Is this really so insurmountable??

[heatherg]

About 7 months ago, I confessed to my husband that I had seen another man on about 5 separate occassions. There was no sex, kissing was THE only physical expression. We have been together for a very loyal 12 years-I am 30 and he is 31, so all of our adult lives we have been together. We have two beautiful children and are very devoted parents. After we had our children, H just wasn't interested in doing things with me alone, kids always had to be there, we couldn't leave them because we both work and already spent too much time away from them. But I wasn't even second on the priority list-he also has a very strong relationship with alcohol and he always has. Alchohol has been a HUGE issue for me, although I do not know if he feels he has a problem. The subject is off limits for discussion as far as he is concerned. He has gotten better, he used to drink 6 nights a week, now only drinks 2 nights a week. Always beer, 12-14 of them on his "drinking nights". I have been hateful to him in the past because he refuses to quit, causing him to become somewhat emotionally detached. He was out of town for work for about 7 months, home only on the weekends and he spent that time reconnecting with the children, never with me. In addition, he was viweing internet pornography, which I never actually asked him to stop doing, I only expressed hurt and anger that he would do that and continue to do that even though he knew it hurt me. I am open minded and generally uninhibited-if pornography was a problem for our marriage, why would he push that?? It didn't have to be a problem, it only was b/c he wouldn't honor my feelings on the issue.
When he found out what I did, he threw me out of my house at 7am in the morning and for the next week, kept my kids away from, would not let me feed them, dress them or tuck them in. Finally he accepted that I would not remain out of our home (after a lawyer's advice) and he stopped hassling me to leave. For four months he slept in my son's bed with him, refusing to sleep in our bed, which I was not and still am not allowed in either by the way. At least he now sleeps in there instead of with our son. At one point, we restablished an intimate connection, but he refused to kiss me saying that I gave that away. He says he will never kiss me again. Nor will he ride in my vehicle b/c the OM was in the car. We take separate vehicles everywhere we go, with our son riding with him and our daughter riding with me. He has also removed his wedding ring. I have so much anger inside of me as a result of being treated this way that I have had a very difficult time even being NICE to him much less sorry for what I did to him and our marriage. Now he says he wants to cohabitate in the same home and raise our children. We get along wonderfully as a family and he said he is willing to forfeit his future with a mate. I will not live in a situation where there is no real marriage, but I don't want to break up our family either. Perhaps he is still hurting....but he has been just as hurtful to me, I cannot understand how he can feel so justified. Please help!!!