Is this really so insurmountable??

[heatherg]

Well, I still think separation is what would be best for our marriage. He needs some serious alone time to think about his own failings instead of focusing on the affair 24/7. Before I went outside of our marriage, when we argued/talked he would always say he didn't have any problems with me. But now, every day is a reminder of what I did because of the consequences he's put into action.
But with that being said, I found when it was time to go, I absolutely could not leave my children half the time, nor could I take them away from their father. I am learning that once I had children, my marriage became about more than just MY happiness. It's not been an easy realization. It's not seemed fair either. For 12 years I have been with him, waiting to be first on his priority list. Now I just have to accept that will not happen. If it hasn't happened by now, it sure won't happen after what I did. I feel like we have a good family life and to leave would be putting my happiness above my childrens'. How do you live with that?!
We have made a lot of progress in the last few days though. Maybe he has learned some things about himself as well but is not ready to admit it. I guess I just don't understand, probably b/c I've never been in his shoes, but with so much at stake, why play games now? If he still loves me, he should tell me. If he doesn't want me to go, he should tell me. If he's sorry about anything he's done, he should tell me. But there is nothing. I could count on one hand the number of times my husband has told me he was sorry about something he said or did to me over the course of our relationship. Apparently he thinks living with someone who drinks like he does is a piece of cake...I mean afterall, it's only a problem b/c I perceive it as one. I'm just one of those selfish people that will never be happy, can't put anyone ahead of myself, ever. That's what he thinks. And I sit here, thinking, for the last 12 years I've been doing my best to deal with habits that go against everything in me, but I'm selfish??
The pornography is the same, he says it's only a problem b/c I perceive it as one. It's a guy thing, all guys do it. That's his point of view.
The thing that finally got me toward the end I think is that he will never acknowledge my feelings. I'm just being selfish. I felt so unnecessary, he was so indifferent toward me, always telling me to just do what I need to do and leave him alone. When I tried to talk to him, our talks are otherwise known as "**itch sessions" in his lingo, he will continue watching tv, walk away, tell me he doesn't want to talk about it. If I ask when would be a better time, he will tell me never. Now I know that an affair is wrong, but I honestly in my heart do not know if I agree that there is never an excuse.....yeah, I definitely could have just left and that would definitely be the high road when it comes to marriage. But what about my kids??? Would leaving be the high road for them??