I am finally learning the truth, but not from my H

[trustinginHim]

Well, BMOW and I have developed an email dialog. She sent me some more info late last night.

The lies just go on and on...., it would appear that as we unravel all of this we are both getting revelations from all sides.

Continuing the story, I started to see things deteriorate between us sexually in Nov 2003. He supposedly became totally impotent, something that supposedly even meds couldn't break through. We did not have any physical contact from November 2003 through late January 2004. He claimed that it was all the serious depression he was experiencing. He even claimed that he was taking anti-depressants and they were affecting him sexually. I don't know now if he actually ever went to the Dr. for the meds or if he was even going to counseling sessions when he said he was.. he told me that he was seeing a counselor for himself in addition to the joint sessions with you. At this point, I believe there was very little truth to anything that he said to me.

And yes, we will end the business. It needed to end a long time ago for me, I just felt so badly for the other people involved, but at this point, I have to make a stand and do what's best for you and I. I don't even think I want to offer it any business partners, I think we should just auction off the inventory, turn the site off and be done with it.

Also, your H never took any responsibility for the problems in your marriage, it was always your fault. The things that he told me about you made you sound like some wretched person. Of course I believed it all back then, he was very good at spinning tails and making it sound like his home life was one of utter loneliness and abandonment.

I would listen to him tell me about how he would manipulate you, and for some reason it never occurred to me that he would be doing the same to me...of course he was. I personally think that he is a master manipulator.

I can give you a specific on this one... I think you had written him a letter and left it in his computer case (this was shortly after we returned from Chicago). He read parts of the letter to me, specifically where you address the fact that you were uncomfortable with his and my relationship. He told me that he confronted you about the letter and that he purposely made you feel bad about it and embarrassed you by telling you that he had told everyone involved with the business about the letter and the "false" accusations. I felt sorry for you, because I knew the truth and thought that what he was saying and doing was uncalled for. Now it just looks so horribly cruel and ugly, that he was protesting too much and completely beat you down again. He would purposely make you feel badly about how you were supposedly treating him and then he would go about his business as if he were completely justified and entitled.

He told me that his first wife cheated on him early in the marriage when they lived in LA, but that was the only time that he knew of. He never said that they had an open marriage or understanding, as a matter of fact he claimed to have only cheated on her twice. Once with a woman he picked up in a bar and another time with a "porn star" that he met in Las Vegas. He claimed that those were the only 2 times that he ever cheated on her. I repeatedly asked about this through the course of our relationship and his story never changed.

To be honest, I never thought his molestation incident was all that traumatic of a story and apparently it only happened once. I think that it was just another excuse to get rid of me when something better came along. He was looking for everything and everyway he could to break things off with me at the end. I was the stupid stubborn one that was willing to stick by his side no matter what he was going through. I cared so deeply for him that it was much more than a physical relationship for me. I would have done just about anything he asked of me, and I did

He also told me that he promised you children later on in your marriage. He told me that after you had been married a few years that every time the subject came up he would do everything he could to talk you out of having children. He made it very clear to me that he had NO interest in having more children with anyone. Sounds like more manipulation on his part.

When you threatened divorce during your separation, he was totally apathetic, so I'm not sure this threat will motivate him to address his issues. Unless you force the issue and actually make a move to do something...he'll just sit and let whatever happens to him happen. And this is totally predictable. If he does nothing then he can't be responsible, right? Then it's easier to say that it was everyone else's fault and that he is just the victim.

I don't think you ever realized how frequently we saw each other. It was at least 1-2 times a week. The longest we ever went without seeing each other was over Christmas 2003 and that was about 10 days. He frequently came to see me without your knowledge and I know that he did not share it everytime I came to see him. After you moved out, he would have me park my car in the alley behind the house.

This internet business we created was going to be the financial answer to his prayers...he was going to take care of me and get you the ranch you always dreamed of. What I can't believe is that I bought into this and that I was actually willing to sacrifice my life to become somebody's mistress... what the heck was I thinking... LOL, I mean at this point LG, I have to laugh.. I have to hold onto my sense of humor to keep from completely falling apart over all of this.

It was a really twisted way to think but he was good at manipulating and I was blind to it and bought into it. He never once said that he would leave you, he always stated clearly that was not his intentions. But he also made it clear that he had every intention of making me a permanent part of his life somehow.

Your H was constantly talking about how broke he was and how concerned he was about his finances, but then would spend money as if it were never going to stop flowing in. He would tell me that he couldn't afford to fix things up around the house or get a yard service and then go and blow 2 grand on a table saw that I doubt to this day has ever done more than split a 2x4.

I am curious as how he managed a harem as you say he had...and it's ironic that you used that word. When I met him he told me that his initial plan with AFF was to have about 5 women lined up so that he could rotate them and bring a new one in to the mix occasionally.. that he was actually trying to create a "harem" (his words). He made me believe that when he met me that this all changed and that I was the only one... that he stopped all activities to find other women.

He must have other email accounts etc that neither of us know about because I checked his email accounts constantly (several times daily)... and never saw anything that lead me to believe he was communicating with other women. I would love to know the answer to that.. I mean, I know it's not my place etc, but this is all such a shock to me. Think about it, either you or I knew where he was 24/7, there were very few days that I was not online with him all day while he was at work and almost the entire evening.. we would be online together until 1-3 in the morning for months.... when did he have time to see anyone else?? How did he ever get any work done? He would tell me that his job was so high pressure and that the demands on him at work were great. It's hard to believe that he could be successful with his career and manage to chase skirts as much as he did.

His secret hotmail account--he never used that account for spam, that account is specifically for private correspondance. That is the account that he and I used to correspond. The fact that it's still open tells me everything we need to know.

If not for my children, I think I was near suicide over things. I had devoted so much time and effort into the him, his life and his dreams that I lost myself in the process. It was an extremely unhealthy relationship for me and was actually my blessing that he dumped me when he did. I would have to guess at this point that any tears he had were more for show and from disappointment that I didn't make the business what he wanted.

I could go into pages about that too... why the business didn't and couldn't work.. He nor any business partners ever really helped with that damn company. There were always excuses and things always took 3 times as long as they should have to get done. But I never pressured him... but it's all moot now. just venting I guess...

I do know that all of the women prior to me and with me were all larger women. He also enjoyed taking pictures and video taping. There were dozens of pictures on his laptop and there is also a video tape that he had. I hate thinking that he has pictures still on his laptop.. think we could accidently drop that thing into a lake somewhere??

I had hoped the he had long since deleted everything and destroyed the tape, but at this point from what you've indicated, it may be highly unlikely and it may very well still be there. It's a small 8mm tape, not a VHS.. I would really love to know that the tape has been totally destroyed.

I really haven't had any contact with him since June of last year and that was under duress. I was not aware of any other people, he tried to make me believe that you and I were the only ones in his life.

I will just say that I believe that your H's feelings for anyone are as geniune as he is capable of feeling. What I'm not sure of is if the feelings run deep enough to really want to heal or understand that he needs to change completely to ever really find peace or happiness.

Initially when he broke things off with me I did threaten to tell you everything that I knew.. but I never did because I couldn't bring myself to hurt you any more than I already had. I thought there was really no good that could come of my lashing out in anger. But it was a tactic that I was not afraid to let him know that I would use if he pushed me too far. I believe that the reason that he has not addressed the business or me with you was out of fear. He's afraid that I'm going to tell you everthing that I have.. LOL, little did he ever imagine that we would actually collaborate to really get to the truth for both of us.

If history repeats itself, I have a feeling that he'll just shut down completely when confronted with all this. Hopefully he won't, maybe he will finally see all of this as his salvation. I hope that he is that insiteful...

Talk soon, BMOW