Is this really so insurmountable??

[heatherg]

So far, I've read Divorce Remedy and now I'm reading the Five Love Languages. All of what I've read makes sense, I guess I just feel a little different from most on this site, first of all because I am the one that did the betraying, I am not the betrayed. Secondly, I've come to the realization after reading my words and trying to think things through that although I want my marriage to work, I'm not sure I want to be with H. It's like I WANT to want to be with him, but I'm not sure I do. I need him to want to try too. That would help revive my feelings I think. I read and think, but when it comes down to it, I can't seem to take any real action. Everyone tells me I deserve better than how he's treated me, both before and after my betrayal. But he tells me I'll never be happy, it will always be something, I blame him for everything that's wrong in my life, I am extremely selfish, that I live in some alternate reality and I'm deluded. That's me in a nutshell as far as he's concerned. To me, that sounds nothing like me. I'm sure that comes as a shocker to everyone that I would not see those negative qualities in myself;) I know that, like everyone, I do things occasionally that might be selfish or whatever, but as a whole I feel that I'm very empathetic and giving. But maybe not to him. I don't know how to change that because I guess I can't make myself want it. My head wants it, my heart doesn't I guess. I'm confused. Can you tell?!