Was reading your thread and saw my name. Sounded like the perfect opportunity to write my thoughts on your situation. I can answer from the perspective of someone who divorced with two boys and never got back together, but also my current sitch of DB with a WAW.
First, I agree with some posters that you need to be more dark. You situation is not the same...your ex is letting you know with words and actions that she wants space. I think you definitely need to give it to her. Mine does initiate contact a fair amount. As you can see if you've read through the thread, I have a hard time walking the line of too much pursuing and too much dark. I think in your sitch since you are already divorced you need more dark. I would accept invites to do stuff (not every time) and show her through your actions that you have changed for the better.
I've been divorced for 7 years and my ex still asks for favors. And no, there is no chance of reconciliation. Besides I'm in love with my current wife. So I wouldn't make too much of favor asking. When it comes to the kids I think favors are felt to be fair game. But is being unavailable for favors more of the same? Or is always being available when your wife calls what you normally do? I think you should error on the side of doing favors, but being always available and willing to do what your ex asks is kind of pursuing and doormat like.
I worry I'll get to the same place as you. And an easy divorce like you had. My feeling is that when/if she divorces me I will choose to go actually dark until she indicates through words or actions that she misses seeing me or something. As for the other man I know it would tear me apart too. Try your best not to think of it. Besides as Sam pointed out....you're better than whoever else is out there.
Good luck.
La
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Jo, thanks for the post. We do a really good job of not pulling the kids into the situation. I just feel like she is taking advantage of me, and is not taking enough responsibility for the kids. I dont mind taking care of them, I just think that the boys are the ones missing out because their mother isn't around enough. She has a new job and it requires her to work alot of nights and attend alot of training. I also dont believe she has realized how difficult being a single parent is, because I am always there to pick up the slack. I guess this moring kinda ticked me off because she could have let me know last night, but I didnt talk to her so I dont know the whole story. Again, I avoided contact because I felt it would have been a non-productive conversation. As far as she knows I left before she called.
She called around noon and wanted to know if I would come over and hook up her icemaker. She also asked if I could stay and have supper with her and the boys. I accepted.
La, I am a very helping person. I have always tried to help people. I still want to help her out. And I dont read anything into her asking for help. I try to look at it as an opportunity to show her the new me. So for now I will continue to help her out, but I will not always drop everything I'm doing to help her at a moments notice. She has to realize this is inconsiderate. She must start taking on the responsibilities of being a single parent. I ask nothing of her, Maybe I should? I dont know if I can get much darker. Right now I dont always pick up the phone when she calls. I also dont call her unless its absolutely necessary. With kids it makes it impossible to be completely dark.
Night before last I went over to hook up her icemaker. She didnt have the right hardware so I wasnt able to hook it up. I told her that I would pick up the right stuff and install it later. Dinner was nice. I was over there about an hour. Its still pretty hard to talk to her. I just feel like if I could get her away from everything (kids and work) for a couple of hours she and I could talk. She would say she is too busy. Last night was really rough. Dont know what brings those feelings on, but they hit hard last night. I'm doing better today. I now only have contact with her a couple of times a week and only because of the boys. Giving her space is so difficult, but I really dont have a better alternative. I wish things were more encouraging.
Hello everyone! I'm doing much better today. Must be near the top of the roller coaster. lol. My weekend is gonna be busy. I will be helping my brother clear a fence row on saturday and on sunday I will be helping install a counter top at my parents. I thank god for my family. They would do anything for me and I'd do anything for them. I may not have a Wife, but I have a great family, I'm rich in alot of ways. Just accentuating the positive here. Last night I planted some garden and played with the boys. These things I mention may seem trivia, but I list them because there seem to be alot of folks on the board focusing on their WAS. I find that staying busy and giving my time to others makes me feel good about myself and keeps my mind off XW. Hopefully others will see that the little things we do, help us cope and thrive. Hope everyone has a good weekend. Hope
Hope, I trust you did have a great weekend. I had one as well with my younger sons home, their older brother and his wife along with my mother visiting. It was a very busy, action-packed and distracting weekend. I did continue to think daily of my WAW, but certainly didn't brood over missing her.
You are certainly right that family can really help a lot in these crappy situations.
JohnDad, Glad to hear you had a busy/fun weekend. Mine didnt turn out as expected, oldest son got an ear infection which caused us to stay home all weekend. We made the best of it.
I actaully had a good conversation with xw last night. I called to ask if she wanted me to taking S2 to daycare and tell her about giving antibiotics to S5. She actully was pleasant to talk to. I actually told her I needed to let her go, but she continued to talk, kinda like she wanted to talk to me. I dont read anything into it, it was just nice to have a pleasant talk with her. She had a very relaxed, non-hurried tone about her. Maybe it was because it was 11 pm. I have a 3 day fishing trip planned this weekend. I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully we'll sack em up.
Last night I was reading Mens Health Magazine and ran across an article detailing "How to" break up with a woman. Wow, I think my W must have gotten an advanced copy, because I've been on the receiving end of the Do's and dont's for months now. Stange enough it kinda helped me a little. Basically the article described to to break up, not give your partner false hope, and make it as painless as possible. I put myself in her shoe and started to understand how she must feel. As I really think about the things she has done, I can see that she has tried to keep from hurting me. I guess I kinda appreciate/respect the fact that she never gave me false hope, she never waivered in her decision, I have to believe it wasnt easy for her. Life goes on, she was in my life for nearly 10 years, we have two terrific/healthy boys. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm thankful for what I had and what I have.
This weekend she leaves to Cabo for a week. Dont know whom she is going with, dont really want to know, I want to believe its just GF's, but doesnt really matter at this point. Last year at this time she went down there. Shortly after that, I started to get the feeling something wasnt right with our relationship. Maybe 11 days away for me and the boys will clear her head. At this point, I know its just wishfull thinking on my part.
Hope everyone has a good weekend, do yourself a favor and do something good for yourself this weekend.
Fishing for some advice here... I'm dark she's dark, we each have our own lives these days. Its still very difficult for me to talk to her. Why is it so hard for me to talk to her? Last night she called from Cabo to talk to the boys. I knew it was her so I let 5S answer, after talking with both of them she asked to talk to me. Basically she just wanted me to know that her cell phone was working down there. She also asked me how the fishing was. Why am I put off every time she tries to make small talk? Is it because I resent what she did and know that its just small talk? I dont know but I want to get over this. After I talk with her, I walk around cursing her name (not around the boys). I need to stop this resentment. I think it would be better if she just didnt call. To be honest, I just hate what we have done, to us and our family. I just still cannot accept the fact that its too late. I have to keep moving on. I gotta get past this. On a lighter note, the boys and I are having a ball. We spend lots of time together. I am enjoying being a father now more than ever. XW is missing out on so much. Last night they were chasing each other around the couch in their underware after their bath. That moment made me feel so good, to see something so innocent, pure and full of joy. Hard to describe, hurts me to know she is missing those moments. I wonder if her new life is worth all she has left behind. As far as DBing goes, I cant really tell that going dark is helping. I dont really know of anything else to try. suggestions:
I don't know what to tell you. I have been following your posts (not able to post still) and seem to think you still need time to work through your anger. Also, I posted and you will see that I am not in the best place to give advice. I think advice from me would just get you further from wife. Just wanted to say hello.
I do think that as long as you are still angry it is best to just say as little to wife as possible. I was angry at H too for a long time. I got past this by humility. I realized my mistakes in the situation and focused only on that. It worked for me. Once I realized what I had done wrong and was truly humbled, I realized that I had no right to be angry at H because we were both equally wrong. I then told H only about my mistakes and how sorry I am. This caused him to soften and show remorse towards me even though he is more open to what I did wrong than what he did wrong. The better I got at this the less I felt the need to get an apology from H for all the things he did to hurt me. I can truly say that I can live the rest of my life and be OK with never receiving an apology. Humility created this because I now know I am no better than he was during our marriage.
From my post that I just posted it may seem that I am still angry at H, but please realize that I am angry about what is happening now not about what happened in the past. At least I hope you can see that. Who knows maybe I am still focusing on the past without knowing it. Let me know what you think.
I am so happy you have your kids to keep you grounded. At least they are there to give you joy and help you to keep moving forward in this difficult time in your life.
Quote: Fishing for some advice here... I'm dark she's dark, we each have our own lives these days. ...As far as DBing goes, I cant really tell that going dark is helping. I dont really know of anything else to try. suggestions:
Hope, she's calling you, so something is working. When she calls, maybe shift from the small talk to stories about the kids like the one you posted. "S2 and S4 did the cutest thing after their bath the other night...." Not "you should have seen it," let her draw that conclusion herself.
