Ellie, I can really appreciate your posts and point of view about all this. I am not in any way defending BMOW's actions--she is equally as guilty as my H in all this and I think her new guy makes a point of this, and yes, of course I am considering the source.
What all this boils down to for me is that my H has a much deeper problem than I suspected and it has gone on much longer in our marriage and his life than I suspected, and I believe by the way he continues to treat me that it is still going on to some degree. Knowing this, our reconciliation and healing is dramatically affected.
I will be calling my counselor and my pastor today to make appointments for myself to meet with them next week. What is glaringly apparent to me is that my H is still not being accountable for his past (and now suspected present) actions, nor has he ever admitted to me that he might have a problem and to what extent it went. I think he is in denial and it is way past time to address this. If he can't come clean with me in counseling, and admit to what he has done and may still be doing, this marriage is over for me.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
