My XW and I have been divorced now for 2 months. She left in August and as far as I can tell, never really looked back. She left apparently primarily because her 20 year old daughter and I didn't get along and I was supposed to unconditionally accept a stepdaughter who treated my sons poorly and was openly disrespectful to me. I have yet to get a clear and definitive answer as to why my XW left. She moved out knowing the I would do whatever necessary to repair our R and M. I DBed all the way through December when our D was finalized to no avail. Anyhow, I don't know of any OM involved even now. My XW at least gives lip service to caring about my younger sons ages 13 and 11, however, she is presently running hot and cold with regard to speaking with them and showing them she really cares when she sees them at church. I think she is having some identity crisis/MLC with her two oldest kids growing up and leaving home. Her oldest son is 22 and lives 1200 miles away, her 20 year old is half way around the world on study abroad in college and won't return until June. She also has a 15 year old son whom I got along well with even though his mother thought the relationship wasn't exactly like she wanted between us. My XW is pretty controlling and likes to have her way. In large part, it appears that having her way with her kids is why she left even though there was not any open conflict between me and her kids except one or two events early in our 3 year marriage. I am just letting things cool down right now with LRT and staying dark, but how/when do I make an entry into trying to re-establish with her? She still is emotionally attached to me at least partly because she still wears a diamond pendant, a gold necklace and a gold and diamond anklet that I gave her as special occasion gifts such as wedding gift, Christmas and our wedding anniversary.
If that was me I'd wait for her to contact me, since she initiated the D, but I can't really tell you what to do. Definitely wait a bit longer though, as 2 months is much time to realise what she's missing.
(I waited a year for mine and we are now back in a tentative R after D).
Maybe, if you think she's missing the boys (could be that she doesn't like to ask because they're not biologically hers?), maybe you could send her a card, saying if you would like to come and visit the boys, they'd love to see you.
Then that leaves a door open for her without getting too heavy about the R. If she responds, it also gives you the opportunity to suss her out more and see where she's at, atm.
This is about the 4th time I read your posts and still don't know what to say. I don't know if I would say there is an emotional attachement because of the jewelry. You could be chasing rainbows on that one. I have been divorced for almost 4 years and I see my ex still imitating me, so don't look for things like that. It will drive you nuts.
As for time, who knows. And since you go to church, I might talk to my pastor and see if a strategy arises.
IMP, you may be exactly right about over interpreting the jewelry, but I have information from a letter she wrote me some 5 weeks ago where she went into our R and M and plainly stated she "misses most and remembers best the good things and times between us rather than dwelling on the reason we are apart." She further went on to say that thinking of why we are apart only "frustrates and makes me angry" and that is not productive for her. So, now can you see why I think there is substantial emotional connection? I don't know what all is going through her mind and can only dangerously speculate about that since she has yet to tell me what "the reason" really is...if she knows herself. I know she likes control and undoubtedly felt our M and R was getting out of control and she couldn't control that or her R with her two older kids. Another sitch she would have liked to control, but we all have admitted to not having any control over was the attitude and litigious nature of the mother of my sons.
I agree that I need to wait and perhaps another letter will be forthcoming...I didn't expect the one I got, but it was part of a reply to my request to her to be more warm and friendly with my sons when she saw them at church. I was totally surprised to get anything at all from her, much less a letter going into our R. Thanks for your input. Please continue to comment. Most people see our divorce as something a bit strange as we put more into pre-marital counseling and investigation of blending families than anyone around here has heard of including our own MC.
Well, I have not laid eyes upon my XW in nearly 6 weeks now. In mid-December, I wrote her a very short letter asking her to consider the lesson we were teaching our kids with this divorce. I also enclosed the first tape from Michelle's KLA set and said she may want to listen to it, but to please return it at her convenience. I also enclosed a self-addressed, postage-paid protective mailer for her to return it in. I received the tape back on March 18. No note, no cardboard protection that I had sent with it, not even a return address on the envelope. I guess I have gotten an answer...it is NOTHING, it is over and done with. I would have thought she would have at least put in a postit note saying "thanks" as that is her usual MO...but nothing at all??? I have no idea if she even listened to it, but if I had to guess, I would guess she did and it made her angry all over again. How she deals with this second divorce for both of us is not really my concern I guess at this point, but I am seeing less and less hope. There is no real hope to be had as long as she continues in her denial state. She apparently can't bring herself to engage my sons in a conversation even though she said she would. I guess the guilt is still so strong for her as well it should be. However, it would be best for all concerned if she would just get past it and be nice to the boys. They deserve that from her and she should feel obligated to at least be more than basically civil to them. The divorce had nothing to do with them...it was apparently due to me not being the kind of step-father to her younger son and 20 year old daughter who wanted nothing to do with me, my sons or developing a blended family...the girl wanted no part of it and took nearly every opportunity over a 3 year period to make that point obvious.
JohnDad, Just got thru reading your last post, and I'm glad you vent here. I know how frustrating it is. My XW is serious about someone else. I feel your frustration. God only knows what goes on in their mind. As far as seeing her, I think that seeing them actually makes it harder for me. I see her a couple times a week. Every time I see her I get all screwed up. I know one thing, she knows how I feel. The ball is in her court, so I stay away, dont call, so on and so-forth. Try to focus your energy into your boys, and GAL. I know thats what everyone says, but what else can you do? The ball is in her court, I believe we should leave the contact up to them. Hope??????
hope, thanks for dropping by. I am sorry that your sitch has taken a turn for the worse. Be good to yourself, be strong. Thanks for the advice, it is solid and you are right, that is what everyone says to do and there is really nothing else I can do other than turn it all over to God. I have done all I can. Interesting that Monday, I received a large envelope of papers from XW. They were all legal documents from the custody trial 1 1/2 years ago...she was supposed to return them to the agency that supplied them, but she just stuffed them in her desk and found them again last week when she was cleaning out her desk. She put a postit note on the papers and said it was my decision to shred them or not...she apparently has forgotten from whence they came and are the "originals." I will copy them and call the agency administrator as ask her if she wants them back...as well as explain why and how I got them.
I am having less and less feelings of anger toward XW as I continue to detach. I have really come to the conclusion that for her to become a WAW and just leave me and her stepsons without a real explanation or any efforts in counseling...well, it just shows a tremendous amount of selfishness and a true lack of personal character and lack of true commitment to US on her behalf. That being my conclusion, I just have to let go of her altogether.
When we GAL, concentrate on our kids, stop actively trying to win her back (dbing) are we effectively letting go of them? I believe it will take me years to really get over her, but I kinda feel like I've let go. I just dont know. Some say that in order for reconciliation to work you have to let go. Letting go of the thought of getting back together with her. Accept the fact that she is with someone else, and that is life. I'm so sick of this rollercoaster. I have to focus on the reality of the situation, she left me, she divorced me, she is the one who wants nothing to do with me. I changed some things which I knew were wrong, with the hope that she would see my changes and reconsider. She has not reconsidered. What else can I do? I dont want to waste my life, I love her, but I dont want to waste the rest of my life hoping and praying she'll come back, when she never even turns around. I feel like I need to do something, but all I really need to do is start living life again. I know this is deep, but just writing down my thoughts. So I continue to GAL, be here for my boys, maintain my behavioral changes. Basically all I have done is focus on myself and my boys, she gets little attention and thats what she wants. So I have let go, I have moved on, a little. I think you have too.
hope, my C said that the DBing is really all about ourselves, not just about the maimed R or M or even about our partner. It took me a while to realize this and then assimilate it into my thinking. The introspection, changes within ourselves, taking care of the kids, and GAL are all about us the person and who we would like to be. Yes, we have moved forward and in some cases, maybe moved on with our lives. During my first D, I had a male friend I spoke to for long lengths of time late at night because we both were insomniacs. I got over that, but he told me over and over how he got past a lost love. He asked himself and in turn asked me for nearly 6 weeks, "why would you want someone who doesn't want you?" I think it is time for you to start asking yourself that hope. The answer lies within you. Be bold and take the next step if you think it is time. If God wants my xw and I to rebuild our R, He will make it happen. That does not mean any of us needs to sit around and pine away for the lost love. GAL and be ready for IF and WHEN it happens. I know may xw made her decision out of anger...some of it from me and a lot of it from her first D. My hope is based in the thought that maybe before it is totally too late, she may realize this and want back the great things she walked away from. You see, I never got the "I don't love you any more" jazz. In fact, I know she still loves me because she told me so the last we talked. So that is what gets me "stuck" but on the other hand, I will not wait around for her to grow up indefinitely...at least I don't think so.
