Is this really so insurmountable??

[heatherg]

I have been in counseling since right after I told H what I had done. It has been very good for validating my feelings, but H feels like we fight every time I go b/c he says my counselor and anyone else I confide in tells me what I did wasn't so bad. Which isn't necessarily true, no one has told me that. But they have told me that the consequences seem to outweigh the crime a little and that he also needs to step up and take some responsibility for where we are today. And I keep telling everyone that I hope in time, things will repair themselves. They keep telling me that time alone does nothing, it's what you do with that time. And he isn't willing to have any R discussions without being VERY hurtful. And I don't mean just saying mean things-I mean he rolls his eyes at me, walks away from me, laughs at me. And he tells me I don't listen well. But if I took everything he said and took it compeletely to heart, there would be no need for me to hang around b/c he's already told me that he's emotionally shut off and has no real desire to turn it on again. I also don't know if he truly has a drinking problem. If he does, all of the problems in our M could be totally secondary to protecting the thing he has always put ahead of me-his relationship with alcohol. For instance, he has told me I've hated him for years. I have not hated HIM, I have hated his behavior and the fact that he would not stop has made me lose a great deal of respect for him. Once you lost respect for someone, you find yourself able to do or say things that you would not do or say to someone you cared about. So, he says that caused him to shut off emotionally. God forbid he fix the REAL problem!!!
So, I am in counseling. Whether it has done much good, I cannot tell. I am actually in the process of switching counselors b/c I thought I should honor H's opinion that we fight every time I see her. Thought I try with someone else and I haven't had my first appt with her yet. I feel that I have always tried to be a good partner. But I have many negative feelings about H, some that go way back to when we first started dating when I was 17. I will post a little about our history later.