Is this really so insurmountable??

[heatherg]

It has been a while since I've posted. It seems so daunting to try to convey everything in words, so I suppose I gave up for a little while. Plus I had the flu for 10 days-ugh! Better now though. It was difficult to be sick b/c I always need TLC when I am sick, and H was giving none. He was great with the kids once he realized how sick I was though. Got them up, dressed and to daycare by himself.
Most big aspects of our M are the same-I'm still in the guest room, he still doesn't wear his ring, he still won't ride in my vehicle and he still won't kiss me.
But as many of you know, when you have kids, it is easier to live without the above things than one might think because there are so many other things to think about and take care of. But when I sit quietly and think about my M, I know these things are not good.
See, you all talk about detaching as though it's a good thing and I think it can be a very good thing because inside, you really do still feel and you're just acting "as if". But I think my husband really did detach, long before I had my....I don't even know what to call it. "Affair" seems to blow it out of the water a bit. Any recommendations??
Anyway, we struggled for so long with the alcohol thing that he said he "shut off, because I hated him for so long". I did not hate him, I hated (and still do hate) his behavior. I really don't think he thinks I'm entitled to hate it as much as I do. That infuriates me. Anyway, we rarely discuss anything outside of our kids. If I do push a conversation about "us", I end up not knowing how much of what he says is said out of hurt/anger/defense and how much of it is true. B/c if I just take what he says at face value, he told me a long time ago that he is not interested in fixing the marriage. He only wants to be a family. See, it seems he has everything just the way he wants it actually. He has his children every day, we go out to dinner, to the toy store, whatever as a family. We have sex (no kissing!). He drinks on his days, has to answer to no one because he owes me nothing.
I think that in all honesty, over the years, I've lost a great deal of respect for H. If I met him today, I wouldn't give him the time of day. But I feel so torn because regardless of how I feel, I just don't see how I can take our family away from our kids and throw them into the world of divorce just to suit my needs. I'm just lonely and feel like I'm living my life alone. I get so frustrated because I am only 30 and I want to feel something again....
Anyway, I am taking another shot at posting. I appreciate all of your thoughts, you all seem to be going through similar things.