Well, here i am... trying to live day by day and letting time do his job... his job on him and on me...!!but at the same time fighting with the anxious feeling when i think abput a possibility of a D...!! and i cant stop thinking about that bc his words and his mood..!!... there is no improve around, at least i cant see it...! What i have been doing is trying to always smile... it can be a impositive smile, but i am sure i will get use to smile and then it can be a natural smile... I am continuing making good and relax exercisses... i am more and more thiner... and even i have menstruation now, an issue that always affect my mood so much, it seems i am feeling less depresive or sad this time... is an up and down sensation...!! And an up and down acctitude for myself... after that conversation and even the words and no hopes perspective in him, at times i find myself trying to tell him hey, everything is not lost... and at time i find myself so tired about thinking in a hoping way and detach...!! Yesterday afternoon i sent my h a cell message only saying him: Hey, i will go to mountain at 5:00pm... will you company me up to the hill at least going down? (bc he is faster than me in going up)... a minute later i got an answer saying me: i have patients at that hour... thanks...! And there again, i had double mixed inside reaction... 1- at least he answer and say thanks and yes, maybe he has patients. 2- He doesnt have patients at all, but at least he look for a way to reject my invitation So, i went alone, then picked my mom to a place she need to stay, returned home and began playing piano... he found me there playing piano when he got home... say hi... and went to our bedroom... i finished my inspirational play and then go to him, give him a friendly kiss and say hello... he talked a little about our next travel to amazonas... say by and get sleep...!!... noticing him the same... confuse, like stress... Maybe that inviation, maybe my kindly and polite behavior stress him more... bc he is thinking to move out, and there is nothing bad in me to do that... i dont know...! He had 3 days getting late to home... he never arrived before 9:00... on monday bc we went out dinner.. on tuesday he called to say he was going out to have some drinks and got home at 12:00pm... on wednesday at 9:00pm.. so.. he has 3 days without sharing with his children... sometimes i feel it is like he is trying to detach also from them...!!... Well, enough for now... see you around Andrea
