YES...!!... I CAN MAKE IT...!! Today, after a call acepting my propossal of paying with part of honoraries from a work, i will beguin a narrative course of 8 weeks, all tuesday nights... well, wish me luck... i feel so good... so... i hope this course willl be great and what i am looking for...!!....
Will you be the student or the teacher in this course?
Okay - I've read the report of your conversation with your H, and I have two observations: 1) - You are pushing him too much to "decide", when he is still very uncertain. He is afraid that your R will not end up happy - but when you get angry at him for being indecisive, then it seems to him like proof that the marriage will not work out. I understand your frustration, but he needs to see you happy and self-confident, not angry and sad.
2) - I felt like you didn't take his complaints about you seriously - that is, you were busy defending yourself ("I like how I look, I'm not so fat, I do exercise, it is hard to quit smoking"). Yes, I know - it seems as though if you fix one thing, he will just find another thing to complain about. And yes, much of this is HIS problem - his own fears of growing older himself make it difficult for him to see you aging. Still - do not underestimate the power - or even the validity - of his needs. I always thought it was shallow of my H to want be to be dressed up and wearing makeup - but you know what? It was selfish of ME not to care about his feelings, his desire to have an attractive wife. And really, it is not so very difficult, and I find now that I enjoy it!
Find a girlfriend who is very attractive, who dresses beautifully and always looks great - and ask her for her honest opinion. Ask her to suggest new clothes, new makeup, new hairstyle - even if you weigh the same, you can look thinner if you dress properly.
Get your teeth fixed - I know you may be worried about the cost, but your H will appreciate it if you are spending on your appearance. Start lifting weights (bodybuilding - also called weight training) in addition to your running - it will firm up your figure.
Go to a website called www.bodyforlife.com . Look at the before-and-after pictures of the people there. How do you think your H would respond if you made a transformation like the people there have?
Men are visual - men in midlife crisis are panicked about aging - and this is probably one of the most important things you could do to save your marriage. So quit fighting it and making excuses 9oh, you sound SO much like I used to sound, Andrea! ) - and just start transforming yourself back to the girl he fell in love with.
Hi ellie: i am a sudent and this night class was great... i really felt so happy participating again in some interesant and professional great course... i am a guionist... for radio and TV, but i always dream to write my wn book... first i think to write an infantil book, but that course appears, the opportunity of doing it without asking my h money for it open... so... lets do it... thats a way to knows new people, no disconect from his confution and to feel myself doing what i like...!! creative...!!
Abour your kindy support... lets beguin...
Quote: You are pushing him too much to "decide", when he is still very uncertain. He is afraid that your R will not end up happy - but when you get angry at him for being indecisive, then it seems to him like proof that the marriage will not work out. I understand your frustration, but he needs to see you happy and self-confident, not angry and sad.
My doubt is that he is really uncertain... why he said me "I think that at the final we will be divorced??"... You know, as woman we fight a lot with out dignity being so hurt and damage... so... i accept all that critics about myself... you know... i value more than a body, a teeth, a smoke mouth... thats important, and i had showed him i take care abou that, i am now 5 kilograms less than 2 month ago... i went 2 weeks ago to dentist office to clean my teeths of stones and cigarrets marks, so... he will always find something wring with me bc he doesnt feel well with himself, he feel so insecure, so uncertain in what he thinks right now are the right values... so yes... maybe a push him a little, but only a little if we take care all hings and how they had flowed between us...
Quote: Find a girlfriend who is very attractive, who dresses beautifully and always looks great - and ask her for her honest opinion. Ask her to suggest new clothes, new makeup, new hairstyle - even if you weigh the same, you can look thinner if you dress properly.
It isnt the way i dress... bc he didnt notice what i wear... i can wear a very tight blouse or a lousy ones and is the same... he never notice it... or he doesnt wants to notic it right now... althugh i use to dress in a sexy, atractive way... i always catch the attention of his friends... i always show me so pretty and georgeus...!! i dont need o ask a girlfriend... i give advice to them... and about me being more and more thinner... yes, i can lose 5 kilograms more... i will be pleased... but when i enter 40 i need t workout a lot more just to lose 1 kg...!!... but i feel great with me, and i wear 26-28 size in pants... 4 in strech pants... so... i am not fat, but i have the typical abdommen of a mother of 3... yes...
Quote: Get your teeth fixed - I know you may be worried about the cost, but your H will appreciate it if you are spending on your appearance. Start lifting weights (bodybuilding - also called weight training) in addition to your running - it will firm up your figure.
As i told you before i already did that dentist visit and my teeths are great right now... he knows that... but he is still claiming i didnt do it before... I used to lift up weights... and yes, they can guves you a great tone muscle... but i had to quit from gym bc money issue... so, right now i only can walk up the hill each morning, and run each night...!!...
Quote: Men are visual - men in midlife crisis are panicked about aging - and this is probably one of the most important things you could do to save your marriage. So quit fighting it and making excuses 9oh, you sound SO much like I used to sound, Andrea! ) - and just start transforming yourself back to the girl he fell in love with.
I dont know if i can name his crisis as a MLC... i know is mostly about his change, a big change in look and style of life... it seems to me he is fighting with that fatty man he use to be... and i represent to him a part of that past... so, whil he fight with that fatty man, the same fatty man that has 3 kids in the past, that reach an excellent clinic office with the help of his wife... that fatty man that earns and get so many dreams and things... i cant do anything... he is trying to throw away everything of that past, and i am one of that... he is fighting with that, i knw he is nor certain about his nightmare or confution, but i cant do more... he needs to resolve his own issue... his judge and scare about being the same as his parents... his fears about being something similar of that fatty boys... he is working so hard to feel himself welll but at the same time he is working so hard to destroy all that can share and build a wonderfull life with the neww thin man he is now bc all his efforts... thanks again... Andrea
Well, here i am... trying to live day by day and letting time do his job... his job on him and on me...!!but at the same time fighting with the anxious feeling when i think abput a possibility of a D...!! and i cant stop thinking about that bc his words and his mood..!!... there is no improve around, at least i cant see it...! What i have been doing is trying to always smile... it can be a impositive smile, but i am sure i will get use to smile and then it can be a natural smile... I am continuing making good and relax exercisses... i am more and more thiner... and even i have menstruation now, an issue that always affect my mood so much, it seems i am feeling less depresive or sad this time... is an up and down sensation...!! And an up and down acctitude for myself... after that conversation and even the words and no hopes perspective in him, at times i find myself trying to tell him hey, everything is not lost... and at time i find myself so tired about thinking in a hoping way and detach...!! Yesterday afternoon i sent my h a cell message only saying him: Hey, i will go to mountain at 5:00pm... will you company me up to the hill at least going down? (bc he is faster than me in going up)... a minute later i got an answer saying me: i have patients at that hour... thanks...! And there again, i had double mixed inside reaction... 1- at least he answer and say thanks and yes, maybe he has patients. 2- He doesnt have patients at all, but at least he look for a way to reject my invitation So, i went alone, then picked my mom to a place she need to stay, returned home and began playing piano... he found me there playing piano when he got home... say hi... and went to our bedroom... i finished my inspirational play and then go to him, give him a friendly kiss and say hello... he talked a little about our next travel to amazonas... say by and get sleep...!!... noticing him the same... confuse, like stress... Maybe that inviation, maybe my kindly and polite behavior stress him more... bc he is thinking to move out, and there is nothing bad in me to do that... i dont know...! He had 3 days getting late to home... he never arrived before 9:00... on monday bc we went out dinner.. on tuesday he called to say he was going out to have some drinks and got home at 12:00pm... on wednesday at 9:00pm.. so.. he has 3 days without sharing with his children... sometimes i feel it is like he is trying to detach also from them...!!... Well, enough for now... see you around Andrea
Oh, Andrea - your poor H is definitely suffering from depression. I think you handled it just right - being happy, smiling, inviting him to hike with you. He has so many problems of his own right now that he cannot handle it if you are anxious and depressed too. Try to think of it this way - instead of letting his mood drag you down - you will let YOUR mood lift him UP. Be patient - sometimes it would take me an entire evening (4 hours!) of being happy and cheerful and cute just to get my H to move from grumpy and depressed to grumpy and depressed but apologetic about it! But he did always improve some if I kept NOT reacting to his bad mood.
tHANKS ELLIE... I DONT KNOW if i do it right, but i just sent him a mail, even he told me he hate to receive mails but i know he read ir ... in that mail i put this conclussion i am working hard to be part of my life right now...
Quote: After our conversation and after thinking a little I have reached a conclusion that i need to communicate, although you do not like to read mails... Nobody is possession of anybody and I will never be able to control the decisions that you take the time throughout... I must let you to choose... I will try to live happy with you and with me, love you with freedom and without prevailing me of what i feel although it causes more damage to me in the future and, over everything, I want to let youself decide with who you want to be... i wish you Luck in that inner trip ... I hope that serves the best thing for you
hi everyone... here i am... back in home after an extraordinary vacation with sons and other famillies, even my h wasnt close and affective with me... but i deffinatelly enjoy it a lot... and the jungle adventure was the best for all of us...!!... Although i exploded many times, cried, and feel so depress in some moments because his rejections and his answers about that rejection (i dont know why i dont feel pleasure being affective for you ) i was always the most funny and smiling one on the group, the 4 famillies that travel together...! I dnt knw whats happening to my h... i dont know if he will get out of that tormeentous and confused world, i only know i dont know what i will decide or do in the future.. sometimes i wish to push him away and beguin a new life for m and my children... but sometimes i decide to be patience and try to handle his confution until i dont know what decission he will take... Althugh we laugh and joke a lot... although we share comments and plans for the future... he seems "angry", so "reject type" about me...!... it is like he is obligatting himlsef to be that way with me... WHY?? i am not th guilty for his frustration... the only thing i had done is helping him to attaing his goals and projects... So, let time do his part... by my part i will try hardly to detach from him... being so happy, even i have to obligate myself to be like that, caring abpout myself, and no affections, caring ... i will get apart... i think my dignity as a woman and my self love needs some kind of that accttitude... i had received so many hurting and sadness actions from him that i dont want more...!!... so, i will stay around... Andrea
Can someone know something about psicoanalisis sessions and how they can affect a person mood, behavior or acctittude??... i had passed this morning reading about that bc it seems my h is psicoanalyzing himself... i know he is going to a therapist, i didnt ask him too much about that, respecting his own space and decissions... but i had felt him returning to the past, talking about his dreams, about his infant days....!!... Andrea
well, maybe my english isnt good and bc of that i didnt receive any responses to my questions..
Here at home all seems to be "normal"... H living here but totally away from me... and me totally away from him...! Only cotidianity words about children, work, etc, but nothing more. Although i feel him less irritate and hurting acctitude, but i am gtting use to his changing mood so quickly...!! Yesterday i went to my novel writing course, and was great After that, i went wth a good good friend to drink something and talk a lot... i returned home and found him seing TV at 10:00pm... Only a hello from him and from me... no more...!!... So, i will appreciate some comments about: 1- Psycoanalysis... and its effects on patient...!! it seems my h is doing that with his C bc he is always talking and remembering the past questioning it, and talking about the new man he is now, if he maybe is now the man he always wish to be 2- Please i will appreciate some good advices about how to treat h living at home while is trying to find his answers without doing any effort to makes M works... it seems thats not important for him right now, the important issue for him is himself...!! 3- How to be patient and do not desesperate bc living at limboland...!!...
On friday i will go to my C sessions... i know that will help me a lot... Well, thats all from now... see you around Andrea
Quote: 1- Psycoanalysis... and its effects on patient...!! it seems my h is doing that with his C bc he is always talking and remembering the past questioning it, and talking about the new man he is now, if he maybe is now the man he always wish to be
Bad therapy that just dwells on past hurts can really make a WAS worse. I don't know what you can do about it, though.
Quote: Please i will appreciate some good advices about how to treat h living at home while is trying to find his answers without doing any effort to makes M works... it seems thats not important for him right now, the important issue for him is himself...!!
Just be happy, upbeat, speak his love languages, Act As If everything is going to be okay, Get A Life and be a little mysterious about where you are going and what you are doing.
Quote: How to be patient and do not desesperate bc living at limboland...!!...
Find some outside goal to focus on - for me, it was training to climb Mount Whitney.
) - and just start transforming yourself back to the girl he fell in love with.
I used to lift up weights... and yes, they can guves you a great tone muscle... but i had to quit from gym bc money issue... so, right now i only can walk up the hill each morning, and run each night...!!...
but i deffinatelly enjoy it a lot... and the jungle adventure was the best for all of us...!!...