Every time you think negative thoughts like that, just get a check on yourself. Think to yourself, is this thought going to further my emotional development or get me my W and if the answer is no and those thoughts are destructive, then you need to get a handle on them.
Visualise a STOP sign every time you have negative thoughts about your W or your situation. I found this to be a really effective tool. They won't serve you at all apart from to upset you.
Even imagine something funny instead. When I was in the witness box and scared out of my brains, I imagined my H sitting on the toilet with his pants round his ankles and this image stopped me breaking down in the court room.
You own your mind. Train it to do what you want. You are only unhappy if that is what you choose to be.
I know you're upset and hurting, but just give her that money, don't think anything. Give her what she needs and try not to think about the bf. Turns out my H just imagined he was ML with me every time he went with her (which was not a lot, so she said) - you really don't know what is going on with bf or with your W's head, so don't try to know.
Only she can know that and you will kill yourself wondering over it.
You are a wonderful person with or without your W, and soon (hopefully not too late for her) she will figure that out.
