Your right she does call, and that is positive. However she only calls if she needs something or wants to talk to the kids. Knowing that hurts like hell. But on the flip side, she could severe all contact.
Next time we talk I'll put some effort into talking about the kids, afterall she does miss them and she is missing out on alot. After working consistently with the 2 year old for a week now he's almost potty trained. I will be so happy when the last diaper is changed. TMI I know.... It happens when you become Mr. Mom. Hope
Hello everyone, XW got back from Cabo. To make a long story short, her boyfriend went with her. I didnt ask for the information, she mentioned (it matter of fact). I think she wanted to tell me. No big suprise, but all the same it really hurts. I've been in a funk for a couple of months now. I guess its because I know that she has a signicant relationship with someone else, and I know she will probably never come back to me. Our boys keep me grounded. I thank God for them. If it weren't for them I dont know how I would get thru all this. I hate writing all this negative crap, but it helps a little to write it out. I am so sick of these up and down (mostly down) emotions. God, I guess I just want this thing to be over. I'm the only one holding on and I cant keep this up forever, its too tiring. I feel like she is using every weapon in her arsonal to get rid of me. How long can I sustain the hurt she is piling on me. How do you truely let go of someone you love so much??
Quote: How do you truely let go of someone you love so much??
You won't completely let go for a long time. I spent the first couple years on and off after my first divorce wanting to get back together. I didn't know anything of DBing or GAL, I was alone and lonely in a new town separated by over a thousand miles from my kids. Know what? The actual getting over isn't easy. What finally got me over her was GAL and eventually getting a new woman. One day...no more hurt.
I think your most important step is to truly focus on yourself and your happiness. Do something good for yourself. Hook up with old friends. Whatever. But you need to completely let go and move on if you want any hope for reconciliation. If you do things right eventually you won't even think about getting back together and if it happens, then it can happen on your terms instead of hers.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for the reply. I know moving on and letting go is what I need to do. It helps to have someone say this to me. It helps to have someone say "you need to start letting go". It seems so foreign to me that a persons only hope of getting that special someone back in their life is to completely let them go. Yet, thats what everyone says.
Your XW is really not doing any work on herself right now. Distracting via work, travel, OM are all examples of this, as is her limited time with her kids.
I'd strongly consider a strong legal play at this time. A court-order revisiting child visitation/custody/support that holds her to her responsibilities as a mother. You may be doing too much as a single parent - let her do more.
All is fair in love and war - and her being ordered to be a more involved mother (or paying the financial price of higher child support, and more structured visitation) will be a bigger pill to swallow for any OM. IMHO this is rougher for OM than for OW, as who wants to help raise some other guy's kids. Men are hard-wired to resent this. Importantly, it also will be a great way to remind her of you - as each child as a nice dose of you in them - and they are a constant reminder of your M.
If you do the above, do so in a matter-of-fact, objective manner, knowing that it'll help your children in the longrun, protecting yourself from holding any retaliatory/revengeful motives against her, and keeping low expectations.
Hope, I think you might need to consider things like I am having to. Is your XW really the person now that you love or has she become someone else? And, the other thought...is she really who you thought she was, is she really the one you have loved so much or have you idealized/fantasized a little about who you need to love? I am coming to the conclusion that my xw is neither the person I thought she was or the person I need to be in a marriage with. That makes letting go easier. People are rarely just who we think they were/are in these sitches. If they were who we thought they were, then we all wouldn't be here...we would be working on our Ms, in counseling and living together.
Gabriel, your right, she is putting alot of effort into being distracted. It really bugs me that she doesnt make the effort to see the boys more. She is just to busy with other things to be a mother.
I was reading a book, which said that the most significant way to express your love is by giving your time. I believe this, and I give my boys quality time because I love them and they deserve it.
I have no idea what to do about the visitation thing. I dont think anyone can make her see the boys (she has to want to), and I dont want or need money from her.
I guess I will have to think on it. I have thought about talking with an attorney about the existing decree as it says she gets the boys in the event either of us move. I dont think this is right since I am the primary care giver. If nothing else an A could tell me how to get my ducks in a row in the event one of us moves.
Its not so much that you need the money. Its a show of respect for your children. Rather than her blowing several hundred on self or OM each month, take it in child support, save it for an annual trip and take the kids somewhere fabulous or sock it away for their education or first house.
It will be your way of ensuring that their mother respects them, and will help their self-esteem/identity to know this support came from her. They don't ever need to know that it was forced/court-ordered. Over time, as XW stabilizies a bit more, she may come to respect them and her role more, and may do it voluntarily. Maybe her gift of time will follow this investment in CS.
You can't do anything legally to make her see the boys. There is free will in this world. Even if there was a way of legally enforcing it, she would only resent it which wouldn't be any good for your boys.
I speak from experience that being non-custodial severely damages the relationship, unless you have some kind of co-parenting arrangement.
The less you are there, the less it bothers you. Absence does not make the heart grow fond, it makes it grow distant.
She's left and has her own life - she's not there as much because she doesn't want to be. Tough but true. You are separated and unless you get back together, you cannot even begin to make comments on her love of those boys (you can't know what she feels) or the amount of visitation she has.
That is as controlling as my H saying all the times I can't see my children and it's a tad patronizing.
Take it from me - leave the issue alone or you may put her R's with them under even more strain.
I dont plan on starting any legal action. Just doesnt seem right. For one thing I thought about my brother, he only got to see his son every other weekend. My xw sees them that much if not more. So I think of it as the traditional roles are reversed. Dont get me wrong, I want my boys all I can get them. Again, I feel that my saying no to her requests to watch them would lead to her getting a babysitter. I would rather they be with me than with a babysitter. This is my decision, if it gives her more freedom then so be it. It boils down to whats best for the boys. Besides its not like I dont take them to Grandma's every now and then. Part of me feels like she is taking advantage of me, and not taking enough responsibility for the boys. The other part of me knows I cant force her to spend quality time with the boys, therefore in the interest of the boys, I step up for the boys. Does this make sense?
Gabriel, My son who just turned 5 only knows that mommy has a house and daddy has a house. Your boy seems to know alot about what is going on with you and your W. What does he know and what did you tell him?
