Today, I decided to just come right out and ask BMOW's fiance some very direct questions. So I emailed him. He then wrote me back and cc'ed both my H and a business partner. What I wrote is in black and the fiance's response is in blue. The color choice seems fitting, doesn't it?
Quote: I would like to begin this by saying that I really wish many good things for you and BMOW. I have prayed for BMOW to receive many blessings after all the heartache she has endured in her life and I really hope that you are one of her blessings. I appreciate your concern for BMOW and your well wishes for her and her life.
Second, the business means nothing to me. Nor does it to me... I've my own 20 year old company that I continue to run and sit on the national Board for the industry. This business is hardly worth my time or efforts... But we have a inventory to get rid of and trashing it seems stupid but it is getting to that point.
I wish to, one, sever completely all ties that my life continues to have with the business as soon as possible so that my husband and I can move on in a positive direction with our life and, two, to protect my husband in name and respect. Of this I understand too, I know BMOW wishes nothing to do with the company to date and has taken much counseling to deal with the fact your H simply used her and the state she was in, concerning her past marriage, to have the affair with her and lure the numerous other women and ladies of the evening into sexual fetishes they delved into.
The sad fact being all in the name of "love", it's a sad person, reputation or not that uses a woman as such, telling them they "love" them but wants to have sex with them and other women. But alas everyone has their skeletons and quirks I suppose.
I'm not going to get into a pissing match with you over who did what, when or where to whom... But you better be careful in what trees you rattle lest you get hit on the head with a apple even a snake would not want a bite of. But you can ask your husband, as I am sure you will, about that. I don't mean to be crass about this but I have sat in on almost one year of sessions and hearing about the torrid events that went on, the sex personals websites they belonged to, the hotels they took women to, the pictures they took, and too much more than I have the desire to discuss. But I did secure the pictures, and I do have the sites and web addresses with the STILL open accounts.
Why you may ask.
For this very reason...is BMOW of no responsibility or fault in the affair with your H and the other women they had, NO. But neither is your H and I will be damned if anyone is going to hurt her any further than she has been. I am not trying to imply that you are attempting to hurt her but you seem to be taking a one-sided view of this situation or maybe you just don't know all of the facts.
Out of respect for BMOW and her name, I, like you, will do everything to protect her. Trust me....her family was not happy of her decision to have an affair but do know what happened and support her in her efforts to recover from also being part victim in this situation. If you have not guessed this is a very sore subject with myself having worked in the past with victims of sexual predators.
The only reason I am even corresponding with you is because my husband absolutely doesn't care anymore and there seems to be some loose ends that need cleaning up. All the business means to him now is about two years of lies, heartache and disappointment and thus he is quite apathetic about ending this chapter in his life. I believe his thoughts are that if he doesn't think about it, it must not exist. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way for me. I would agree that there is disappointment on both ends regarding the business aspect. It appears that no-one really followed through as initially intended in order to make this a real viable business.
From what BMOW has explained to me, the business was created as a cover to explain and justify the time they spent together. It is regrettable that others were involved that they were unaware of the initial intention, I'm sure that would have chosen NOT to participate.
The only reason that I handle this now is as I stated above, is to deplete the inventory that is currently being stored in our home. Once that has occurred, there are and will not be any on-going activities to create new product or grow anything.
As a matter of fact, I believe BMOW has offered to return everything several times with no response. It was our intention to sell off the majority at a show, but I doubt seriously that BMOW will want to put in the effort it takes to man a booth and handle this sort of activity, understandably so.
I realize that my H signed away his rights to this business this past summer. After he did this, I thought our connection to the business was over except for the occasional customer that we would forward your way, as we have been doing. However, since then, I am failing to understand several things that remain ongoing:
1) Why are we still receiving correspondence for the business at our home address at this late date? When H signed his rights away, the business address change should have been reported to the appropriate entities at that time. I noticed that the customer payments stopped coming here, so why are we still receiving the business correspondence? The corporation address was changed and the mailing address was changed as far as we know to our address some time ago. I'm not really sure why that mail was sent to your home address. All other business correspondence does come to our address.
As far as payments are concerned, the few checks that have been received barely cover the cost of shipping and the time it takes to administer things. This is not a cash cow or revenue generating entity by any stretch of the imagination.
All of the "sales" dollars that have come in, can be seen by logging onto the administrative portion of the site. Over the past year, we have had less than 2K in sales, hardly anything to speak of. In the past when BMOW has offered to send money or reimbursements to your H or other business partners for their time and money, they have vehemently refused.
2) Why is our home address still listed on the website, specifically on the XXXX page? By the way, the fax number also listed on that page has been disconnected. The home address apparently is listed there because the server has had numerous problems (this is what we were told), the site has been backed up and brought back up with backup files multiple times and we have tried to stay on top of making sure that the correct information is reflected there.
In fact, in the beginning we thought it best to move the site, we have asked numerous times to provide us with access and the information needed so that we could move the site from their service. As I'm sure your H can tell you and as BMOW has told me, they have never been known for their responsiveness.
After months of trying to get the site moved, our efforts went no where and it became a moot point. And at this point, it doesn't really matter. It is my opinion and BMOW's wish to severe all ties to this business.
3) If my H signed away all responsibility for the business, why is his name still affiliated with the business website? I note the XXXX page that has his name listed along with an email address that includes his name. Again, we have tried to keep up with the changes, but are not informed when the site is backed up from old copies. Further more, your H and the business partners all have access to the site with the logon ID for administration.
4) Why were two credit cards taken out in his name for the business after he signed his rights away? We received notification of their existence in the mail. There are debit cards associated with the business account. Capitol One sent a pre-approved card some months back, we have never received anything else regarding notification as to the status of this account. There are no other cards that have been issued or taken out in the companies name that we are aware of.
Fiance, I do worry and am greatly concerned. For me, my husband and the business partners. Can you possibly understand this from my point of view? As for corresponding with the business partners about these matters, one says that no one from your end responds to his emails about the business. Also, if the corporation does not know that my H signed away his rights as indicated by the delinquent notices we have received, then there is a problem. We have not heard from any business partners since last fall, as a matter of fact BMOW wrote to him about the financials just a few weeks back and we have never received a response. Other than that, there has been no correspondence between anyone, other than the few that you have forwarded to us. We've heard nothing from anyone for months.
It was our assumption that this was by choice. The company corporation was notified of the changes made with minutes and they were posted to the site last summer. We will follow up and make sure that the records reflect the changes accordingly.
As for forwarding these delinquent notices we have received about the business in the mail, I believe all are capable of being addressed online from your end in a timely manner. BMOW knows what needs to be done and when, or at least that is what she has indicated in the past. The fact that we are receiving these notices now, at this late date and after BMOW had emphatically stated in a past email to both my H and business partners that all had been taken care of and that the business was up-to-date, indicates there is a problem. I would greatly appreciate it if you take my concern for these matters into consideration and address these problems. As I previously stated, if there are any loose ends that need to be resolved, we will handle it on this end. I 've spoken to BMOW and she is promptly going to be contacting the Company Corporation to clear this matter up.
Regards to you, LG
The company will be closed or offered to a business partner as soon as we do hear from him and finish honoring the orders we have currently. If said business partner does not wish to take this on, we will auction off the remaining inventory as a single lot.
Fiance
LG--still reeling and it sure looks like I was right about a few things
More to come...and if my H has seen this email, he has said nothing to me about it yet.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Oh, come on!!!!!! This poor schmuck is "protecting" BMOW from your terrible H who lured her into a life of sin (except he MET her on one of those awful sites, right?????). Gag me. He must be a REAL idiot.
Just take it all with a grain of salt, okay? I suspect she has told her fiance a lot of other lies also, so don't assume everything you hear from him is fact.
No Ellie, this is for real. My H is a sex addict. Here is some more info from the fiance, and I can verify about 90% right this moment. Give me some time and sadly, I bet I can verify all of it as true.
Quote: LG,
Here are some of the answers and the story in its entirety as I know it and as BMOW is telling me as I am asking her right now (trust me, BMOW is in tears (of regret and shame) having to drudge this up but I've told her you have a right to know the truth):
The AFF account (his initial solo account) is listed under "XXXX". This account was opened on 1/18/2003 and is currently active, but only I have the password to access the account. The account is not currently being utilized. Does this mean he does not have one currently being used...I don't know but neither would you due to the fact he does not use a local zip code as his home one so his people that contact him are far from you... That way you have no good audit trail if you did try to do a search on the websites for him.
BMOW opened her account on AFF in April of 2003, due to being betrayed in a way by her ex-husband that would rock the foundation of any matrimonial sanctity. Her ex left her in a state of shambles and looking for affection and caring from anyone that would show her attention. Unfortunately she looked in the wrong places. To be exact, your H has (had) a list of about 10 men that BMOW "met" through the web site (there were not sexual encounters with all of these men). I tell you this in hoping you realize that I am answering any and all of your questions to help you achieve peace and a life you want and to maybe help your H out, as I have helped BMOW through this situation.
Your H initiated contact with BMOW via AFF (she has long since deleted the account and has no correspondence from the initial contact). They met on or around 4/24/2003 at a motel in XXXX. This is a place that they met numerous times over the course of the affair. There was also a Hotel in your town they met at as well as both your house and hers. Not something I know you would like to hear but surely a question running through your mind.
The business story was created in early May as a cover for time spent together. They had joint accounts on AFF and SLS, AFF handle was XXXX and Swing was XXXX (both of these accounts are closed and can no longer be accessed). The swing website is called swinglifestyle.com.
There were at least 3 other women that BMOW knew of prior to her, that were a result of the solo AFF account. One that met him on a trip to XXXX and another that he met at the same hotel in XXXX multiple times. The 3rd that she recalls was one that he met at a park in XXXX. Apparently he was willing to share his sexual history with BMOW and also told her that he had been "Seeing" other women since late 1996 mostly "escorts" in San Antonio and in OKC. BMOW has shared with me the details of their encounters with 3 other women, all initiated from the accounts they had created on AFF.
Together they met with several women and initiated in threesomes, mainly meeting these women multiple times in the metroplex. When you left your H, he basically shut down and ceased to function and BMOW stepped in and took care of him. She got the bills paid, put the household back together, brought him furniture, cookware, bathroom stuff, the linens for your step-son's room, cleaned the house and was there at his beckoned call. She put her family life on hold to make sure he was taken care of, right or wrong. His telling her he loved her all the while and her believing it to the point of her looking for a job so she could leave her ex and forge her own life and see where it would lead with your H.
The problem laid in the fact that your H is VISUALLY stimulated by women with petite figures but is SEXUALLY stimulated by rubenesque women. This is not a assumption but something he told BMOW. So when the time came that BMOW basically called his hand and wanted to see where the relationship would go....he ended the relationship due to not wanting to raise her children or having to deal with a strong willed woman which he said would be like going back to his first marriage. They had a conversation on the phone, they agreed it was over and BMOW packed up all of the business stuff and took it back to his house.
Within a week or so she decided she wanted the stuff back, she had spent so much time at that point on it and in truth she still wanted a connection to him.
They agreed to let her have it back. Over the course of a few months, obviously the need for the connection on BMOW's end of things died as she realized how unhealthy her behaviors had been. BMOW has gone through a painful divorce, started a new life and relationship and is completely focused on her children, family and the future.
As for the company, she felt she would continue to try and make it a go to actually make something for the partners that invested time, effort and money. In the past 8 months the real motivation has been to try and recoup some investment and I have aided in some areas, but it's hard with no input from your H or others as to new things going on and so much more that could have been done with minimal input on their parts. At this point, it's very clear that the company needs to be dismantled, it is continuing to bring reminders of pain and strife to all those connected.
Obviously there are lot's of details and things that occurred during their relationship that I can't possible spell out in a single email. I hope that you understand that I share this with you truly in the spirit of bringing closure to these past events for everyone and that even though I really don't know you, that I can trust that these details will only be used for the purposes of healing your own situation. BMOW talked about your initial break up and that your H had told her that you were going to make the divorce between you very public and that it was your intention to ruin him and every aspect of his life.
I obviously doubt that this is your true intention at this point or I would not be sharing these details, it is not my intention or BMOW's to maliciously take place in the destruction of anyone's life. Enough pain has been shared by all involved and it's truly time to end everything for everyone's sake.
And you know the fact that your H is not owning up to his part in the affair or the true facts to what happened.... I hope that our correspondence helps you help him get the counseling he needs. Unfortunately, a person has got to want to change in order to actually have it do any good.
I am so so sorry that this was that much of a shock to you...both BMOW and I had thought that surely you had some inclination due to having heard y'all were trying to work through all of this in counseling.
I am so very sorry for your pain and I can tell you that BMOW is TRUELY sorry for the pain she was a party to in the past and in retelling of the past. BMOW really does believe that your H truly loves you... All through their affair he always said he was in love with you and hoped for your happiness and how beautiful he thought you were... But this is truly a sickness.
Sex addiction is a valid and real illness and not one easily dealt with but one that is treatable. The lies are just part and parcel to the problem that lay at the root.... I have faith and hope and pray though that you find comfort and guidence in your faith and prayer and those around you that you CAN trust and lean on.
Don't give up on him even though he has caused you pain...all of this is not neccessarily about you but about an illness.
If he does love you, and BMOW says he does.... When you find the strength to confront him... If he wants you he will move Heaven and Earth to keep you and will seek help without prevocation. If not... I am not sure what to say but that you will for sure be in our thoughts and prayers.
Sleep, Rest and know that wounds heal but need treatment and time.
A friend, Fiance
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Well, LG, I still find myself wondering - what do you know now that you didn't know before? You knew the kinds of websites he went on, you knew he met her there, you suspected there would have been others because of the nature of the site.
As for anything else - do consider the source. After all, BMOW is still making all kinds of excuses for her behaviors to this new guy, who is buying her victim act hook, line and sinker.
Quote: BMOW opened her account on AFF in April of 2003, due to being betrayed in a way by her ex-husband that would rock the foundation of any matrimonial sanctity. Her ex left her in a state of shambles and looking for affection and caring from anyone that would show her attention.
So it's her husband's fault she went on the kinky sex sites? Sorry, don't buy it.
Quote: To be exact, your H has (had) a list of about 10 men that BMOW "met" through the web site (there were not sexual encounters with all of these men).
Of course, this new guy wants to believe she didn't have sex with any of these other guys and that your H was the only bad guy that lured her into kinky adulterous sex - NOT!
Quote: She put her family life on hold to make sure he was taken care of, right or wrong. His telling her he loved her all the while and her believing it to the point of her looking for a job so she could leave her ex and forge her own life and see where it would lead with your H.
What a lovely martyr! Let's try - she swooped in and thought now she had her chance to get your H.
Quote: The problem laid in the fact that your H is VISUALLY stimulated by women with petite figures but is SEXUALLY stimulated by rubenesque women. This is not a assumption but something he told BMOW
I dunno - just because he said it to BMOW, does that make it true? We a;ll know what crazy things our H's say to justify their actions.
Look LG - I'm certainly not defending your H, what he has done is awful. I'm just pointing out the you already knew he met her on a "swinging" site, you already suspected there could have been others because of the nature of the site he was on. So what exactly is new in this communication, other than this poor pathetic guy buying all of BMOW's excuses as to why she was a victim in all this????
Ellie, I can really appreciate your posts and point of view about all this. I am not in any way defending BMOW's actions--she is equally as guilty as my H in all this and I think her new guy makes a point of this, and yes, of course I am considering the source.
What all this boils down to for me is that my H has a much deeper problem than I suspected and it has gone on much longer in our marriage and his life than I suspected, and I believe by the way he continues to treat me that it is still going on to some degree. Knowing this, our reconciliation and healing is dramatically affected.
I will be calling my counselor and my pastor today to make appointments for myself to meet with them next week. What is glaringly apparent to me is that my H is still not being accountable for his past (and now suspected present) actions, nor has he ever admitted to me that he might have a problem and to what extent it went. I think he is in denial and it is way past time to address this. If he can't come clean with me in counseling, and admit to what he has done and may still be doing, this marriage is over for me.
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Quote: What all this boils down to for me is that my H has a much deeper problem than I suspected and it has gone on much longer in our marriage and his life than I suspected, and I believe by the way he continues to treat me that it is still going on to some degree.
If you believe it is still going on - what are you doing to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases? Has he had an AIDS test yet?
Quote: What is glaringly apparent to me is that my H is still not being accountable for his past (and now suspected present) actions, nor has he ever admitted to me that he might have a problem and to what extent it went. I think he is in denial and it is way past time to address this. If he can't come clean with me in counseling, and admit to what he has done and may still be doing, this marriage is over for me.
Can't say I blame you there.
Also - all of BMOWs new guy's stuff about sexual addiction - yes, I do believe there are sexual addicts out there - people with a version of obsessive compulsive disorder. Still, I suspect that most people who hide behind that term are really just looking for another way to escape the consequences of their behavior.
You've been through the wringer, Lost - I know I wouldn't have lasted as long as you have. I think your demand that H come clean and get help or it's a deal-breaker is a pretty healthy boundary to have.
Quote: If you believe it is still going on - what are you doing to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases? Has he had an AIDS test yet?
Abstinence--has been per his choice, but now most definitely mine. He won't have sex with me. Ummm, I'd say that was a red flag, wouldn't you? Guess it's that rubenesque syndrome thingy that I do NOT suffer from. I am stick thin--probably underweight for my H/W proportions (5'9"/130 pounds)--due to the involuntary infidelity diet I was forced to go on some time ago.
No, he has not had any STD tests. New boundary--before/if we have sex again, he will.
Quote: I suspect that most people who hide behind that term (O/C) are really just looking for another way to escape the consequences of their behavior.
Bingo!!
Quote: I think your demand that H come clean and get help or it's a deal-breaker is a pretty healthy boundary to have.
Thanks. The only problem is now the timing of all this. His admission of his sexcapades in counseling will have to go on the back burner for awhile as a) his mom is awaiting a biopsy diagnosis today--is her abdominal mass terminal liver cancer or not, and b) will H's 86 year old grandmother survive the weekend and her scheduled surgery to abdominally place a catheter in her bladder because the one in her urethra ain't working so hot.
It appears that my H's little world is about to be rocked, but not in a good way.
Quote: You've been through the wringer, Lost - I know I wouldn't have lasted as long as you have.
Thanks for the validation, Ellie. Let's hope I can last a bit longer.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Just got the biopsy results and diagnosis of my H's mother's condition. She has cholangiocarcinoma. The blue words denote what is specific in my mother-in-law's case.
Quote: Background: Cholangiocarcinomas (CCC) are malignancies of the biliary duct system, originating in the liver and terminating at the ampulla of Vater. CCCs are encountered in 3 geographic regions: intrahepatic, extrahepatic (ie, perihilar), and distal extrahepatic. Perihilar tumors are the most common, and intrahepatic tumors are the least common. Perihilar tumors, also called Klatskin tumors (after Klatskin's description of them in 1965), occur at the bifurcation of right and left hepatic ducts. Distal extrahepatic tumors are located from the upper border of the pancreas to the ampulla. More than 95% of these tumors are ductal adenocarcinomas; many patients present with unresectable or metastatic disease.
Pathophysiology: Cholangiocarcinoma is a tumor that arises from the intrahepatic or extrahepatic biliary epithelium. More than 90% are adenocarcinomas, and the remainder are squamous cell tumors. The etiology of most bile duct cancers remains undetermined. Long-standing inflammation, as with primary sclerosing cholangitis (PSC) or chronic parasitic infection, has been suggested to play a role by inducing hyperplasia, cellular proliferation, and, ultimately, malignant transformation. Cholangiocarcinomas tend to grow slowly and to infiltrate the walls of the ducts, dissecting along tissue planes. Local extension occurs into the liver, porta hepatis, and regional lymph nodes of the celiac and pancreaticoduodenal chains. Life-threatening infection may occur that requires immediate antibiotic intervention and aggressive biliary drainage.
Surgery will be scheduled soon to remove what can be removed, then a course of chemotherapy will be initiated. Her prognosis is not good. My H is not taking this well at all, as I expected. Now we are waiting on word of his grandmother's survival of her surgery. H's world is slowly collapsing in on him and I fear that I will be sucked down with him. As my H is fond of saying on occasion, "God does not reward certain behaviors."
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Thanks, Ellie, for your sentiments. And you're right, it is not looking good at all for MIL. My H is not taking it very well either.
In other news, I emailed BMOW's fiance this morning with some questions I had and BMOW responded to me directly. Her words are in blue, my few comments are in red:
Quote: Hello LG, I think it would be best if I try and answer your questions so that I can tell you as much as possible accurately. I have to admit that I am torn about all of this simply because even though this is a release for me and knowledge for you, there is so much pain for both of us and I really hate that. I had hoped that through the past months that we had all been able to move beyond all of this and I thought that your H was sincere in his attempts to do right by you and your marriage. It looks as if he is still playing games and believing that he is above any repercussion from his behaviors.
I think I have some insight to a lot of his behaviors etc, he shared a lot with me about your relationship. Of course, now I wonder how much of it was actually true. As I have studied infidelity, I have learned that 90% of what is stated about the problems within a marriage aren't true. I was so blind to so much.
I would listen to him tell me about how he would manipulate you, and for some reason it never occurred to me that he would be doing the same to me. Of course he was. I personally think that he is a master manipulator. I believe that it's 2nd nature, he does it without even realizing or thinking that's what he's doing. Then there are the times that it's very well thought out. That's when it's most dangerous.
I know that he cheated on his first wife, he cheated on you, and I have no doubt that there were things going on with other women even when I was in the picture. I don't have proof, but the pattern is there and there is no reason to believe that it would be otherwise.
He's a very complex person, I really do believe that he really cares about the people that he comes into contact with, he is a generous soul to a fault... but there is an underlying illness there for sure. He told me when he ended things with me that he was going back to his fundamental religious beliefs from his childhood and that he had been sexually molested as a young boy and that these were also the reasons for his incurable depression. That without the religion and without counseling to resolve the issues that he was apparently having with the molestation he was never going to get well.
It wouldn't seem now that he hasn't addressed any of this and that the religious comment was just more talk that had no basis. It was because of these comments that I really believed that he was going to finally be honest with you and with the counselor about his past and I believed that he really wanted to be a better person.
I honestly pray that he's not still seeing other people, after everything that you both have been through, how could he possibly think that he could get away with that?? That just blows me away. He told me that he was going to move heaven and earth to work on things in counseling with you, that this was his main priority in life. That he did NOT want another divorce and that he wanted to continue his life with you.
It's so sad that a year later, it's only now that your getting the truth and that things that I should have seen are being confirmed for me. I feel like a total idiot and hope to never return to a place like that again in my life. It was my lowest point ever.
Anytime there was an opportunity for us to spend together we took it. This is hard to explain, but you have to understand that through our entire relationship I was constantly sent mixed signals by your H. He would declare his undying love for me, but at the same time maintain that he also felt as strongly about you and that his greatest happiness was making you happy.. so in my mind (obviously not healthy at all at the time), I thought that if I could do something that made you happy, that in turn made him happy.
It was a really twisted way to think but he was good at manipulating and I was blind to it and bought into it. He never once said that he would leave you, he always stated clearly that was not his intention. But he also made it clear that he had every intention of making me a permanent part of his life somehow. He was trying to figure out how to do that. At one point he even took a life insurance policy out on himself with me as the beneficiary. That policy got cancelled some months later because of the expense. I guess that was his way of showing some sort of commitment??
OK, the 3 women that he told me about that he met before me on AFF were: D, (this is the one that he met in XXXXX), she spent the night with him at the hotel. L, is the one that he met at the park in XXXXX. They didn't go to a hotel, they actually had sex in your car. He had removed the 3rd seat to make accommodations (LG--Eeeeewwwwww!) LX, is the one that he met at least 3 (that I know of) times at the Motel in XXXXXX.
He supposedly ended things with all of them after we met and started seeing each other. I chatted briefly with L and LX online a few times, but they never gave me any indication that he was still seeing them. I have no clue what their AFF handles were. I do know that he had an account on Yahoo for email and chatting and that's where he chatted with the majority of anyone he met online. There was also an MSN Hotmail account that was used for correspondence and chatting. I used to have the passwords for all of these but they have long since been changed.
Fetishes aren't exactly what I would call it where I was involved... more about fantasies, in particularly multiple women at once. The name of the 3 woman that we met and had "encounters" with were; JX C (we were actually with C in a hotel room the night you called him on the phone and you got into a fight about where he was and what he was doing, this was right before he left for the convention and before you moved out). (LG--This was the experience that prompted me to move out and sadly I still remember it so vividly.) RX
Trust me, I myself would prefer not to go into details here either and I won't for both our sakes.
I had remained in contact with RX, she and I became friends and she was the one that was there for me when everything ended between your H and I. She was the one that actually drove me to return everything to him last April and then drove me home. She has since moved back to Maine. I know that for a while she communicated to your H for me, but she and I have parted ways and I don't know if they still talk. If I needed to though, I could re-engage contact with her to see if she is in fact still talking to him.
As far as fetishes are concerned, I guess you'd say it was for Larger women. He would tell me "skinny women hurt" and that larger woman "feel better", whatever that means. I do know that all of the women prior to me and with me were all larger women. He also enjoyed taking pictures and video taping. There were dozens of pictures on his laptop and there is also a video tape that he had. I had hoped that he had long since deleted everything and destroyed the tape, but at this point from what you've indicated, it may be highly unlikely and it may very well still be there. I used to have the bootup and logon ID for his laptop, but I have no doubt that has changed long since.
If you ever have an opportunity to gain access to the laptop, I am now a certified MSCA and can tell you how to quickly find and extract any information or data that may still be on the laptop. There is also software available that you can remotely deploy to his desktop at work and the laptop to gain access to anything else you need or want. It's not expensive and it's not hard to do at all. I'll help you with this if you think it's necessary to go that far.
I was never involved with prostitutes. There were prostitutes that he went to on a regular basis in years past when he was traveling to OKC and San Antonio. He even indicated to me that he saw the one in OKC on such a regular basis that she no longer charged him for their encounters, he would bring her little gifts. (LG--How nice.) I believe that this was either in the summer of 2001 or 2002, I can't remember exactly, but I'm sure you'll know when he was frequenting those cities and can put 2 and 2 together.
Your H basically nickel and dimed his money away, never used any of it to pay down bills as intended. I had promised early on that I would never nag about his spending habits, but he was never known for his financial self discipline.
The only thing he ever told me about in San Antonio was the prostitutes. He did admit that when he went to a convention in 10/2003 that he and his first wife had an interesting time and he told me that she had "come on" to him and asked him to sleep with her.
He claimed that he did not, but honestly, I never believed him. Something told me in my gut that it was probably the other way around and they more than likely slept together. But I have no proof, just a gut instinct. I do know that his first wife only wrote to him on his work email account and that was the only account that I didn't have access to, that's what made me suspicious. Of course there could have been numerous accounts out there that I didn't know about.
But he seemed to feel that after that convention they had reconciled in a sense, but he also mentioned numerous times that he could never tell you this and would not share this information with you.
LG, I cannot begin to tell you how horrible I have felt over the past year. I can't apologize enough for intruding on your life and betraying a trust that should NEVER be betrayed. I can only say that I myself was so broken and hurt that I was not thinking or acting with a clear mind at all. As I have worked so hard in the past months with my fiance and with my own counselor so much has been clear. I cannot justify the behavior, but I will NEVER repeat it.
There was a time that I was convinced that your H's feelings for me were genuine and I tried to convince myself that I was not being used. As I have reflected over the past, it was glaringly obvious that I just put blinders on and forged ahead oblivious to any repercussions for my own behaviors.
I have now been blessed enough to have gotten out of my VERY unhealthy marriage and into the healthiest relationship I have ever had. My fiance means the world to me and as you can see, there are no secrets between us. He has stood by me through so much and will continue to do so. I am truly happy for the first time in a very long time, but I too still have a lot of work to do in regard to self esteem and self image issues. It seems that self improvement and enlightenment is a never ending process ) I know that you and I probably won't ever really be friends because of the circumstances, but I truly sincerely wish you the peace and happiness that you deserve.
As for your H, it's still taking some time to find forgiveness , but I'm getting there... and I'm sure that eventually I will. First I have to forgive myself. This has opened some thing up for me again that weren't really healed, so I guess it's time to start working on that. When you mentioned that he was still blaming me for everything, that just floored me...
You seem to have such determination when it comes to standing by your H through all of this. If you can stick it out and find your way through it all, I believe that it will be worth the effort. I know for a fact that he loves you very much, that your happiness has always been important to him. He's just sick, he actually admitted to me once that he believed that he was a sex addict.
I am hoping and praying that he truly wants to heal. He has an incredible family and hopefully he will also reach out to everyone that is willing to be there for him. He sees himself as the patriarch of the family and I believe that if he can put his enormous ego aside and let them in, they will all rally around him and be totally supportive.
Wishing you nothing but the best... BMOW
Well, between my H's manipulation of me and my mother's manipulation of me (another story for another BB) I am feeling a bit gang-raped today.
LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
) I know that you and I probably won't ever really be friends because of the circumstances, but I truly sincerely wish you the peace and happiness that you deserve.