Well, Andrea - I think the advice you got is good, what we call Getting A Life. I'm not sure what is going on with your H. - It could be that he's mad at you for not having a job and is taking it out on you by witholding sex.
- It could be that the depression or some physical problem is causing him to lose desire and he is "saving face" by saying it is your fault.
- It could be that he is feeling unloved. Have you been speaking his "love languages" to him? There is a book many of us have read here - I will post a synopsis for you.
- It could be he is not seeing you as attractive. I know, appearance should not matter that much, but men are very visual, and it does matter to them. I have found that fairly small adjustments to my appearance (losing 20 pounds, wearing my contact lenses more instead of my glasses, wearing makeup, earrings and perfume, wearing clothes that are a little more stylish and sexy) make a HUGE difference to my husband. Are there some changes to your appearance that you could make? What would you do if you were single and looking to attract a new mate? Why not do those same things to attract your husband?
Your H needs to see you as a girlfriend again, not as a wife. Can you be a little flirtatious, funny, interesting, light-hearted? I know it is so difficult when all these anxieties are weighing you down, but the anxious, serious wife is not attractive.
Here is that summary of that book: The idea behind the Five Love Languages: There are five ways of expressing love - Physical touch (hugs, massage, kisses - not just sex)
Words of Affirmation (compliments, "gee, honey, you are so smart and handsome, you are so clever" etc.)
Acts of Service (cooking, cleaning, changing the oil in the car, doing and fixing things for the other person)
Quality time (being together, sharing an activity, having the full attention of your spouse)
Gifts (things, like jewelry, a new gadget, etc.)
Now, if I speak French, and you speak Japanese, you might be saying "I love you" but I wouldn't understand you.
In the same way, a man who expresses himself to his wife in Acts of Service (washing and maintaining her car, working hard to support her) might be saying ILY through those acts, but if his wife's languages is words of affirmation, she thinks he doesn't love her because he's not giving her cards with flowery words saying "I love you, you're so beautiful" etc.
Most people have two love languages which are the primary way they like to receive love. They are NOT necessarily the same as the languages they use to express themselves. (The person who does Acts of Service, for instance, may actually prefer to receive Words of Affirmation - "oh, thank you honey for washing my car, you are so sweet and so thoughtful!").
So - if you can figure out your H's love languages, and start speaking them to him, he may respond better.
