Ellie: i am really not conviced about my h suffering from Depression...Yes, he has a great existencial crisis but a depresive man will take antidepressive pill and his Therapist didnt prescib that...!... he is so happy doing his running training, he seems to be so happy with himself, the kids... so... its only about me as he said last conversation... You are so right about me preparing finantial issues... i dont know if i will get a job sooner, bc in my country is difficult to get ones right now... i am working in some freelance proyects and hopes it can be aprove...!! I know that if i D right now, will beguin a battle and until that battle isnt decide i will be on bankrupt... i know how he will behave... giving me less than th exact ammount my childs need making sure there is nothing more for me... By th othr hand i know also he doesnt want to recognize a doubt he has with me... bc i sold my apartment to buy his clinic action and we signed a legal paper to secure myself about conserving the only property my father gave me if anything change between us... So, he right now, and in the past separation, had said that was a gift for th comunity and that he soesnt owned me nothing...!! also we are paying our apartment, we give 50% of the total ammount, and we are paying the rest to a bank who gave the credit.. I say "we" bc the only money i gt mensual bc liquidation paying agreemnt from my last job i pay all children school... so, i also contribute a little to home finances, plus caring my children that counts a lot...!! The other possible splitt part is the action of the clinic... and his equipment and all the value in his office...!!... and he has a better car than me that value more... So... i know it wont be easy and bc of that i am trying to breath and breath and breath and try to follow on...!!.. But you know, it is not easy to feel rejected, hated... not loved...!!... it is so sad to sleep besides a man who doesnt feel anything for you...! I need to tell you he is trying to makes thing flow normal... i explain... yeserday, at morning, after he rejecting again my hugs when we awake, i exploded and said him: i think we better divorce bc i am suffering too much... then i sent him message phone saying " i love you "... he asnwered, thanks... then i replied "you welcome, but i tell you this just for you to understand what i said this morning... maybe i will take some deccisions that will hurt me and will hurt other ones, but is precisallly bc i am the only one who is loving noW"... We didnt talk all day, so, i was taking bath with my little baby bc i had a familiar reunion on my mother home... He called to my cell phone, and asked my D to ask me at what time we (children and me) will be going to my mothers home"... He got home, and went with us so normnal, talking about everything, trying to be ina great mood... i dont understand... he told me he doesnt want to kill any hopes but at the same time he doesnt want to create any expectations about us... So... doing the normal, socials way out with family, friends, isnt a way to create expectations or to continue a false picture about us.?... and i had noted that ecah time i talked about D in a serious way, he changes inmediatly his behavior... I dont know if i want to continue that false getting out, as a normal couple.... next thursday we have 2 invitations with other good friends couple and i dont know if it can be the best to ask him not going together... Please stay around Andrea By the way, the made who works here at home, coincidentially, needs to go to his town bc her parents are getting divoce... she was so sad...
Quote: i am really not conviced about my h suffering from Depression...Yes, he has a great existencial crisis but a depresive man will take antidepressive pill and his Therapist didnt prescib that...!...
Oh, Andrea, I can diagnose his depression from here, and I'm in another country!!!!!! Lots of therapists can miss clinical depression, especially if they are all caught up in psychoanalytic thinking, looking for an "explanation" for the feelings - truthfully, sometimes the "feelings" are just caused by a lack of neurotransmitters in the brain!
Quote: yeserday, at morning, after he rejecting again my hugs when we awake, i exploded and said him: i think we better divorce bc i am suffering too much... then i sent him message phone saying " i love you "... he asnwered, thanks... then i replied "you welcome, but i tell you this just for you to understand what i said this morning... maybe i will take some deccisions that will hurt me and will hurt other ones, but is precisallly bc i am the only one who is loving noW"...
Andrea, I know it is hard, but please stop all the pushing and threatening divorce. You can't threaten someone into loving you again - and every time you say divorce, he is thinking you will never forgive him and things will never get better.
Quote: so... its only about me as he said last conversation
Just because an alien says it doesn't make it so! He only THINKS you are the source of his problem - you are not. BUT - that doesn't mean you shouldn't be working on the things he does have complaints about. We all can stand a little improvement. So why not work on losing the weight, being more adventurous and fun and athletic, being cheerful and Acting As If even when H is depressed (you know, some of those times that you dfeel rejected by him may not have anything to do with you. He may feel so depressed that he doesn't want to be touched, or so guilty that he feels like he doesn't deserve your love.)
Find a way to make your life as happy as you can without depending on your H for that happiness. He will be drawn to the bright light of your happiness. The darkness of your fear and despair will drive him away. Vent that here instead!
Thanks ellie for your words... i will try so hard to act "as If" but you didnt asnwered me... ¿Why each tme i talked to him seriously abpou D he changed his behavior and became more friendly or caring?!!!... maybe he is only afraid about finantial issue...!!... or maybe he is not so convince abput what he rally wants... !... and in the middle, it is me...!!... 3 years acting as IF... trying to share with him running training, climbing muntain and receiving a NO from him... so, i do it alone and he does it alone... i am wearing the same pants since 3 years ago, when he said i am thiner... i repeat, i am not obese... i am not so fat... and deffinattely i value much more than 5 or 6 kg less...!!... dont you think so??
Quote: ¿Why each tme i talked to him seriously abpou D he changed his behavior and became more friendly or caring?!!!...
Quote: or maybe he is not so convince abput what he rally wants... !
I think this is your answer.
Quote: trying to share with him running training, climbing muntain and receiving a NO from him... so, i do it alone and he does it alone
Have you asked him lately? My H just has trouble adjusting his pace to mine when we walk together. Is there some other physical activity you could share?
Quote: i repeat, i am not obese... i am not so fat... and deffinattely i value much more than 5 or 6 kg less...!!... dont you think so??
Of course I think so - but that doesn't mean that a depressed man in MLC can't focus on it
Have you ever tried lifting weights? That can make you more toned and look better even if your weight doesn't change.
I know how unhappy you are, I can feel it in all of your posts.
I have been thinking about your situation all morning, and felt it necessary to remind you of a few things.
1. Your H is deep deep deep in the midst of an MLC. In order to avoid taking responsibility for his own unhappiness, he is blaming it on you. Don't take this personally, it is NOT about you.
2. Since he is blaming you it SEEMS logical to think that if you were to change things about yourself it would make him love you, make him desire you, etc. BUT since the problems lies within HIM, changing things about yourself will not have the desired effect.
3. You can lose weight, change your hair or dress more sexy, but only do these things if they make YOU happy. As soon as you change one thing about yourself your H will find something else "wrong" about you. I guarantee it.
4. Some may disagree, but I also think that by making changes to win our H back, it looks like we are admitting responsibility for the problems. It is like saying, yes you are right, I was too fat, too ugy too whatever, when in reality the marriage problems were contributed to by two people, not just one.
My advice is to make Getting A Life about you and not about trying to win him back or make him love you because it won't work.
At almost two years post bomb, I am thinner, sexier, and more self confident than ever, but my H is no where close to coming home.
It took me a long time to realize that changing me wouldn't bring him home. His coming home and back to his senses is his own issue.
Your H is on his own journey through the tunnel and it is something he has to figure out for himself.
Hang in there Andrea.
If you have not already read the thread of Hearts Blessing regarding MLC I would highly recommend it.
Thnks Pam... I had almost 2 days without stoping here.. so i didnt read your post... and yes, you are so right.. i was trying to left cigarretes away, bc my child, my S wish and my own health, but i realize this is not the time i can left it, so... although i know my h use to blame about my cigarrete (also he is using tabaco) i now smoke when i need it, even in his presence... bc i know thats is not the cause he is not with me... i can be thiner, yes... will be happy to be... but thats isnt the cause he is confuse also...!.. so... i am doing my life... my neeeds... and i am caring about myself as much as my anxious feeling and sadnes permit me.. Yesterdy i went to a great party and i saw a lot of people from my last world, media world, and it seems i find work... my h is so sttrange... yesterday night he came home and told me he was drinking something with a good good friend from both... so i said... yes, a drink, it seems i needsome drink before going bed... and he answered me, so surprised... " ok... serve two, one for you and one for me...and we drink it, talkng abuanything, with children, without them... etc... but nothing more... he get slept and me too..!!... At the same time ocurred a strange opportunity for me... his nursery open, and i have the possibility to talk with her... she is open and so care about myself and wants to talk to me... So, i think i will take that opportunity to knw if there is someone else in my h world... she is all day besides him, or at least, the most of the day... let see what she can tell me... We went to a dinner today, i was so happy, he too... but again, when we were alone is big wal between us... so i asked him... Hey, do you have an A?.... No... So, you have 3 months without making love?.... yes.... And thats all...! See you around Andrea
Hi Andrea - It's great that there is a possibility of work from the friends you met at the party - I recall this was one of your goals. What a fabulous boost to your confidence, no doubt being back at work will help place these other difficulties into perspective.
Well, its been some days without writing... and many things happened..!! thanks slowly for your encourage words First, i began working with that old friend, isnt too much what i will earn, but although this works doesnt takes me too much time (in creative writing i create so quickly )... but my friend assure me he will pay me more in a moth... At the same time i received a call asking me to offer my radio programing class again and this is date for may 11...!!... At the same time i am working so hard in an independent teens project for radio and i will present it next week to a friend, owner of a radio... so... by that side it seems my finances will be better soon and th best part i am feeling more occupied and pride of myself now...!! About my R situation... there is not too much changes... althpough i had talked again with h and he feels the same "he doesnt feels happy" and he is still trying to find the answers to his feelings with therapist help, i also catched some new points... i know that we cant beleive in any word and that a word can change so rapiddly in a second but here are the points he said last talk 1- he again said he dreams living forever with me and his children 2- he told me that although he felt sometimes wishes to hold me and kiss me, the no affection and no sex at all behavior was an agreement with his therapist just to avoid creating expectations or hopes between us 3- He said that at this point, althpugh he only has a short time going to therapist, he had get some positive points for continuining with R and bad points for continuing 4- Bc what he said, it seems so important for him the friends, the world, the moments we share and enjoy together and that he knows that will end with a D.
In that conversation was the first or second time i enfatized him about him being in crisis... that bc again he began descalificating me, again telling me i was so fat, ruined and that was the cause or the main cause of all... so... i cant acept that kind of descalifications again and again also i told him i respect he feels everything is image and everynones has to be a top model to feel well with himself or herself... for the first time i spoke about narcicism... and after that talk i sent him a picture history of myself fr the last 6 years... and yes... in all phootos, with himself or alone, he could see me so beauty, thiner and smiling...!! Right now he had two days, two morning in a row huging me and being affective... So, lets see... my goals right now ar not himself and his crisis... is mylsef and my project works... Stay around and i will appreciate your comments... Andrea
Right now i am feeling nice but so scared at the same time... H is being different... it is like he decides to try??... Although we hadnt been intimate, he is being more affective, more talkaltive, comunicative, and today i said by to him with a little mouth kiss and he was ok with that (he ddnt reject it.. he is now in a camp, bc he and a friend had to let our childre there and both parents will return tomorrow after leaving children there). On the road to soccer game of my S i talked to him about my projects work and he was so happy and talking about our property and that bank had said ok sending out new contract arrangement with the new social interest... But, on soccer game i became so jelaus... i was seated with moms and he was at another part of the field, and he always talked and talked at cell phone... So, when i was leaving i reached him and he was saying at phone "it can be... if you said..." or somethng like that... i accept my insecure arouse and i asked him "Who is? and he, with not angry but disconfort eyes answered me was a patient... i again asked him Why you have all game talking at phone?!!.. and he answered me many patients had called... so, i try to fix my comment saying... do you have an emergency?... no, no... and that was all... after that we said by with the kiss i mention before... I dont know why this jelaus and insecure feelings arise on me, and also i beleive a lot in woman instinct... so... if he having a PA or SA... i dont know... everything points out that no... he always reurn early at home... he is always with us... he always get out with me at weekend... By my side, everything is flowing, and i am wrking hard on my project for radio and the other works... I will appreciate some comments please... about signals or how to know if he maintain an A...?!!... and about all this strange and suddenly change of acctitude... i dont want to be hopefulness... i dont want to expect nothing, and bc of that i am so scared about everything returning to the same limbo land Andrea
Well... another week starting for us... a short ones bc in my country was a long weekend... H is still in the same actitude... no intimate, but more affective... no R talks, but more comunicative... No future expecctations but talking more about our lives (for example our home credit, etc). So, i am asking myself that if he is still following his C instructions about no intimate at all or if he doesnt feel needs for that?... By the other side, i know he thinks thats the best for not creating expectations or hopes between us, but... What about sharing all that fun moments (a lot this weekend) with common friends...?... that isnt creating expectations... at least for other couples who saw us together, laughing, sharing?... What if this actitude or behavior is the most confortable and easy for him... just maintaining the appeareance, his perfect world, his perfect M with others but in the real world all that is only ficticiuos...!!... I am wondering if can it be good to talk about that with him... by one side maybe he will feel that like a pressure from me... hey, we are complete together or we cant be together.... but by the other i think he needs some kind of that pressure, maybe bc in the past days he use to react well after my pressure... but again, that will be a pressure reaction and not an spontaneus ones...!! Things arent easy for me... after sharng lovely days, yesterday alone with other couples, without children at all, then we lied side by side at bed and nothing again, nothing ever happen, a touch, a kiss, a hug and of course the other one either.. i am afraid to spend all this moments, feeding my memories, my account, my history with him, and then to finish in a D... please, i need some words of wisdom here... Andrea
so normnal, talking about everything, trying to be ina great mood... i dont understand... he told me he doesnt want to kill any hopes but at the same time he doesnt want to create any expectations about us... So... doing the normal, socials way out with family, friends, isnt a way to create expectations or to continue a false picture about us.?... and i had noted that ecah time i talked about D in a serious way, he changes inmediatly his behavior... 
I dont know if i want to continue that false getting out, as a normal couple.... next thursday we have 2 invitations with other good friends couple and i dont know if it can be the best to ask him not going together... 
Slowly
