so... here i am... 9:00pm and no notice from h... i wanted so deeply to send him a messagein his cell phone saying: heyy... your sister has fever and is so weak, we are in emergency room... and next send him another message saying: ja ja ja... now yu know why i talked you about being alone with my childs...?!!... (remember that conversation when he got mad bc i said him will be ok with my kids alone?)... so... it seems it is time for revenge... bc i had arrived later, at 10:00pm yesterday, he is doing the same??... can it be??... we had talked a lot today about many things... like the news paper i made for him each month for hs patients... i had sent him march issue today... and....... this is what he thinks is a beautifull way to say... thanks... so... can i send him that malevolous mesage?
So... i didnt send him the message but i called him to his cellphone, so nice, asking... Hey, everything is OK?... Oh yes, dont worry it just that i stay here at clinic (the phone number in my ID was from the clinic) drinking something with friends... "ok... i was a littleworry bc you use to call... thats all"... yes, i will go soon, bc i will wake early tomorrow...
I went to bed and got sleep...!... This morning he stand, in a good mood, saying just hello and telling me he was going fishing with other 3 friends...he asked me if i need money (guilty acctittude?)... i asked him so calm and nice about his medical consult (he use t be so preocupiied abpu his medical consult, and now he decide going fishing in a working day )... he answered he changed to friday the patients he had today... Also yesterday in a phone call i made him bc i was going to his clinic, he told me he wasnt there... so. i ask normally Where you are?... and now he always use to answer, after seconds, i am doing business things.. and nothing more.. like saying, hey, it is my day, my world, and you dont need to know anything about it...! What a crazy changes... again, he is putting the big wall between us... again he is tryng to remark i am here, you are there...
About me, yesterday i went to lab bc i maybe have anormal hormonal changes (bc irregular menstruation), so lets see...!!.. i also went to gynecology, and care about myself and my health...! I am wrkng a lot in a project, and thats so important... i feel like if i am economic independent i will take some decissions.... stay around and excuse my english Andrea
You do just fine at your English, please don't feel it necessary to apologize.
I hate to be the one to bring this up, but I see some things in your descriptions of your H that make the lightbulbs go on, You stated at the beginning of your thread that there was not an OW, but are you positive?
In the days and months before my husbands A was revealed he too displayed a marked disinterest in sex. He had unaccounted for time and resented accounting for his whereabouts.
Does anyone else besides me think this might be a possibility?
Andrea could you take any steps to find out about this w/o coming and asking H directly?
Sorry to be a messenger of doom, but I just see so many similiarities.
Pam... dont feel worried about introducing OW issue in my story... yes, i had thought on that possibility... more bc in the past there was an ow, that in the first crisis explotion... So, yes... i am open eyes about that... i had ask h about there is someone special around that perhaps is the cause of all... and he denied it but that isnt any sure signal bc they never accept it until is evident... When we had talked, in some conversations, he had brought the ow theme, always saying he acted wrong being with a young lady, hyrtng me so bad, etc... also he times to times use to say that always people tend to say a M brokes bc an OW, and that the OW isnt the cause, the cause is that the M isnt working... ¿Self analyze??... ¿Thinking in his probable situation?... I dont know... I dont want to transform myself in a spy... thats not a life.. i am open eyes, but nothing more... and you know, when he try not to tell me where he is or what he is doing i think is more bc his needs to build the wall... bc in the past, when Ow existes, he tends me to bring more justifications, explanations for his moves just avoiding me to suspect nothing... i dont know if you undrestand... By the other side, the last days, and before traveling, he use to arrive late at home, usually at 9:00pm.. but two times he had arrived at 12... for example, yesterday.. but this is recentrly... when our situation has turned more cold... 2 weeks or months ago, he use to arrive home early and always call me for everything when he was going to stay late...!!.. In the past i had a great source of information (by his mail) but i lost that source... Another sign that can indicate me there is no OW is that in the past he never leave his cell phone away from him... right now he doesnt look or take care about this... No strange call, no strange cell messages as in the past... Maybe there isnt OW... but maybe he is interest or looking after OW... i think maybe one who runs like him, who knows...!!... i think that yes, it can be a woman that has makes this suddenly changes on him... We spent a wonderfull december together... and from january tll now, this all is happening... If there is someone, i wish i could know it...!!... only that i dont know how to find it and again, i dont win nothing asking him... he will always deny it...!!... i will appreciate your comments... Andrea By the way, i send him a cell mesage asking if everything was OK with his plane travel today (he went difhing and he knows i am so nervous about planes)... so he answered me inmediatly... tellling me he just arrive and was going to the club to take the boat... So... one of the friends he say will go with him i notice bc messanger in the PC thats is on line... can it be his wife that works with him... can it be the secretary, you know that PC opens messanger automatic... but can it be my h friends and he lied... so.. how can i find it??
ok... it is time to resume my sitch and look for some comments from you... I went on friday to my Therapist sesssion... resuming his point of view, my h had a disociation since the first time he went out from home (September 2001)... thats is he dremas with two perfect world... ones, his familly, his dearest wife, his childs, all perfect... the other one... the world when he feels handsome, hormones active, young woman wanting this new handsome man (remembr he is now 60 Kg less)... My c hopes arent optimistics... this kind of disociation arent easy to superate... he will continue looking for that other world, even he maybe hasnt someone else, he will find it as he maintain the disociation... He advice me to: Be the woman i want to be, the ones who loves her marriage,loving him, being as affective as i want to be even he reject me... bc in that way i will obligate, force him to admit what he wants... a man that doesnt want affection, erotism from his w, will explode any time. he advice me not to make ay decission... let him take it and decide M to end... So i took that advice, and began my h therapy... sending him looving cell message, being affective... Next to continue
so... on friday i invited him to dinner and he accept it... we went to a restaurant, take some drinks and didnt have any R discussion or conversation at all... i was so nice, and averything was ok... On saturday his mood change... but he made a big effort to continue normal life... as a famillly, as a m, so he made plans going out with some friends to lunch... he was always in a bad mood... and while we were goiing to anothers friends home after the lunch he told me he was thinking going to Paris (marathon man) next weekend... So, i asked so ingenous... ¿We both are going?... -no, i maybe will go only to run.... so i said... i do not agree with that...!!... and although you maybe are thinking this M wont work, you can thnk about trying not to lose some money bc you will need it to pau for your lawyers.... Yes, i said that bc by one side we are always so cutting expenses, i dont buy my childs schoes, i dont register my baby child in artistic class bc money expenses, and he is thinking to lose money in two days travel for a marathon...!!!! and without me...!!!... thats really is not the best imporant issue at all... but if he is thinking abuout fixing our M he can think about both traveling together and he is not...!!... so... the rest of night i spent a wonderfull time at his friends home... and he chgange his acttitude totally being so care and nice with me...!!... That behavior was maintaned over the sunday... we went taking lunch with his parents, we went to movie... he was always so care, so comunicative.... so... not affective but as someone is rying so hard to be nice with someone... next to continue
Well... after going out for movie, etc... when children were slept... i go to my bed, and made him some affective touch in his arm... he was so disconfort with that... so i asked him... - hey... what will you decide or do?... -I dnt know... he answered... He wasnt so gain about a conversation but he finally shutt off the volume of the TV and began to speak... 1- Again he is trying to put in my life his own history, or the history he wants to makes it true: i am so ugly, fat, that thereis no atraction at all (i am since 4 years ago wearing an 6 or 4 size...)... 2- He said he doesnt know what he wants... that he dreams being with me forever, but he right now isnt happy with me and doesnt feel in calm and happy being with me 3- he express afraid and fear about Legal issue of D... what i said: 1- i loves you, i know our M isnt working but it is bc of you... your confution... 2- I know my history, the real story, and everybody knows it... any one can say i am a fat woman, an uncare woman... and maybe his values changed... and i value a lot more than being like JLO... or someone like that... i am an special woman who loves you so much, who had worked a lot in her M, who is an special mother with my kids... and that i cant change his history but thats the real hisory, mine, and he wont get to makes me feel awfull or angry about myself... i know what i value...a lot more than a kg less or more.... That i loved him fat or thin... and that i wont took any decission about our M... bc i was so clear i loves him, i want my M, so... he has to be the one who takes any decission... i will continue loving him... i also told him about him wanting to get hppiness from out M... and that i dont think at all he will get it... but he doesnt stop thinking outside is the real solution for his confution... and i cant do anything about this, bc it is himself who can resolve his own world... So... here i am, questioning some issues: 1- what if he doesnt loves me anymore?. what DBing has to do with that...? 2- Whats if my C expectations (based on statitics) are true and this disociation will end in the same?... D... I will appreciate your comments... Andrea So...
Well... today, all day long, i am thinking seriously the possibilitty asking my h D...!!... I dont know... i am so afraid of suffering more, and even more n the future when he fnally get the answer i think he will get from his "self analysis"... D...!!... so, why extending time...?... why not encaring, enfrenting reallity and sadness with my children right now...?... It will be diffcicult, not only in the emotional aspect, but in the financial ones, but i think i get the final end... or at least this is what i think right now... Andrea
Oh, Andrea, I know how that feels - wanting to end the uncertainty by any means possible, even D.
But stop and take a deep breath: - first - if your H had cancer, but there was a chance he would recover from it in the next year, you would stay to see if he recovered. Just consdier his depression as being like cancer.
- even if you do end up divorcing, wouldn't you be in a better position financially if you spent the next year secretly preparing for it - getting a better job, saving a little money in secret, getting all the finances in order? That seems it would be wiser than jumping into a D.
)... he answered he changed to friday the patients he had today... 
and he is not...!!... so...
Andrea