S5 knows pretty much the same - that W lives in one place and I in another. But he's very observant, notices that W is "sad" or "angry" and he is mourning that "our family is broken apart." When W was going full throttle toward D in Nov., she got all these pop-psych books on D that paint it as a fun, wonderful adventure, but S5 recoiled from it, feeling his own sorrow about W and I being split it.
As I was the only parent willing to talk to him about his sadness, he learned to come to me to talk about his feelings. I have kept a semi-neutral stance, letting him know that I will always love him, and will try to be available to him as much as I can, and that I love W, and I have helped him to learn how to pray/talk to God directly about his wish for his family to "get back together."
I guess I take a "we will see" approach, and I think W has backed down to a neutral stance with him as well.
It was my weekend to have the boys, however I let her have them since is was Mothers Day weekend. She seemed gratefull for the gesture.
I had no contact with her this weekend, except for Sunday when I called to wish her a Happy Mothers Day, and ask how her day was. Sounded like she had a good day, she mentioned that the boys let her sleep in till 10. I thought why do you need to sleep till 10, and shouldnt you be spending that time with them. Dont worry, I only thought it. I gotta quit thinking so much!!!!
I spent Sunday afternoon with my Mother. I helped her plant her flower bed, then Bar-b-qued supper. I think she really enjoyed the day. I am so thankfull for my Mother.
I started work on a chest of drawers for my S5 since he doesnt have one anymore. I've always enjoyed building things, and I actually do pretty good work! It felt good just to work on something. A couple more weekends and it should be done.
Saturday night I went over to Brothers for a poker party. Won $12. Had a great time with the fellas.
I think I'm doing a pretty good job of filling my time. At times filling my time seems like merely a distraction from what is really going on in my life, however I know its helping me GAL. Sometimes its difficult especially on those days when I just want to sit and be sad. Those days are getting fewer. Hope.....
Yesterday, XW called "just to talk" I thought oh boy, what does she want? She actually apologized for not saying much to me, in the AM when I picked S2 up for daycare. I told her we were both in a hurry and I thought nothing of it. We talked about a couple on things, things were going great. Then she brought up a subject off limits for me. Her new job includes selling finincial services. Months ago she asked me if she could contact my friends and family to talk to them about her services. I was not comfortable with it and told her I would preferr it if she didnt. Well she just happened bring it up yesterday towards the end of our conv. I just wonder if she is working me? Primerica is the company she works for and I believe they train folks to aggressively pursue contacts and potential clients. While the products may be on the level, I am not so sure about the tactics used to obtain a sale.
I feel like letting her contact my family and friends is being inconsiderate to them, and putting them in an awkward position. How would this make you feel?
With all this being said my plan is to take the conv at face value. If she brings it up again, I'll just politely say "We've already covered this subject and I would prefer not to talk about it again". I'm setting a boundry here.
It's sure convenient that she would apologize for not saying much to you then ask for a favor that really seems of questionable taste. Hmmmm. You can't stop her from contacting friends and family, but I'm with you...I'd also say "I would prefer you not contact them."
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think your boundaries sound very reasonable, and I think you are handling the sitution correctly. I think your plan if she brings it up again sounds good.
I am probably not the best one for advice lately because I am in kind of a negative mode as far as the walk-away is concerned. I hate our walk-aways right now and think they are pretty selfish people. I will shut up right now. Your situation is very different than mine, and I don't want to be responsible for fueling your anger which will only cause problems.
Just wanted to say hello and tell you that from what I have read in your posts, I think you are doing a good job. Thanks for the kind words in your recent post. I enjoy hearing from you. Take care.
Hey I have done that job, M funds. And YES you are correct NOT to allow her to contact all your family and friends. When I starting, they had me write a list of all I could call and about 50 more from there. What she is selling may be good but is not for all. I did that for about 9 months, lost lots of money, but did not lose one friend.
Quote: I feel like letting her contact my family and friends is being inconsiderate to them, and putting them in an awkward position. How would this make you feel?
If you weren't comfortable with it before and still aren't, I think telling her that is the right thing to do. As someone said, you can't control who she calls, but you can express your feelings. I agree that it could make your family and friends feel awkward.
XW really let me have it last night! I was 15 minutes late picking up the boys, which made her late for her appointment. I didnt realize she had to leave at 7 sharp. My mistake, but she wouldn't even acknowledge my apology. After I got home she called to "vent", to tell me that I was giving her a bad reputation by making her late for her appointment. She also told me I needed to get a cell phone so she could get ahold of me. I sat there and took it all, saying things like "I understand how you feel", "From now on I'll arrive early to pick the boys up".
This is really trying my patients! I keep telling myself she didnt mean half of what she said. I just dont know anymore.
You likely won't see the effect of such appropriate response and validation for a few more times/events like that. But she will notice your change, and likely will be pulled toward your way of behaving.
On the other hand, I wonder if being stressed with the kids isn't a positive for your sitch, cause maybe then she'll value all the parenting you're shouldering a bit more than she's given voice to.
I keep telling myself she didnt mean half of what she said.
That concerns she told you about aren't necessarily the half not to believe. The stuff not to believe is the "ILYBINILWY", "I'm never coming back", type of stuff.
