Almost a month since my last post. I guess I haven't posted because not much has changed, in a long time. A couple of things worth mentioning:
XW asked me about a month ago if I wanted to meet OM, whom she started dating 2 months after bomb. Anyway, my reply was no, I didnt see any need to meet him. She said she didnt understand why I wouldnt want to meet the man that was spend some time with our boys. I replied that I had to trust her enough not to date an ax murder or child molester. While I didnt explain it very well, because I was not thinking clearly, I look at it like this: 1. she loves the kids and wouldnt let anything bad happen to them. 2. If I met him and didnt like him would that really matter to her? Would she stop seeing him because I didnt like him?
So I saw no point in it. He didnt really want to meet me, and I sure as hell dont want to meet him. I kinda view him as the guy that may have made it impossible for her to see all the changes I was making. I dont respect the fact that they were dating while the divorce was pending. Thoughts?
I went back on my vow not to talk to her about relationship stuff the other day. I basically told her that I still had hope for us, she was resolute that it will never happen. Its almost like the rejection doesnt hurt anymore. I think these types of conversations with her are pretty much self destructive on my part. I did so good for months.
I've been hard on myself lately. I read most of these posts and see no-one beating themselves up over the mistakes they made in the relationship. Seems like its all about what she/he is/is not doing. Maybe its because others have made changes and choose not to look back knowing it is pointless. While I have changed alot of my negative behaviors, I still have alot of regret and shame for the wrong I did. Sometimes I wonder if there really is hope for those of us who did wrong. I guess I just havent forgiven myself yet.
Anyway enough of the bad stuff. As for something positive. Two nights ago she said this to me:
You were always a really good father, but know you are a great father. She said it with such pride and certantity. It felt really good hearing that. I feel better just thinking about it.
