I feel for you. A friend of mine, whom I’ll call Dorothy, has a nice husband and a 16-year old son from a previous relationship. Marcus, the son, is a rather rebellious teenager, and isn’t doing well in school. Rob, her husband, thinks she is “too soft” on the boy and “lets him get away with too much.” He tries to step in and be the “male authority” in the house, make him do his homework, limit his partying/computer time, etc.
Marcus hates Rob, loves his biological father, and deeply resents any “parenting” that Rob attempts to do. Rob, I may add, is a wonderful husband and excellent father to his biological children from a previous marriage.
Marcus has recently run away to a friend’s house because Dorothy hasn’t “kicked her husband out of the house” like he wanted her to. They are currently in gridlock, and heaven knows how it will all turn out.
Now I don’t blame Dorothy for not throwing out her husband – but Rob also made mistakes. His attempts to “strengthen her back” and impose discipline were essentially useless, and only made Markus resentful. I’m a stepparent myself, and I know that it can be difficult sometimes. What I’ve found works is to totally stay out of the “discipline” area – I try to support and be a friend to my stepchildren, but “parenting” belongs to the parents. It isn’t my job to insist they do all their homework, or monitor when they come home at night. These things my husband and their mother have to work out between themselves. They set the rules, and they have to enforce them.
My vote is to let your husband come back home, but to make sure he understands that discipline belongs to you and your son’s father. Easier said than done, I know – but entirely possible. Hang in there.
Pen 