Will you be the student or the teacher in this course?

Okay - I've read the report of your conversation with your H, and I have two observations:
1) - You are pushing him too much to "decide", when he is still very uncertain. He is afraid that your R will not end up happy - but when you get angry at him for being indecisive, then it seems to him like proof that the marriage will not work out. I understand your frustration, but he needs to see you happy and self-confident, not angry and sad.

2) - I felt like you didn't take his complaints about you seriously - that is, you were busy defending yourself ("I like how I look, I'm not so fat, I do exercise, it is hard to quit smoking"). Yes, I know - it seems as though if you fix one thing, he will just find another thing to complain about. And yes, much of this is HIS problem - his own fears of growing older himself make it difficult for him to see you aging.
Still - do not underestimate the power - or even the validity - of his needs. I always thought it was shallow of my H to want be to be dressed up and wearing makeup - but you know what? It was selfish of ME not to care about his feelings, his desire to have an attractive wife. And really, it is not so very difficult, and I find now that I enjoy it!

Find a girlfriend who is very attractive, who dresses beautifully and always looks great - and ask her for her honest opinion. Ask her to suggest new clothes, new makeup, new hairstyle - even if you weigh the same, you can look thinner if you dress properly.

Get your teeth fixed - I know you may be worried about the cost, but your H will appreciate it if you are spending on your appearance. Start lifting weights (bodybuilding - also called weight training) in addition to your running - it will firm up your figure.

Go to a website called www.bodyforlife.com . Look at the before-and-after pictures of the people there. How do you think your H would respond if you made a transformation like the people there have?

Men are visual - men in midlife crisis are panicked about aging - and this is probably one of the most important things you could do to save your marriage. So quit fighting it and making excuses 9oh, you sound SO much like I used to sound, Andrea! ) - and just start transforming yourself back to the girl he fell in love with.

Ellie