It took me a while to visit because I don't post as often as I used to, but I wanted to offer you a big embrace and send my support.
I can't add to the good advice from Ellie and everybody. You're right on target -- getting down clear goals -- and being self-accepting and kind no matter what. "Act as if" this will pass. "Act as if" it's his problem. "Act as if" he will find his way out of the tunnel. "Act as if" you have all the time in the world.
I think your H could use a dose of "what would happen if Andrea disappeared" so I invite you on a California spa trip. Come visit and we'll go to the wine country, honey. Pack a lot of sexy little nothings and say nothing about who you're going with...
Also, be sure to do enjoyable (ahem) things just for you, no matter what the H does in bed, know what I mean? It's hard to be happy while frustrated.
Or can you hire a handsome young houseboy?
Only kidding. About the houseboy.
Andrea you are a gem! Keep focusing on your own magic. It's contagious! You are very inspiring.
You are in my thoughts, and I will be following your story with love and hope,
Dear Bridget... how nice to know about you again... i read your post on hopefulness and you feel so happy and secure about yourself... you are an inspiration for me.... About your comments...
Quote: "Act as if" this will pass. "Act as if" it's his problem. "Act as if" he will find his way out of the tunnel. "Act as if" you have all the time in the world
The last one is the most difficult... i dont have all time of the world and i feel time is passing and i am not feeing loved and dappy... i think he´s feeling the same...
Quote: I think your H could use a dose of "what would happen if Andrea disappeared" so I invite you on a California spa trip. Come visit and we'll go to the wine country, honey. Pack a lot of sexy little nothings and say nothing about who you're going with...
What a briliant and spectacular idea, maybe, when my prjects get flow i will have money for that and many dreams, travel dreams i have for my own...
Yesterday we had another R talk, and he repeat the same... "i am not feeling happy"... so, i asked him... żWhat you will do about that, bc it has no sense just continuining getting out with couples, with friends, as evrything is OK and the real is that you are not, and by consecuence i am not fine...!... so he answered "yes, it has no sense at all... we need to separate but i dont know how"... what do you mean you dont know how?!!... "Well, making it right...!... a separation is a separation, a divorce is a divorce... and kids wil be fine, me too, continuining a life... you are the one confuse... you are the one who doesnt wants this marriage... you are the one who has to take decissions...!!... i said... When we get home i couldnt sleep besides him, knowing he doesnt love me... knwing he doesnt wants me... so i again, slept at the living room and wake up before kids do it so they wont find me sleeping there He waked up early, just to do exercise (is the only thing he feels happy doing... and he diesnt return yet... I asked him on conversation if he had found the one who excite him and makes him feel happy... he said "no, but i want to find it"...!!... i again, said i can beleive there is no one else, bc he has 4 months in a row without any sexual or intimate relation with me... at least this is nt possible in a normal person, is possibe is a depressive man...!!... he didnt say anything... I am thinking a lot about this... what if he has OW...?... when he saw her...?... bc he use to be with us all time...!!... Also i cant understand, and i told him, his changing acttitude... last weekend he was more affective, also one morning he hug me in a more erotic way... and now, again, he is so distant, icy...!!... it is like when he returns to his cotidianity, normal days of week, he inmerse again in his other world, the world where andrea doesnt fit or he doesnt want me to be with him...! On thursday i know he went out with a friend who separate 6 months ago and is tramiting his divorce, and now is in love with other girl... that kind of companion arent good, uh?...! Well, thats all till now... please, i need a lot of support... stay around Andrea
Yesterday afternoon i passed by mom´s home bc she asked me just to talk about a business project she has...!.. Being there, where i can feel so loved, care and secure, i decide to talk sincerly with mom and my bigger sister... I told them about H again confution, that he say he doesnt feels happy, that he doesnt knows what he wants, that he is asisting therapy with a psiquiatric, and that he is trying to makes me feel so ugly and fatty, even i am not...!!... That i will not make any decission, that i want him to be the one who take decission... that we continue going our with friends, all so strange, as nothing is happening between us for them but when we get home, he is there i am here, he is nos happy and deffinetely is not making me happy either...!! My sister first reaction was: You know... Send him to hell...!!... My mother first reaction was: think a lot, dont precipitate, and be patient... i think maybe there is a woman around... but dont ever think to find it bc it will not resolve or change anything. I feel better now with my familly, always great support for me, knowing what i am living right now...! My sister advice me next time h ask me to get out with other couples, just to say, so calm and nice "hey... go alone and enjoy it... it is not makes sense being together if you dont feel happy with me, you know...?... i will do anything, but enjoy... go out with your friends...!! In case he react mad bc my comment or say something like "What hell are we going to do, so??!... i will answer... i dont know, you are the one who knows... you are the one who doesnt feel happy with me any more...!!... I will think in that advice... my h is that kind of man who cares a lot about appearence... so... it seems i am helping him to sustain limboland... to sustain his double play... to maintain his double wishes... the perfect familly Vs the handsome boy dreaming with a pasional new love... Stay around... Andrea
PD: By the way, he is acting as always... not close but not hurting... always saying hello or giving me a "brother" kiss to say good by at morning... no hug, no closer, no afection at all at mornings... He got home so early yesterday, earlier than me, he is working... and not being mad when i ask for money... always giving me plenty of it withput claiming...!!.. Thats are positive steps but also can be a nice way to mantain me calm and maintaining his fantasy of the perfect familly evn he is not in love or he thinks is not!!
Thanks for the advice on my thread, Andrea. I will try and be patient and see where things go. Although, he wants to move to another city, so I may not have a lot of time to think.
I have been following your sitch too, and understand how you must be feeling. I think your sister is right - don't enable his fantasy. Also, don't expect him to make you happy - do things for yourself. In other words, get a life of your own. Find other interests, hang out with your friends, and try and always act happy around him, no matter how miserable he is being.
Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Ok... its over... finally yesterday he said he wants us to separate... When he get home i was playing piano while drinking an scoth... he served himself another and seated in the sofa.. when i finished playing piano, i seated besides and talked about anything... my literature class, children, etc... so in a moment he said - So, andrea, what we will do?.... (obviously refering to the M)... and i answered him... you know what i want to do, the one who doesnt know or feel confused is you, so... i think you want to be happy, me too... you has the right to feel happy, me too... i want to be happy in my M, but i cant do it alone... So, if you want to work on M we both can be happy... Love is not something that appear and disappear as a on and of switch... love is a feeling that needs to be cultivate, feed so it can sparkle and bright again... You know who i am... the same women who always loves you, who works a lot, who changes, forgive, accept, some times thiner than other, but always georgeos and nice going and presentate... Dont ask me again what we will do, bc i know what i wish to do... you need to answer youself what do you want to do... So, he said... Ok... lets separate... I said: ok... if that is what you want... i will talk to children, you can talk also with them and look for a place to go...!! He said: No... it will take time and i wish we could get an agreement without spending so much in lawyers... so, lets wait till that to move on... I said... Ok, lets began... what kind of agreement..?... Are you dispose or open to accept the lend, loan, i made you to buy the clinic action?... (My father bought me an apartment when i got married... bc a sister divorce, my father was always care about us, conserving the owner of properties in case of divorces, etc... So, when i decide to sell my apartment (in which we were living) to buy clinic action and live by rent, i asked him to sign a paper in which he accepted it was a loan i was making that in case of divorce he has to return)...
He answered: a clinic action that both bought, a loan that you made to the marriage comunity... Me: so, you are accepting yu swindle me when you signed that paper, you signed knowing that in the future you will not fulfill the compromise...?.... So, what kind of agreement can we do if all is as always, as the last separations??..... HE: Ok... do yur accounts, and lets seat to analyze it and see how we can handle all... Me: Ok... So, i only expect you really find happiness outside, bc all the sadness you are causing us needs to have a reason... a good reason, a valid reason... He denied and denied there is other person, although he said and said he wants to find other person and feel happy So, that is my sitch right now... wish me luck with my kids, happiness in my future, and calm and peace in the days for coming...!! Andrea
Andrea, I am sorry. I know how this feels. I think, though, that you should consult with a lawyer and find out what your rights are - don't just do what your H wants. Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Andrea - in your country, is it to your advantage in a divorce if you can prove H is having an affair? If so, I wouldn't just take his word for it that he's not having one - I would do some investigating and try to get some proof.
Not saying he is - but, many of the signs are there.
Also - while he is still in the house - I want you to start, right now, going out and having fun in the evenings. When he came back before, it was because he was afraid you might find another man, right? So instead of moping at home, let him think you are out dancing and partying and having a good time with attractive other men (don't actually date, but let him wonder what you are doing).
I think your H is just depressed and desperate for something to change in his life - but sometimes, kicking in his need to "win you back" before some other lucky man gets you is just what it takes to wake him up.
For both, so thanks for your words and support... yes, think alo my husband is deeply depresed or at least living a big big crisis in his life... reminds my h use to be, the greates part of his life, 38 years or more, as a big big fat man and now he feels so hansome atractive, he discover his XXXXX!!!... Today had happened many strange things.. First, not as strange as the second, i was on internet and catch a big big friend of my h on messanger.. so, i decide to write him... "hey, can you do me a favor?!!... hey, he answered, just tell me what i can do for you... I know you appreciate me and my kids... also i know you are so close of my H... i ask you please to help him a lot whle he tries to find his happiness, mostly recomending him always touching ground and using his brain...!!.. I had never talked to you abut us before, so excuse i take this freedom of talking and thanks for listening... So, he answered " i know what you are talking about and i had been helping XXX from some months... this is anther crisis of your h, as the other ones he had suffered... i feel him this time more concious and focus to do things write... he needs a lot of love of his familly and you to take well of this... So, i answered... "i had givn him support and i had implant all the patience in the world... but he wants to separate... and i cant make any decission by him... and please, this conversation reserve it for both, you and me... i only wish he really can find that happiness outside home and all the hurt he will cause to the kids or me at least have a good reason... i love you, and thanks again.. He answred "I love you too". So, his friends also identify his crisis...!!... thats great, i am not mad... i am not inventing the whole thing..
Lets pass to the second strange or unexpecteed moment... bc passport tramits, me and my h needs to go, together, to renovate it... So, i look for him at his clinic... We began going on the road, he was asking me the documents we need. and i said "Please, get only 2 fotocopies of my I.D". Why you made more?... bc your secretary asked me for ones... but right now she wont need it, so i will maintain them at home...!!... So, he began saying... -I dont know... i am so confused... this morning i called XXX to rent his apartment (the ame friend who rent him last separation)... so, i have where to move... but i am feeling so sad... yesterday night was awfull... i am not sure if separation is the best... you said i will stole you money... i want my familly... i want to feel good with you... you force me... you push me... i want more time... i know i am in crisis, i am not the same man... you are not perfect... M is not good bc both... i feel boring with my M...!!... and the same as always...
- I said him i didnt mention the separation word and that was him who do this... that i began saying, when he asked what we will do, that i want my marriage, that i want my familly... i have all morning crying bc the children, bc the end of a beautifull project... you cant said i was the one who said i want a separation or a D... you said it... i have 4 months in a row hearing you say i am obese, ugly, unatractive, and also with that i calmly didnt made any decission... i am mad... yes... but mad with life bc all this things life push me to experience... Why us?!!... yes, i had desperate, i maybe forced you or pressure you, but bc the fear, i am so scare this will end in a year, in a month, in the same, D... bc your therapist as you said me affirm why if all M can separate in a peace way, we cant made it...!!... bc your therapist is Pro D... bc you hadnt improve nothing with that, and it is like you have a title in your face with the word D...!... i cant change your T... i cant talk to him... that was your election, but i can see what he thinks and how he is helping you...!!...
So, in resume, this were some of the words we interchange... after doing tramits, i left him at clinic and he said... by, we will be talking...
He had callled 2 minutes ago saying hello so nice, asking about anabella, my baby girl and if i had bought the pool she wants... i said yes, that she was down at park... he said, ok, i will go after phisiotherapist... Ok.. (he has a hut in his leg bc running)... Stay around, PLEEEEEAAASSEEEE... Andrea
I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I know it all too well, and I deeply feel for you.
Our H's -- they want to stay, they want to go, they want to stay, etc, etc, etc....
I know how difficult and how emotionally draining this is. I really enjoy riding rollercoasters, but this is one I could definitely skip!
Again, I'm sorry. I don't have a whole lot of advice to give, but I do agree with Ellie. Your H is still there. Use this time for YOU. Do things for Andrea that will show her radiance. When you shine, your H will notice. If you're in a sunny mood and NOT thinking about the R, your H will do the same. He will react to YOUR actions and YOUR reactions. Be as positive as you can not just for H. Do it for YOU.
And STOP the R talks! Don't start them at all. If H initiates an R talk, just listen and validate. Don't say "I'm not the one who needs to decide" and bring up the fact that he is the confused one. He knows it already. I'm going to tell you what a wonderfully wise member told me here: STOP talking about how the M can work and just DO it! Do it and show it in your actions, Andrea. I know you can!
Thinking of you....
JV
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hi... here i am... alone... on fridays night (in my country every couple use to get out n friday night) ... he just called me and said he was drinking some with friends... So... i try today to contact my h nurse (who wants to speak with me) but the intention was failled but not discontinue... it can be any day i can... I am trying to buy, sincerly, an spy program to spy my h PC... what you will recommend me...?
I talked to my therapist and he advice me to conitnue with the same... the lovely and calm wife who wants her marriage.... he thinks he will "someday" doesnt support my normal acting, my love details, and will try again to define his situation...
So... please, if you has information about this Spy programs, i will appreciate... bc i thinks he has in mind D... and i will get good points for me spying me in a slipping process... thabks Andrea
