thing....usually skinny women have their choice of the men they are with...and can demand higher standards and put up with a lot less crap because the guy does not want to upset them for fear they will leave to find someone else.

Big women have problems usually....most are married multiple times...broken hearted....not the queen of the ball...and willing to do anything sexually or of any other fetish to catch and keep hold of a man. They will look the other way at other women calling or possible threats for fear they will lose the man. BBW are or tend to be very wild childs in bed.

In the Swing lifestyle...you will find more large women that you will skinny and if you talk to them there are very few that actually want to be in the lifestyle but are doing it out of pressure from their significant other.

As for your H's problem... I think he started as a teen with a mass hormone rage....that fueled his hunger for physical contact and sex. As time has gone on that appetite has grown. It's a progressivly expanding thing and not something that can be reversed with any degree of simplicity. If it can at all. You want more and more till it is almost all you think about all day...you start looking at every woman that comes into your sights as a potential sexual encounter...doesn't matter size, race, age.... Just fulfilling the hunger that burns in your gut.

You can try masturbation and you end up doing that 10-20 times a day... (That is not an exaggeration). You lay in wait for that next sexual encounter...who will it be with, where will it be, what will she do... You start surfing porn sites and that helps some....webcam shows are a bit better because you get the person actually doing something for you on the cam...something personal....and she's watching you.

And once again you get to practice your writing in trying to seduce her on cam...get her to do those naughty things no one else will while you masturbate. Then you start meeting the women you talk with online....and having encounters with them....then you start having three ways (multiple women)...then orgies (men and women)...people around you all exhibiting the same behavior...accepting you as one of their own...

Then you go back to your wife at home. And she just is not as exciting as having sex with many women at once. Maybe she's not willing to do those things the other women are (anal, multiple partners, whips, bondage, role playing, etc). So he is not stimulated in the least by his wife at home because there is no way she can even compare or play in the same league as the excitement and thrill that is accompanied by the hidden life he is carrying on.

Oh he will have sex with the wife to cover up what is going on in his hidden life but it will be few and far between times and he will come up with excuses as to why he cannot perform...stress...sickness...sore muscles....too tired.... And when they do have sex it will be short and sweet and he will rush to make her orgasm and pretend like it was the world for him...totally exhausted afterwards...but it is all a ploy as he is only thinking of one thing while having sex with her....the trysts he has had in the past and those to come in the future.

Can your H be cured? The good Lord can cure anyone....but unfortunately with free will one has to want to genuinely be cured. And truthfully LG, I do not think you will ever get him to accept there is a problem and I do not think you will ever be able to quench his hunger for sex. And it is not going to get any better unfortunately.

To summarize, the hunger is what drives him and has taken control of his life so that everything else around him get's neglected and falls apart. He doesn't appear to have the will or the desire to stop it.

BMOW's thoughts: I have to say that there are only some points that I agree with my fiance on.. I believe that he is accurate when he says that your H is a player and that he likes collecting things... his fly tying closet and wood shop are also examples of this. He has all the shiny toys.. a fly tying closet that puts some of the fly shops to shame here in the metroplex, but how many things has he actually constructed? How many flies has he actually tied, how many times has he even been fly fishing?

It's the chase and the thrill of having the posessions. He would tell me the all the time the story of chasing you and how difficult you were to catch. That you tormented him for months and months not sleeping with him. He was going to have you one way or another. After you left he would tell me that he just couldn't give up on your marriage and that you had put him through so much to get you and that he abandoned and left his children for you... it was as if he felt that all the sacrifice and effort he put into chasing you made it impossible for him to imagine not getting his prize so to speak...

But to try and answer one of your questions... I do think that this behavior stems from a root issue, and I believe that issue to be a lack of self esteem and self confidence at the core of who he really is.... He sorta had a breakdown with me on the phone once and told me that deep down he was never going to amount to much more than being a punk kid from the streets of South Texas.

I think that if he were to be totally honest about how he feels about himself, he'd say that overall he see's himself as a failure. He has 1 failed marriage, another failing... numerous affairs. I don't think he's reached the heights in his career that he thinks he should have. I know that he feels inadequate as a father and he is obsessed with his financial status and always looking for that "pot of gold".

He also told me once that he would have nightmares about not being able to take care of his family the way he thinks he should. I believe that he has expectations of himself that are unrealistic and unreasonable. He blames himself for his father's death, he told me once that he felt like he should have done more research sooner, paid more attention when he had the chance to get more involved with his father's treatement. I think he holds himself responsible for everyone else's happiness and when he believes he fails it's just one more proof to him that he is inadequate as a man.

I also believe that the sexual prowess stems from a need to control the things in his life that he can control through manipulation. It's like a drug addict that needs a fix.. he needs an ego boost because of all the short comings he believes he has. The high is short lived though and like any addict, he is looking for the next bigger and better high. (Fiance disagrees with me here, he thinks that he uses all of these perceived short comings as justification for the behavior so that he can psych himself into believing that it's ok. He and I will have to agree to disagree on this point, LOL).

I just think that there is something underlying all of this, he knows what he's doing is wrong but he can't or won't stop doing it... that's the real question, why can't he or won't he just stop??

I do think that my fiance is accurate in his portrayal of the pattern that your H is in. I think that he has himself so jacked up sexually I can't imagine what it would take at this point in his life to satisfy his appetite. I don't even believe that his sexual desires are physically driven, I think it's all a mind game at this point.

As far as trusting him again, I don't think I would ever trust him again. Heck, I have issues trusting others because of my experience with him and other betrayals. You have to consider if you really want to live your life watching his every move wondering when and if it's going to happen again. And then what if it does? Have you wasted more of your time? I have to agree with my fiance that the odds of him really doing the work to stop all of this is pretty slim.

I never specifically discussed your H's behaviors with my therapist, it was more about figuring out how I ever got to the point in my life that I allowed that to happen and to recognize behaviors and feelings within myself that I needed to be addressed and work on.

From my therapist's perspective, I think she would believe that he was just a lonely married man that was in the same situation that I was in ... honestly until I met my fiance, it never occurred to me that your H's feelings for me weren't real or that he had "played" me so to speak. I really believed all the lies and everything that he had told me. It's only been since you and I have started talking that the reality of it all has hit me square in the face that it was all lies.

Just keep your faith strong and in front of you... it is what is going to get you through all of this. Whatever the outcome, you will be stronger for it all and there is a greater purpose that we just may not be privy to at the moment... You are in our thoughts and prayers, please try and rest and remember to nurture youself... you deserve that.

Talk soon, BMOW and Fiance