Its been a while without posting here... maybe bc lost of hopes... maybe bc impotence... maybe maybe... but yes... let post again bc you are so great you have the right to know how i am and you had done a lot for me and still can do a lot... at least that is what i think
Since that last talk, hm saying not wanting a divorce, many things had ocurred... at first he chamged a little, trying to be more affective, but not intimate or passionate... but at the same time thinking only in himself, in what he wants to do, if he wants to fly with his partner, he goes... no matter what andrea and children wants to do on saturday... if he wants to stay out with friends drinking something, he goes... no matter if andrea is alone and wanting to go out too and with him..! Mostly thas happens, the drinking nights, on wednesday (when he gets early, at 10:00pm) or thursday.
But last thursday i had a baby shower of a cousin... and was his sister birthday... so, when i told him to left children to his mom home so i can meet them there after my baby shower he said: Ok, but i will go after that to a meeting (a birthday) and then i am going to drink something with XXX (a divorce friend)... as he didnt invie me i said: Are you going to get late?... so, i will do some plans... Well, i dont know, not too late, but... And i said... i only wants to do something with you... and he said... yes, but i had this plans already... (lets say it was in a considerate mode). So, he left children on his mother home, i went to baby shower... and drinks not get well on me (i know i cant drink when my enstruation is near and my mood is totally down). I had no problem looking for kids on my MIL home... i stay there for a while, but after getting home i served myself another scotch Of course i got drunk and my children received a lot of my nasty behavior My oldest D sent dad a cell message saying: i am nervous,.. mom is drunk...!!... I got slept, and the morning after my h left children to school and i stat sleeping.
That night he didnt say a word, he went to a friend house and when he arrives he said me: Yesterday was awfull, you drank a lot and tour D was nervous... and sent me a message... i said... yes, i cant drink when i feel lonely and sad and i will talk to my D bc althpugh i drank a lot, there wasnt nothing to worry and to send you a message...
On saturday he went flying with his partner... when he arrived i was slept in my baby girl bed..
Sunday was mom day so we celebrate it with my familly... when we arrived, my D saw me crying in my closet and asked me... why are you crying? and i said, nothing, is nothing... so she got mad saying i never explain her... and went out lying on the sofa...
I followed her, and began to speak with her telling her i was feeling so lonely and sad bc dad and mom has problems... and bc of that the other night i got drunk bc scoth didnt fit me well being in that mood... She reacts against his father and went to our room tellling him... I hate you bc making feel mom so sad... and return to me... i told her not to hate dad... that dad loves her too much and that this wer our problems and both will loves her always, being together ot not... she said we used to fight a lot and that she prefered we separate... i told her thats not true and that only us can know what can be the best for both... that whatever decission we take we will alwyays be there for her, loving her... and ask her to go daddy room and forgive and say him she loves her too much... So, she did that and they stayed a while talking.
The next morning, i ask my h to talk... and began saying "I think we need to separate. i am feeling terrible and children too"... so he said... i dont want to separate, i am only mad bc you drink too much last day... yes... i drank but i got nuts bc my depression, my sadness and bc i feel so lonely... Ok, so you can justify always your bad actions... he said.... No, i am not saying it is good to get drunk, i am only exaplianing why the scotch makes me nuts and why i cant drink feeeling this way...!.
After that he began talking and talking, again about him wanting to be with his FAMILLY (he never says with me) for ehr est of his life, but that i left always desodorant open, i drink always a lot (so, how much i asked... maybe this episode had occurred two time since january, and since this turmoil began).. he said that wasnt all the cause he doesnt feel well with M, but that counts... I told him always will be something bad on me for not loving me... what can counts a desodorant (that my D left open not me), a pounds more or less, (i am thinner, but he dreams me skeletic)... he repeat the same and the same... that he didnt wants to divorce... that maybe we will divorce, but that he doesnt wants to take that decission right now, that he wants to think, to left time pass and see... So, he left home, say by with a kiss... and nothing more... That day he arrived so early looking for girl chldren and do the market... the next day he again arrived early...
That was on tuesday... i think bc menstruation, i feel terrible depressed... at 12:00pm i told him (he was slept) i cant sleep... and began crying and saying again i am feeling so lonely and sad... and that i dont know if separate will be the best for us... he only hear (i know he was hearing) i cry, and cry... finally i got slept...
On wednesday morning he wake me up a little affective bc children neds to go to school... i got up, dressed, and he called me... hey, come here... and hug me making me affections and me crying again... We went together to my S soccer play, and on the road he received a phone call fron one of his friends he use to get out... he tol him "Lets see at what time i get out of the play and maybe we can drink something (i dont know if that maybe was with or without me but at least he told me was XXX and that depending on time he calld him to drink something (maybe both, he and me... maybe he was hinking on him alone)...
Bc soccer game last a lot, we arrived home late, and he called friends to say he will stay at home... Again, last night i cant sleep... was 1:00AM and i cant close my eyes, thinking and thinking, so i asked him to give me some of his pills bc i cant sleep... he gaved it to me... This morning, when he waked me up, i asked him to left children to school bc i didnt sleep (the pill didnt make too much effect).. he answered he cant bc he has too much work and need to get early to the park for running... so i waked up, left children, went to my gym... and when i was arriving, he was lefting to his office and asked me... Hey...Why cant you sleeep?... and i answered... "Bc i dont feel well"... and the pill, didnt serve?... No, it didnt...!!... by, by...
So, thats my situation right now... i now period makes me feel more terrible than i feel, but at the same time i know hormones only are arousing sadness and depressions i retain inside of myself... i dont know what to do... i want myM, but not this one... he wants time... and time... and time... only thinking in himself... in what he likes to do, to say, to express....
The good point of all this days is that i began my GYM again and i feel so happy bc that... I am also working on my projects... and gpoing to my novel literature class... Tonight i have two invitations from women friends to get out and i will go.... so... lets hope i will feel better tomorrow...
I will appreciate your comments... i dont know what to do... i dont know if i am pressure him, but... What about me?... who cares about my sadness and loneliness...?... he always say his ideal is to be with his familly for ever... but We dont need to work just to get that ideal?, how is he thinking to get that ideal?... i also thpought to asked him going to a therapist together as an ultimatum, or got separate... i dont know
I will stay around
Andrea