Last week XW met me for lunch. I invited her, no this in not good DBing, but I really dont feel DBing will work for us. Its been a year and she has never shown any interest in me.
She told me she is in love with OM, and he is moving in with her next month. Right now I feel about as low as I have ever felt. While its no big shock, I had hope, I dont think I have hope anymore. I really wanted us to have another chance, I really love her and want to share my life with her. She has rejected me at every turn and a years worth of rejection is all I can take. I know when I've had enough. I've had enough. Until now I've never given up on anything. I just cant go on hoping for a future with her. Its time for me to turn away from her. I feel its the only way.
Remember that she once said that she loved you, then claimed to change her mind. Moving in with OM will actually put them in a pressure cooker of reality.
On the other hand, I've been following your sitch since you were in Newcomers, I saw your great pain there prior to and just following the D, and I wouldn't fault you in the least if you threw in the towel.
But what about merely throwing down the rope, Hope? Maybe just truly letting her go in your heart, and getting on with your life, including dating. If you're not ready, you're not ready, but even lunch or drinks with OW would be a fun way to stretch your social skills a bit.
The move-in sucks - I know. But it might be so much more informative for her now to see you with a nice 'who cares' look on your face that denotes that you are moving on and not looking back. Whether you leave the door cracked open or not is up to you, and can be s/t you keep secret deep down in your heart.
I had the boys all weekend. We went camping with some relatives. They played with their cousins, went swimming and generally had a good time. Yesterday we went to my grandfathers house for a visit.
Dropped them off this morning. I was in a hurry and didnt say anything to her. Next dropoff I need to at least say hi. I'm really trying to detach, but at times I go overboard, it bugs me when I dont at least say hi to her.
Your right about dropping the rope. At times I think, there is no way I could really handle a relationship with her after all the damage. Lately I try to think a little less about things. I gotta give myself a break, it is so unhealthy to focus all this energy on someone whom really does not care for me. Its especially draining when I have a 2 and 5 year old to keep up with. They deserve so much from me. Spending so much time fretting and worrying about her is shortchanging them. I've finally dropped the rope, and not sure if I'll ever pick it up again. All I know is I'm trying not to think about her so much.
I've been following your thread and just wanted to say hang in there, and stay on that high road.
If you are lurking, I just wanted to pop in and say hello. Don't feel the need to respond. I know the feeling of just wanting to lay low. Hope you and the kids are doing OK.
Hey Sam, nice to hear from you. I've just been hanging around. To be honest I dont do much in the way of DBing anymore. XW is in love and living with OM. She has no interest in me, she has all of her focus on him and her new career. She called last night as I was dozing off. Started off by saying she called for no real reason other than she had not talked to me in awhile. She also said she knew I was avoiding her because I was upset with her (which is true). I responded by saying it was difficult to talk to her. Does anyone else have this problem? I know we'll never be together again, and she's in love with him and they will probably get married. My mind know's this is all true, but my heart still misses the person I knew (most likely the person she shares with him, I guess). Anyway it took me about 3 hours to get to sleep after the 10 minute conversation. I just keep telling myself "I'm doing the best I can"
They feel this need (for whatever reason) to keep open a connection, but not the connection we want and I think partly to appease some guilt or not wanting you to think of them as mean or evil or the bad guy.
They are moving on with their lives and in due time, we will move on with ours.
Sorry things are so tough. You are actually doing great. You are going to survive this and be really happy again one day.
How are your kids?
It is weird that she called you to talk. I bet her and OM got into some sort of arguement or she is trying to ease her guilt. Who knows? Did you ever find out if this OM was in the picture before your separation? I remember you could never quite put your finger on the situation.
It was nice to hear from you. Life isn't a bed of roses to still have the ex in your life. I think either path is difficult but in different ways. Hang in there.
Have you done much dating? Have you met anybody that is interesting? Don't stay a stranger forever and take care.
Great to hear from you! I'd say your accepting her call and chatting in a friendly manner while holding no expectations is actually a high form of DBing.
If you are keeping up with the GAL work while trying to stay detached, then you are indeed DBing still. No matter what she tells you, rebound Rs have a short shelf-life, my friend. Yet, keep the focus on yourself.
Gabriel and Sam, Thanks for posting. I just wanted to give you an update.
I have not started dating, however I feel like I'm about ready for the plunge.
I'd say XW is pretty serious about OM, since she works with/for him, lives with him and seems to spend every single moment with him. She is a very committed woman, that is until she changes her mind. I still have the love/hate feelings for her. Still stinging from this mornings pickup up when I noticed lingerie and a blanket laying on the couch. The mind can play the cruelest scenes! I guess it wouldnt hurt if I didnt still love her, It would be easy if I didnt still love her. XW swears that OM wasnt in the picture before the bomb. I'll probably never know the truth, and I have to accept that.
My boys are doing great. I am soooo proud of those two little guys. I went away for a four day fishing trip, I called mid trip and they seemed to be doing good and missed their daddy. I spend alot of time with them and try to enjoy and be thankfull for every moment I'm with them. Anyway they are really good boys and I am so proud of them. Cant wait to spend the afternoon with them.
My mother told me a really sad story that I thought I would share. A 27 year old man who attends our church died last week after heart surgery. He left behind a wife and two children. I've always compared divorce to death and in a lot of ways divorce seems worse, but as traumatic as divorce is I cannot imagine a child loosing a parent. I am so thankful that my boys have both parents, even if it is part time. Stories, like this are heart wrenching, but make me thankfull for what God has given me and my children.
I continue to follow your posts and wish everyone the best. Take care.
I was so glad to see you post. You sound like you are doing well even though things are tough for you. You have your priorities in place and things are going to work out well for you. One day you are going to be posting about how happy you are and that the heartache you endured in the past was worth it in the end. You have come so far.
You are so right about your children being lucky to have both parents in their lives. You are a great father, and your boys are lucky to have you.
It must have been hard for you to have to see signs of ex and OM living what seems like a happy life. I am sorry for that. Try to remember that things aren't always what they seem. I swear Hope--what comes around goes around.
What kind of person are you looking for in a spouse. I think about what I want in an other man often. Sometimes I think someone divorced would be good, but the statistics on marriages between divorced persons is scary. I think I want a divorced person who admits to their faults in the marriage and doesn't blame the other person. I would want that person to have grown because of the divorce and not just sit there and blame the situation on ex. I guess this is a given from DBers. I just think it is rare to find a divorced person who takes responsibility for their fault in the marriage. I think about these things a lot. Do you?
Ex and I have become really good friends but sometimes I wonder if he can ever overcome his addiction. Who knows? Life is getting easier though, and I can see myself having a happy life with or without ex. I am sure you agree that there will always be regret and sadness for what could have been, but also there is hope for a life you never dreamed possible. I just wish life wasn't filled with so much pain sometimes. It kind of sucks. I am jealous that you have your sons. If ex and I don't ever get back together, and it looks like I won't be remarrying anytime soon, I have full intentions of having a baby on my own with donor sperm. This may sound nutty to you, but I have got to have kids!! I guess life doesn't turn out how you planned, but we just have to make the best with what we have. It looks like you are doing just that and taking every moment with your sons and making the most of it.
Take care and keep in touch. I always wonder how you are doing and get really excited to see you moving forward each time you post. You are doing good Hope. Keep hanging in there. I promise life gets brighter and brighter. I didn't believe that for a minute, but it does.
